Hey Folks, this is your pal Stephan (I’m not really your pal, that’s just a phrase I heard on tv), Erech and I are doing a new thing. A fantastical thing. A Late Night Thing.

That’s right, Late Night Thing is no longer just an hourlong guided tour of Ben Grimm’s softcore pornography collection (episode 5, the Complete Teruo Ishii being a personal favorite), it’s also Erech and I here at AltGN Murdershow talking about late night television. Don’t worry though, just like the original Late Night Thing, this is also a weekly programme.

At this point, all most of you are thinking to yourselves “Wait a minute, the networks are dead and incapable of making entertaining shows for even primetime. Why should we care what drivel they’re pushing during the Witching Hours?” Well, you friend, are dead inside. Late Night television is the only television. While you’re deadening your brain with real-time tales of a midget law enforcement agent/torture enthusiast or the implausible and poorly-written, Sherlock Holmes 2 (This time he’s a doctor!) or even Backstory Island (It’s inscrutable!), I’m getting myself centered to be more receptive to pre-packaged untrue stories crafted by PR flunkies, told by low-level celebrities, and laughed at by morons who’ve wandered in off the streets!

So yes, Late Night Television may be a cesspool of hack sketches repeated ad nauseum followed by fame-addicted blunderbusses telling boring lies, but it’s also the place where David Letterman rips on Paris Hilton to her face and the Slipnutz anger Slipknot fans. It’s the place where Chris Elliott pops a button on his vest using only the majesty of his gut and BJ Novak proves that Cadbury eggs really are smaller than they used to be. That’s a glorious place, and nobody knows it better than us. So, without further ado, let Erech and I guide you down the path to Late Night Enlightenment Entertainment.

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Steve Carell, Madison Pettis, Bright Eyes
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jude Law, Sarah Silverman, John Fogerty
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kyra Sedgwick, John Cena, Andrew Bird
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Holly Hunter, Adam Goldberg
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kelly Ripa, Yehya Mohamed, Sara Bareilles

Stephan: You’ll notice we chose to start this segment in a week where every show is in reruns. That’s right, we’re such geniuses we are indistinguishable from f-tards. Anyways, Sarah Silverman is great on the Letterman program. If you, like me, feel like she’s too focused on always saying controversial or shocking comments to be legitimately funny anymore, you will enjoy her tonight. She’s nervous and charming and makes me wish this Sarah Silverman was the star of the Sarah Silverman Program.

Erech: Every show is in reruns this week, with I think maybe Thursday being new with Kimmel - which is funny since Thursday used to be his day off. However, I thought this would be the perfect week to start this column - since between the two of us we’ve probably already seen every episode discussed this week - we’ll either look like geniuses or madmen!

Agreed on Silverman - she does do the most damage to her career herself, by not reigning in her shtick. I often find myself lamenting how great it was when Sarah used to be funny, you know? It’s a rare treat and delight when you can see her as just her, a sharp and dangerous comic who only likes to push things as far as the situation calls for - vs. what she seems to be lately, pushing for that so-called edge every single chance possible - humor be damned!

As for the rest, Cena usually (and surprisingly!) gives good talk on The Zone, and Adam Goldberg as the B guest on fake Craig Kilborne could be interesting.

Speaking of fake Craiggers, Ferguson has actually begun to grow on me the last few months. Not a fan at all at first, I remember he gave a pretty amazing eulogy for the late/great Johnny Carson during his monologue a year back, completely off the top of the head, and it came off amazingly coherent, tied back into itself with a few sharp turns, and actually managed to work up a tear or two in the corner of my cynical, Godless eyes. So yeah, growing on me, but not enough to keep me for a full episode yet, even when Conan is in reruns.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Hugh Laurie, Sherri Shepherd, Editors
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jamie Foxx, Jimmy Smits, Will.i.am
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jessica Alba, Bear Grylls, Paul F. Tompkins
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Terrence Howard, Jennifer Westfeldt, Zap Mama
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Mira Sorvino, Brad Paisley

Erech: Leno, even if this were new, would be a total pass. Letterman having to placate Foxx and his ego might be fun, if only for the little game I like to play while watching Dave that I like to call “WHAT’S HE REALLY THINKING” - as I mentally replace the OOH’s and OH BOY’s Dave emits for the actual horrible thoughts he must actually be thinking about the horrible guest sitting next to him that horrible night. It’s fun, try it.

I think on Ferguson tonight, Terrence Howard puts his foot in his mouth with that story about women needing to use baby wipes on their nether region - so that will make for some awkward fun.

Otherwise, it’s all about The Zone. Conan making horrible advances at Alba, and then the magical laughiness induced via Mr. Show alum Tompkins, c’mon. Definitely worth a catch for Paul alone.

Stephan: Paul F. (the “F” stands for funny) Tompkins steps into the Zone, why don’t you? Seriously, why don’t you? Look at those other lineups, you don’t hate yourself enough to sit through that. Incidentally, Erech could not be more right about the Letterman Game. It’s almost as much fun as when Dave has somebody worth talking to. Bonus points anytime you see the twinkle in his eyes when he’s thinking something truly evil. Nobody hates celebrities (I call them celebutards because I’m a douchebag.) more than David Letterman.

Erech: Nobody.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jamie Foxx, Tim Gunn, Paolo Nutini
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sean Penn, Barry Sonnenfeld, Ben Harper and The Innocent Criminals
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Steve Carell, Jennifer Esposito, Flight of The Conchords
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - 50 Cent, Emily Deschanel
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Josh Hartnett, Tila Tequila, Ben Harper

Stephan: Back to back last guest heroics for the Cone Zone. Of course, then you miss a spirited debate on climate change between 50 Cent and that chick from Bones on Fake Craiggers. Not to mention, Tila Tequila taking an X-Rated ride on the H-Train courtesy of Messrs. Hartnett and Harper (The most boring double penetration ever?).

Erech: Yeah, Tompkins THEN Flight, I’m actually excited to see these episodes and I’VE ALREADY SEEN THEM - just imagine how great it must be for you, the reader, too busy playing your damn vid’ja games to have caught it the first time around. Oh, I am jealous of your naive eyes, very jealous.

Other than that, you can catch Ben Harper on two different coasts tonight - back to back even. Uh, yay?

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dane Cook, Ali Larter, Chris Cornell
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Alec Baldwin, Faith Hill
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - John Krasinski, Louis CK, The Mooney Suzuki
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Michelle Pfeiffer, Rachel Nichols, Kat De Luna
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ray Liotta, Jack LaLanne, Interpol

Erech: Kimmel looks to be kinda good tonight - Liotta probably pimping for Bee Movie, the amazing and inspirational LaLanne, and then you can change it when the teenage girl’s version of The Joy Division comes on - right in time to check out Louis CK as the B guest over on The Zone.

Baldwin on Letterman was pretty great too - I love it when Dave actually has on guests he WANTS to talk to, and gives them the full slot treatment - usually means you’re in for some funny AND SLASH OR interesting talk.

Stephan: If you can sit through Leno today, the government sends you a Purple Heart. In less trying news, Alec Baldwin is not only pretty great, he also tries to parallel park on Dave and Louis CK does tell hilariously off-color jokes on Conan. Everyone FTW!

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ben Stiller, Tony Snow, Raul Midon
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Anne Heche, Sex Expert Sue Johanson, Mariza
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Lauren Graham, Steve Zahn, Rooney
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jennifer Love Hewitt, Oliver Hudson, Cary Brothers
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Jamie Foxx, Chyler Leigh, Soulja Boy

Stephan: Lauren Graham is always incredibly nervous every time she’s on Conan. My guess is that she’s secretly schtupping Conze, and she’s quite worried about his wife finding out. I think Steve Zahn also tells funny stories about living on a farm, so lots of irons in the fire over at 30 Rock.

Erech: You couldn’t pay me to watch this episode of Kimmel - again. Sadly, I caught a good portion of this the first time around - only to help fuel my hatred of Soulja Boy and that anthem of his. Zahn as the B guest on The Zone makes me sad, while certainly warranted, he’s spent a lot of time in movies and television and just hasn’t really found a winning combo yet to go from sidekick to star. He’s really funny though, and if he ever got the right vehicle, I could totally see him being the next Steve Buscemi, or even a poor mans Vince Vaughn!

Leno, as more often than not, really looks painful tonight. PASS.

Well that’s it for this week - join us again next Monday where we try to explain the lapse in excluding Charlie Rose and Spike Feresten both from our weekly roundup, yet why we considered including Carson Daly on it as well. Oh that’ll be rich!

Now go start a pot of coffee kids, our programs is comin’ on!