Week 3!

The week that isn’t real. All fake. Even though we’re in the midst of the second WGA strike today (too meta?) and none of the listings are going to be right, save Leno (but who watches Leno anyways?), Stephan and Erech are still here, doing our Late Night Thing! However, just because this Thing is fantasy (I pronounce it font-asy because it’s cooler), that doesn’t mean it’s not any good. What if this is the week you finally drink yourself into that alternate universe, and end up in the one where everything is the same, except the WGA strike didn’t happen? How confusing would the late night television offerings be then? (Really confusing.) That’s why we’re here!

I do apologize for anyone who drank themselves into this reality though, we’re not equipped for that yet, but stick around, we are working on it. Well, if by working on it, you mean drinking bathtub gin until our optic nerves dissolve, then, yeah we’re doing that. And, hey, if we make it into your dimension first, at least you’ll know how to get home.

On to The Reader E-Mail:

Unfortunately, we only have time for one response this week, but we do read and respond to every submission, so keep ‘em coming!

Dudes, what’s with the strike? Aren’t all writers homosexuals (and communists) who only want more money for blow?
mathmightbeokay@yaho0.tv

Well, statistically, and genetically, most writers are homosexuals, as are most former 3rd basemen for the Yankees. However, this doesn’t mean they just want drugs. In fact, they’re simply asking for a cut of the money produced by their hard work. NBC programs that air on the internet are sandwiched with advertising, not to mention all the ads on the website itself. NBC receives money for that, but the writers don’t get a dime. Let’s take a look at DVDs. Currently, writers receive $.04 (that’s like 40,000 Loonies for you Canadians) per DVD sale, and the WGA wants to increase that to $.08 per DVD. Is that really that unreasonable? They also want of taste of the streaming media money, and that only makes sense. Television ratings are down across the board and people are shifting to online distribution, so shouldn’t the people who’s creative work is being distributed get a little piece of that? It’s not like Viacom or GE or Disney is going to be losing money on this. Rich people are the worst.

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jerry Seinfeld, Amy Ryan, Evanescence
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Meryl Streep, Jack Hanna
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Alec Baldwin, Bill Hader, Band of Horses
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - George Foreman, Jorja Fox, Michael Franti and Spearhead
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - William Shatner, Lisa Ling, Matt Nathanson

Erech: So Jay is the first show to buckle under to the WGA strike - The Tonight Show had a new line-up listed for the week until this weekend, but have decided to go with reruns now instead. Which may end up happening for all the shows anyways, but seriously, Leno couldn’t write Monica Lewinski jokes himself for just one nights worth of programming?

Everyone else seemed to have man’d up though, and even in reruns - LATE NIGHT THING GOES ON!

The Leno rerun showcases just how much Jay’s stand-up contemporaries despise him, with Seinfeld not seeming to want to be on the show AT. ALL. Baldwin and Hader on Conan equals television goodness. Dave and Jack Hanna is always fun - if only to wait for something to pee on Dave’s desk. Foreman on Ferguson should be… odd. And “Yimmy” and the Shat is a match made in nerd heaven.

Stephan: Jungle Jack Hanna and Dave is absolutely compelling television. Dave asks at least one question per animal that Jack can’t answer and one of the animals always gets away. I also agree about Baldwin and Hader, plus I like the first single off that Band of Horses album (let’s hope that’s what they play because I don’t really care for any of the other songs).

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dana Carvey, Malin Akerman, Plain White T’s
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Robin Williams, Bear Grylls, Common
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Heidi Klum, Lou Dobbs, Grizzly Bear
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jenny McCarthy, Dave Barry, Dean Edwards
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - The 7th eliminated celebrity from “Dancing with the Stars”, Backstreet Boys

Stephan: It’s Letterman and a bunch of people I don’t like! All right! Robin Williams is easily in the top 5 of my Any Mention of Their Name Not Followed by the Phrase “Grisly Dismemberment” is Disappointing list. Bear Grylls is a total badass, a total badass who stages parts of his show and lies about the danger he’s actually in whilst filming. C’mon dude, I’ve seen you drink your own urine, and eat raw zebra flesh, you don’t need to be staging stuff. Quit the chicanery and come back to Badass Island.

The Zone has Heidi Klum, a woman known primarily for how well she does at Halloween, Lou Dobbs shoutin’ about immigrants (they’re trying to take his job), and Grizzly Bear, one of the 7,000 current indie bands with the word “bear” in their name. I think I like them, but I could also have confused them with Minus the Bear, Polar Bears, or Panda Bear.

Erech: Well damn, a quick glance at the NBC schedule site shows Conan went to reruns this afternoon - and I assume everyone will be too - so yeah, our whole line-up list here really doesn’t exist anymore, neat.

So in that case, I’m just going to make up guests tonight I’d like to see instead!

Dave has Scott Thompson on talking about his new ABC sitcom, Bunkin - cool! Jay has, well hell, even my fantasy Leno line-up doesn’t exist, and I’m sitting in the tub we make our gin in! Conan and Sarah Vowel are always amazing, and I think tonight she is going to announce she is recording dialogue for that anticipated Incredibles sequel - The Incredibles 2: Stayin’ Incredible - awesome! Craig Ferguson has Mike Myers on, and they have an awful-scottish-accent off - (psst the winner has to host the show!) weeee! Finally, Jimmy brings a busload of retarded kids into the studio, while Uncle Frank and Cousin Sal take turns pelting them with unsold copies of The Andy Milonakis Show Season 1 on DVD - sadly the hour is up before they are all out of DVD’s - that’s good watchin’!

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Reese Witherspoon, David Koechner, PJ Harvey
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Vince Vaughn, Keyshia Cole with Missy Elliott and Lil’ Kim
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Seth Green, Peter Greenberg, Jackie Greene
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Anne Heche, Nathan Fillion, Kenny “Babyface” Edmonds
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Dr. Phil McGraw, Rachel Nichols, Gary Allen

Erech: Part of me has always wanted to like PJ Harvey - but it’s the same part of me that also wishes I could speak fluent French, play the banjo, was a cowboy, or any other myriad of passing fancies I’ve had in life that I didn’t really care enough about to follow up on.

Watching Dave pretend he cares for anything Keyshia Cole, Missy Elliott or Lil’ Kim do tonight will be worth actually sitting through their performance, because nobody hates crappy musicians like David Letterman.

Stephan: Hopefully they don’t cut the part where Dave has to go shake hands and tell them what a great job they did. I love that. Remember how much he enjoyed Jada Pinkett Smith’s band, Wicked Wisdom? Youtube does.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ben Affleck, Jim Norton, the Shins
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Nicole Kidman, Chris Elliott, Fats Domino with Norah Jones
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Vince Vaughn, Motion City Soundtrack
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Billy Connolly, Adam Scott
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Nicolette Sheridan, Coheed & Cambria

Stephan: Now that Dog the Bounty Hunter is a huge, horrible racist and his show got canceled, what will happen to Skink the Bounty Hunter? Only Chris Elliott knows for sure. Actually, Gerard Mulligan probably knows too. Either way, Chris’ll be on Letterman so we can know as well. Unless they just talk about Cabin Boy (now on DVD [this aside was written in 2002]) again.

Late Night Thing? More like Late Night Youtube, amirite?

Erech: I’ll see your Fancy Lad and raise you a Norm clip from Dirty Work:

I never stood a chance, did I?

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Sen. Barack Obama, Orny Adams, Keith Urban
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Tom Brokaw, Portia de Rossi
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Nicole Kidman, Josh Brolin
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Waters, Jennifer Esposito
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kelly Ripa, Sara Bareilles

Erech: If I recall correctly, Orny Adams (who you may remember as the jerkoff from Jerry Seinfeld’s “Comedian” documentary) stays true to form on this Leno repeat - which is a shame because he’s not very funny or talented either. It’s like dumb girls who are fat AND ugly too, you gotta be one or the other you know - PICK A SIDE!*

Conan looks like an absolute bomb tonight - I can’t stand either one of those people, and watching Conan try to make a decent show out of that pile of fail will be just too painful to watch. PASS!

PS: Portia de Rossi is pretty.

Stephan: Watch out for Craiggers lineup tonight. Jennifer Esposito is one hot tamale, and AltGN Murdershow hears that John Waters doesn’t have a girlfriend, so we’ll be hearing about Jonnifer (or will it be Jehn?) a lot in the coming months.

Portia de Rossi is not only pretty and a talented comedic actress (she might be able to do other genres, but I’ll never know), but she also likes ladies, just like me! Hey, Portia, if things don’t work out with Ellen, me and my giant cowboy hat are willing to be your wingman.

And that, friends, is that.

Be sure to join us next week, where I promise we will make less sense then than we did today. Thanks a lot, Hollywood d-bags!

* EDITORS NOTE - The views and opinions of Late Night Thing regarding dumb, ugly, or fat women do not reflect those of AltGN Murdershow management or its staff.