Week 5?

In case you hadn’t noticed, the strike is still going. Negotiations won’t even resume until the 28th, and the last time they met, both sides were still far, far apart. We’re going to be stuck with month after month of America’s Next Karaoke Dancer and that’s it. That’s all we have to look forward to. On the positive side of the strike coin, DVD on TV sales should be strong, and we won’t have to watch a lot of bad, new television, instead paying for bad OLD television. Maybe the networks will start pumping out older, overlooked shows onto the shelves, to keep our television appetite sated. Fox, for example, could finally put out that Andy Richter Controls the Universe set. It drives me nuts that Scrubs is still on the air even though that show’s whole aesthetic is just weakstyle ARCtU. Plus, with the exception of Donald Faison, the cast of Scrubs is considerably more annoying.

Not more annoying, however, than no new Late Night - but we make do with what we have, and move forward with this week’s Holiday Thing.

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jennifer Lopez, Kevin Nealon, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Halle Berry, Bill Hader, Spring Snake Symphony
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Billy Bob Thornton, Sen. Christopher Dodd, Kenny Chesney
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ben Stein, Megyn Price, Rodney Laney
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ryan Seacrest, Anthony Anderson, Hot Hot Heat

STEPHAN: Yikes! Bill Hader’s funny, and he’s from the Midwest, so he and Dave can spin homestyle tales around the cookstove as a team, and Billy Bob is in weirdo mode over at Conan, but that’s about it for today. Although, I’m pretty sure Glen and Marketa play that “Falling Slowly” song on Leno. That’s the song I’m going to play when I’m sitting in my bathtub bleeding out. It will be a happy and justified suicide, knowing that I will no longer be taking part in a world that allows anything that boring (which is way worse than terrible) to be on television.

ERECH: Seacrest pretty much served as poster boy for D-baggery for the last few years, ever since he popped up on about 20 different shows a week - from American Idol to his own talky. UNBEARABLE! Seeing him in Knocked Up this last Summer though really turned the corner on him for me, from being FULL OF HOGWASH, to now just being a boring guy who is on the teevee too much that I try not to watch. Good going, Seagrave.

I’m with Stephan though, this is a pretty crap night of programs - I suggest you talk to the business end of a bottle of Dewars and figure out who is gonna bail you out tonight. This time.

That’s what we’re gonna do at least.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Steve Carell, Manny Ramirez, Backstreet Boys
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Rich Little, Robin Williams, George Jones
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Patricia Heaton, Tiki Barber, the Used
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeff Goldblum, Paul Haggis, Mandy Moore
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBD

ERECH: Rich Little AND Robin Williams?!? Oh Dave, poor poor Dave.

STEPHAN: Paul Haggis has won two Academy Awards for creating Walker, Texas Ranger. It seems weird that the Academy would be behind that show, but I’m guessing they saw the one where Walker has to pretend to be a principal to stop a large drug operation within the school. He brings in the Power Team and they teach the kids to just say no to drugs by breaking cement blocks and bending iron bars and being on steroids. At the end of the episode, Walker fights a Navy Seal who is heading up the drug operation:

I know what you’re thinking, “Only TWO Oscars?!!?!? They should give him at least one a year for life!” My sentiment exactly, although I probably wouldn’t have shouted so much, but I understand how Walker can have that effect on you.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Denzel Washington, Dave Salmoni & animals, LeAnn Rimes
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Former President Bill Clinton, Patti Scialfa
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Morgan Freeman, Cheryl Hines, KT Tunstall
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Fred Willard, Ashley Scott, Gabriel Iglesia
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBD

STEPHAN: I have nothing to say about this lineup, so let’s talk about Conan’s situation instead. In 2009, Conan is stepping into the Tonight Show chair. Well, probably. Leno is still winning in the ratings, and he can choose to not retire, but if he does so, Conan is contractually free to do whatever he wants. Fox has been talking about getting into the late night game, and ABC might try to expand, so Conan would have options that don’t involve crawling back to 12:37. Personally, I think Conan heading to Fox makes some sense, they’ll give him a ton of money, and the change in scenery should stir up the creative juices and let the show be free again. Of course, it’s a late night Fox show, so who’s going to watch that? On the ABC side, Conan into Jimmy makes a lot of sense. Jimmy’s already in LA, so the Zone could stay out East where he belongs, and the two of them are doing a similar sort of thing with a similar crowd of folk.

ERECH: Conan on ABC might be a good match, but my guess is if he doesn’t take The Tonight Show slot, WHICH HE SHOULDN’T, he may try to bide his time with NBC until Dave leaves CBS - which, sad as it is to admit, with Dave now into his 60’s, we’re going to see him retire sometime in the next decade - sad indeed. The Late Show runs a nice mix of zany and belligerent attitude that Conan would be able to segue much better into, instead of heading out to (UGH) Los Angeles.

However, if all things play out in 16 months the way the networks want, Leno is out and Conan is moving up, leaving an empty slot at 12:30 - which is where LNT comes in - as we pick our Top 5 possible Late Night hosts, none of whom are named Carson Daly.

Our #1 pick for host might seem like an oddball choice at first glance, but if you think about it for just a second, MAKES PERFECT SENSE - and if you can come up with a better candidate than Dave Chappelle, then you should have a weekly column here at AltGN Murdershow too. That’s right, Dave - he wanted out of the ghetto at Comedy Central (rightfully so), but the fishbowl at NBC would be a great place for him to stretch his legs and really let loose (bet you thought I was gonna say swim, huh?). NBC’d be so happy to get him, it’d be at least 3 years before they’d even poke their heads in to see what he was up to, and by then the damage would be done. Listen to us Dave, you’re never going to get a better oppurunity to build the legacy you want than with this - so take it!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Howie Mandel, Nelly Furtado
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Eugene Levy, John Mayer
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Brad Garrett, Joy Behar, Rogue Wave
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Felicity Huffman, Dax Shepard, Akon
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBD

STEPHAN: I completely agree about Chappelle. He’s got to be the #1 answer. He’s a minority with crossover appeal, and more importantly, he’s really funny. Plus, a lot of his sketches from his show are totally hack puffery, and that’s the kind of thing that flies with the daily Late Night grind. I bet he could get ?uestlove to be his music director/band leader and suddenly that’s a great show all around.

If, for some reason, that wouldn’t work, I’d love to see Late Night Living with Amy Sedaris. There are a million of the same boring talk shows on right now, why not do a weird version of the Martha Stewart Show instead? Celebrities could come by and do crafts or share recipes or whatever it is they do, and then Sedaris could do bits and give advice and whatever else she feels like. Don’t women also stay up late? This show could be, ostensibly, for them, but I’d love it too (Amy Sedaris is one pretty lady). The only other show I’d really like to see is the Jon & Jon Experience. Just give Benjamin & Glaser an hour and let them fly. They are the most naturally funny people on the planet. Neither of those shows are probably commercially viable though, so Chappelle seems like the perfect domestic choice. He’s already got huge appeal, and his show would be different enough to have a reason to exist.

ERECH: Lady Sedaris or The J&J Ex. would both be shows I’d go out of my way to watch, but I’m kind of weird, and probably not who the network will be thinking of when they plan a replacement - remember when they thought Pat Sajak could do stuff? So instead of shows I’d maybe like to see, I’m gonna suggest a more formal possibility in Spike Feresten, who currently has a show over at Fox Saturday nights - but it’s on Fox (pay attention kids, don’t make me point out our own callbacks.) and it’s only 30 minutes long, boo. Spike has the same resume on paper as Conan did at the time he took over the 12:30 slot (writer for comedy shows, producer on popular sitcom), only Spike has a slight leg up and seems to be being groomed to host, well… something. Why not pick a real show on a real network?

The only hitch with this plan though is - I’m not really sure if Feresten is actually funny or not - maybe that’s the point of only giving him the 30 minutes on Saturday night, after I’ve already fought my way through most of the Vodka. Hell anyone is funny to me by then!

And finally, since we picked five, our fifth choice to replace Conan comes in the form of a longshot, an amazing one, but odds are poor indeed - Ricky Gervais. Just think of the brilliance there - built-in audience, built-in cast of sidekicks with Merchant and Pilkington, perfect venue to let him do ANYTHING he wanted, and such a great break from the typical of recent-era talk show format and back to a variety/comedy venue. And honestly, if we’re gonna follow suit of the last 15 years where the 12:30 show is better than the 11:30, who better than Gervais to blow Conan out of the water nightly?

Can you imagine Karl Pilkington on tv every night?

We can. So should you NBC.

Oh yeah, today is Thanksgiving - do yourself a favor and skip late night tonight, it’s pretty bleak. Eat pie instead, you’ll THANK me.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Eva Mendes, Marjorie Johnson, Barry Manilow
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Meryl Streep, Yellowcard
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Meredith Vieira, Steven Wright, Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ice-T, Henry Cho
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBD

STEPHAN: Late Night TV is a weird place. Can you imagine any other circumstance with Meryl Streep and Yellowcard doing something together (besides being white people)? I know you’re all thinking about how amazing a Gervais, Merchant & Pilkington show would be 5 (probably 4) nights a week, but Erech makes an observation that can greatly increase your entertainment quotient right below these words:

ERECH: Since today is “Black Friday” (or Donda West Day - like I keep saying, we’re no racists here), cap it off right with this fake-Craiggers rerun from ‘06 featuring Ice-T, and Ice-T’s wife Coco (the second O stands for “oh my”, the first one doesn’t stand for anything). First, marvel at Ice refer to himself during the A-slot repeatedly as a “gangsta rapper”, even though he hasn’t put out an album since before most of you reading this were even born - NOT TO MENTION he’s starred on one of the LEAST gangsta shows on tv for the last 8 years, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (or as we like to call it at LNT - “NO, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T HURT THE KIDS!!“). And hey, I love Ice as much as (and maybe even more than) the next guy, but he’s fairly deluded if he thinks a gangsta is the image that he’s currently living in, yeah?

BUT not to be outdone on this episode, Fergie then invites Mrs. -T onto the show during the B-slot, AND OH THEN DOES THE MAGIC BEGIN. It’s an awesome trainwreck of creeping cellulite and blonde stereotypes to behold, and I’ve maybe never felt more bad for a network talk show host than I did during this interview, or well, whatever it was, as Mr. and Mrs. -T double-team Ferguson with one ridiculous and moronic statement after the other.

If you only watch one talk show this week, promise me it’ll be this one. Pinky promise even.

Well, another “great” week of television viewing… commenting… on, gone by! Have a great Holiday kids, and remember to tune in to HBO this weekend for the world premiere of President Baseball - fire up the Tivo!

Yambo!

Read Past LNT’s:
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1