Week 10!

We’re into double digits right in the middle of the Doldrums. We’ve got the strike going, another week until the Super Bowl and our beloved Chicago Bulls (technically only half of us love them, but the other half isn’t writing this paragraph) are 13.5 games back in their division. Things are looking rough.

However, some things are looking up. Good movies from last year are finally in theaters. There Will Be Blood is playing on at least 10 screens across the country, No Country for Old Men is so popular it’s playing at arthouses and at the occasional budget theater, and the Live Action Alvin and The Chipmunks movie finally crossed the $200 million plateau. Hooray for art!

We assume most of you are just waiting for us to take a shot at David Cross for appearing in that abomination just like everyone else, and while we do want to be like everyone else (we even got circumcised last year just to fit in at the country club locker room), we just can’t.

First of all, dude wants to make money, so good for him. We have no qualms with people getting paid. We recommended Jay-Z’s American Gangster disc after all, and nobody is more interested in making money instead of art than Jigga. Most good movies are terrible anyways, why can’t a man make an obvious cash grab? It’s not like he came out and asked all his Mr. Show fans to support the movie or anything. Everything that happens is not in direct relation to you, hipster-nerds.

Secondly, the plot of the movie involves the Chipmunks getting famous and making horrible, soulless music, but then learning about family and giving all that up. However, the soundtrack to the movie, which is totally available for purchase, is the horrible, soulless music the Chipmunks learned was horrible in the movie. How awesome is that?

Super Awesome. Just like Paris Hilton showing up on Dave again (We’re the Transition Kings!), which we’ll discuss, along with the rest of the listings, right after this paragraph.

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Julie Chen, Jessica Alba, the Whigs
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Denis Leary, Bonnie Somerville, Deana Carter
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: It’s Ladies Night in the Late Night Televisionverse tonight. We get the Chenbot explaining how she has a career because of her husband (and also what it’s like to be a female robot livin’ in the aughts), Jessica Alba trying to pretend she has a career (she even has a baby, just like a real person), Denise Leary talking about her newly released memoir about her marriage to Bill Hicks, Bonnie Somerville discussing her very popular Cadillac ads, and finally Deana Carter telling us all what it’s like to be married to Superman. It’s a feminist cream dream of a lineup.

Also, my internet is being weird, and I had to mostly guess who those people are. Sorry ladies, I didn’t book them and I don’t want to see them on television either. (If it was up to me all three networks would just be a live feed of Margaret Cho’s nightclub act.)

ERECH: I’m going to assume the A & B slots on Dave tonight are listed wrong, and should be reversed. Or not. Denis Leary is going to be on Fergie tonight talking about what a great friend he is to the FDNY (I’m psychic!), and Yimmy isn’t really a TBA tonight but a rerun of that episode from a few weeks back that had Leno on etc.

What a stinker night, but at least Conan is new, so there is still hope. At least until the guests come on (let’s suppose that it’ll either be an NBC News personality, someone from a local sports team, or Howie Mandel. Again.) and then we’ll all ZONE out.

See what I did there?

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Bill Cosby, Lake Bell, the Matt Savage Trio
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Raquel Welch, San Diego Charger Antonio Gates
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: Dave is the show tonight, no matter who Jay or Conan might pull out. The Coz may have lost a few of his faculties, and has a tendency to ramble off at length, which probably won’t play well with the 12 minutes he’ll be alloted tonight, BUT it’s still David Letterman and Bill Cosby sitting together - that’s some damn fine television.

And now, I’ll let Stephan make fun of the Gate “honorific”.

STEPHAN: Since you brought up honorific, I do think it seems odd that Antonio Gates gets one, but Raquel Welch does not. Haven’t any of these listings programmers seen One Million Years B.C.? I don’t know what the certification process is for getting into the listings racket, but surely watching every movie The Hottest Lady in the World ever made must be at least a part of it. (She’s my Elizabeth Taylor.)

Additionally, I’m going to assume “Lake” Bell is a typo, and then Luke Bell should get an honorific as well because I have no idea who he is.

Furthermore, I really don’t get how the honorific doling system works. NFL games get way higher ratings than anything everyone from Monday night does combined. If we really need to be told who All-Pro professional football players are, then couldn’t they at least tell us who these half-rate TV “stars” are? Would “Reality Television Participant” be so hard to add to these?

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Dr. Phil McGraw, Gary Allan
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jessica Alba, Adam Arkin
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Lot of A names going today. I realize we’ve been clamoring for theme days/weeks to get us all through this strike, but these are pretty lame themes.

Also, I had a conversation the other day wherein someone related the fact that they were shocked (shocked!) to find out that Dr. Phil isn’t a real doctor. So, I’d like to use this very public forum to clear some things up. Dr. Phil has a PhD, but he is not licensed to practice psychology anywhere. So, while he is a technically a doctor, no one should take seriously anything he says. However, him and Dave make for a good bit of good watchin’. Cajun style.

ERECH: fake-Craiggers line-up says 2 things about the strike - ONE, the celebutards are craving an outlet to pimp for their horrible movies so badly they’ll go on Ferguson now. And TWO, that Alba’s career is pretty much so far into the toilet, even though some would have us believe she’s still on the A-list (only people on the Z-list tell us this though), that she’ll go on Ferguson now. That’s some sociological truisms at work there, under REAL conditions even!

As for Dr. Phil, can we be done with this goofy redneck now? He’s just a bigger, fatter, balder version of Maury who somehow got the BLESS-ED stamp of Ophrey approval - which she seems to have effectively UN-stamped. If the Big O has shook this dandruff off her shoulder, isn’t it about time we did too? The guy is slime, and not even funny slime. At least Dave seems to really hate him too, so there’s always that.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Eva Longoria Parker, Colbie Caillat
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Lindsay Sloane, Sebastian Maniscalco
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: Post-Lost premier coitus, and this is what we’re getting(?!?!). I learned last week that JL-D’s dad is a for-real Billionaire, which then answered all the questions I ever had regarding how her show is still even on the air - apparently CBS takes kickbacks. Then we’ve got Sloane, who has according to IMDB done a ton of television I’ve probably seen, but for the life of me I have no idea who she is. And then there’s someone else on after that. Good job Fergs!

At least tonight we’ll finally get to see if Hurley and Sawyer hooked up over the Summer, or if Jacks twin-brother really did steal the money - OH BOY!

STEPHAN: My guess is that Lost will simply morph into The Wonder Years. Just an hour long flashback filled with life lessons and when the cast grows up they’ll turn out to be super hot as adults but will never work again (except for guest spots on crappy sitcoms). Just like the current Lost cast! The real question is which of the hot ladies is also going to be super good at maths. If I guess the Asian lady does that make me racist? Probably, but it’s not Professor King Day anymore so I can have all the feelings I want.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Paris Hilton, Artie Lange, Vampire Weekend
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eva Longoria Parker, Al Madrigal
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Artie Lange was in Dirty Work. I don’t care for Stern’s radio program and thus have never seen (or heard) Artie Lange do anything else, but he gets a Lifetime Achievement Award from me, even though it’s totally unearned, and everything else he’s done has been terrible (at least that’s my understanding). Why can’t Dave just have Norm on instead? Or Tina Fey? I’d like to hear about what the best show on television would have been doing right now.

Who cares about Eva Longoria Parker? Why does anyone want to hear her talk about anything? Ugh, Late Night Television. Ugh.

Also, Al Madrigal is one of those guys that I can never remember if I like or not. Will I tune in to find out? Check back next week for the exciting conclusion.

ERECH: Dave is piles and piles of WIN tonight. Start off with some awkward hooker, then comes fat coke-head, topped off with some teenage fake-Paul Simon - I might have to stay in tonight and watch this.

For the record, I’m going to see Vampire Weekend next weekend (I think) though, so I’m allowed to make fun of them. Artie Lange has long been a thorn in the side of LNT, and don’t think we’ll ever let you forget it either you fat coke-head! And Paris… well Dave’s gonna make plenty fun of her tonight, so she got off easy here with the awkward hooker comment.

Go get her Dave.

Thus brings to a close another fine dose of LNT. What’d we all learn today then? 1, that it’s okay to make cash grab movies as long as you do better, more interesting stuff with the cash you’ve grabbed - a lesson the Wayans family has yet to learn it seems (ooh a Wayans slam - timely!). Second, we learned today that even though you may have struck a fair deal with, and have the blessing of the WGA to do your talk show, getting decent guests to come on right now is still a matter of how great your talent coordinator is - FERGUSON YOU HAVE OUR NUMBER! Third, we learned that no matter how last-minute and secretive Jay Leno may keep his line-up, and as bad as it is when it finally goes to taping, it’ll still always be better than Carson Daly’s (ooh a Carson Daly Slam - original!) - put that in your pipe and smoke it, TRL-boy! Fourth and finally, we learned that Stephan and Erech like to make numbered lists, especially whenever that list is Top Ten Things To Hate About D-bag L.A. Hipster-Nerds - you guys are the worst.

Be back next week kids, YOU KNOW WHY.

Read Past LNT’s:
Week 9
Week 8
Week 7-5
Week 7-4
Week 7-3
Week 7-2
Week 7-1
Week 6
Week 5
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1