WEEK 11…

Week 11 and we’re finally talking sports. We know you’ve been waiting all day for our incisive commentary so you can stop thinking about professional sports until next year, and don’t worry, we’re going to get it out of our systems right here, right now. That was not a good trade for Memphis. Yes, they got rid of Pau Gasol’s contract, and got an expiring contract in Kwame Brown, but the only potentially good player they got was another point guard. Unless they’re planning on playing Crittendon at shooting guard? Maybe there’s another trade afoot? Iavoroni must have some kind of a plan or something. Right? Right? Were there any Memphis Grizzlies fans in existence, we’d be apologizing to them right now.

As for the Lakers, we think they’ll be a lot better, however, they still have to fight through the West. Gasol definitely helps their offense, and, Lord knows Phil Jackson is just the guy to make Gasol work with his team, but what about on the defensive end? Or in the playoffs? We don’t see it happening. Especially when Mamba decides he’s going to still shoot 48 times per game and as a result, lets the other team dictate the style of play.

Oh, and there was a football game or something too, somebody was undefeated but then they lost to a team run by a fetus. Whatever. On with the stuff people really care about:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sen. Hillary Clinton
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Craig Becomes A Citizen
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Hugh Hefner, Bruno Tonioli, Jill Scott

STEPHAN: I hope Dave gets Hillary to explain how she tackled the health care issue (as she claimed during the last debate) whilst First Lady (It’s a good thing she “tackled” that too, so we haven’t had to hear about that issue constantly during this campaign.). I don’t get who is voting for her. It doesn’t matter who wins this election, whoever is president is going to be able to get next to nothing done. Why should we vote for someone who voted to go to war with Iraq and voted for the Patriot Act, and also sent out her husband to make racist statements about her competitor? I’m all for a woman president, but is that really enough reason to keep our standards so low? Why wouldn’t we vote for the chainsmokin’ Black guy? He’s good at wordifying and he cares about things. Plus, he’ll destroy Romney or McCain. I will agree that his not wanting gay dudes to get married is totally stupid though.

The only good thing about the Democratic Party is getting to watch Chris Matthews get super frustrated with them.

ERECH: Craig becoming a citizen of the USA bodes well for Americans in general for 3 reasons. 1, since there is a Hollywood limit on alloted celts, that means Colin Farrell should be getting his pink slip in the mail any day now - start packing, Crocket. 2, now fake-Craiggers can stop with all this being nice to Drew Carey nonsense he’s had to do for years - it’s a hell of a thing when your boss holds your Work Visa over your head, yeah - can you imagine the indignity? And 3, now every night when he interviews people, Fergie’ll no longer be allowed to use his “I’m Scottish” line when he runs out of questions about whichever CBS star has a Hallmark Hall of Fame airing that week. Amen.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Matthew McConaughey, Gary Mule Deer, Sheryl Crow
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Amy Ryan, Terry Crews, Sebastian Maniscalco
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: Dave’s line-up tonight is about as awful as they come - I only wish that instead of doing a set, Mule Deer would just have them play his promo reel instead - now THAAAAT’S comedy!

McConaughey seems to go out of his way to make the worst expensive movies ever, if he was just a little uglier though he’d be co-starring in a Don “the Dragon” Wilson epic guaranteed. The fact he still get movies green-lit just yanked me back to the pro-WGA side - since the AMPTP obviously has money to literally burn, at least give it to people deserving of all the extra cocaine - or did you think Arrested Development wrote itself? They’ve let this guy do almost 40 movies, can you believe that?? 40! For shame Hollywood.

Good job, Matty.

STEPHAN: I, on the other hand, am looking forward to that show. Matthew “I wasn’t acting in ‘Dazed and Confused‘” McConaughey fits in great with the Letterman ethos. He’s superfamous, mostly for being handsome, and then he says incredibly stupid things while being interviewed. What more do you want? Oh, well, yeah, that’s true. You make a good point. I’d also prefer if Sheryl Crow went away forever. I’m not wishing for her to die or anything, just to never come back. Ever. She’s awful.

I am also looking forward to President Camacho on f-Craiggers. Now that Craiggers has gone American, they can pound beers together and shoot some guns.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Vince Vaughn, Paula Abdul, A Fine Frenzy
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Lake Bell, Cynthia Littleton
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Vince Vaughn is the Midwestern Bruce Willis (he even voted for Bush). He makes countless movies, most of them are terrible beyond belief, but he just keeps chugging right along, pulling out just enough good stuff to keep himself blameless. I’m not sure how it works, but I do wish he’d try just a little bit harder.

ERECH: Luke Bell is up to his old tricks again with Ferguson - should be good as when those two guys get together, there’s no telling what sorta hijinx’ll happen!

Oh wait it is Lake? Ok, nevermind then, I have no idea who that is - and I’m on the internet too.

Every night lately I keep hoping for some basic cable reject to show up on one of the couches, having figured out a way re-animate Brandon Tartikoff, and then have him fist-fight Les Moonves in a Battle of the Network Tightwads. As fun as Dave and Conan have been during this mess (although Dave seems to be more back on track with just an everyday normal show, vs. the experimental writerless madness on The Zone), it’s just not enough to drown out how awful everyone else is, how awful all of TEEVEE has been. You want a reality show that I’ll watch? Tarts vs Moons is it - someone get Warren Ellis on the horn, he’s probably got something bookmarked from the livejournal that’ll make it happen.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kate Hudson, Jack Hanna
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jon Favreau, Alicia Coppola, Shelby Lynne
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: Jay’s pretty quickly burned through all of his bridges during this strike, what with his WGA-less written monologue, and his insistence that he’s doing everything on the up and up. Sure, guys like George Clooney who talk a big game now, there’s no doubt once everything is settled he’ll hit up the Tonight Show couch again asap and pretend like nothing happened. Sitting with Jay is part of the machine, and unfortunately as Leno still gets the best late night ratings, will still have the power to draw A-list heads in. And Leno knows this, the smug bastard. Problem is, guys like Clooney only make 1, maybe 2 movies a year - that leaves a whole lotta couch time to fill for the rest of the year in the meantime, and you gotta start going lower and lower down the talent list to do it too. Plenty of Leno’s stand-up contemporaries, the guys he came up the ranks with and who already dislike him, they’re writers for sitcoms and such now - and you think they’ll forget this? There’s a plethora of young Hollywood out there, who hate the way the machine works, but who your Talent Producer is going to try to get on the couch - they’re not going to forget this either, Jay. What, you got Bill Maher in your corner, that’s your voice of reason, the sign that everything is ok? Maher is your benchmark??

Get yourself some dignity back while you can, Leno. You might beat Dave every night now, but come another 16 months and the Conze-Letterman Express will be breaking down your door, who do you think is going to sit on your couch then?

Oh yeah, and Dave has Kate Hudson on tonight - I hate her too. At least I have some Vodka-flavored soap for when I let myself open in the tub tonight. Oh man this is rough.

STEPHAN: Jungle Jack Hanna!! Those are some of the best Late Show interview segments possible. Jungle Jack never knows anything about the animals he’s talking about, and Dave always calls him on it. Also, you get to see cute, furry things.

Speaking of cute, furry things, when I first saw Kate Hudson in Almost Famous, I thought she was the best. She’s adorable, and she was raised by Kurt Russell. She’s the Perfect Woman. And then she started doing other things, like giving interviews and saying things in public, and that all fell apart. Maybe she’s just such a great actress that she’s created a public persona that’s dumber than a bag of hammers less than smart, but I have the sinking suspicion that it’s just her actual personality. She seems nice enough though. She did, after all, pass her PW crown to her Almost Famous co-star Zooey Deschanel.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Colin Farrell, Lenny Kravitz
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jessica Alba, Mo’Nique, Dierks Bentley
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Team Letterman must have finished that Douchebag bell they’ve been working on for so long. I suppose it is Friday, you gotta really blow things out with Lenny ‘Bag of Hammers’ Kravitz. Yeesh. Too bad they couldn’t work Dane Cook or Seth Meyers or somebody else in at the number two spot and really complete the trifecta.

ERECH: Wait, didn’t Fergie have almost this exact same line-up last week? I remember for a fact I made fun of Alba being on there, did she make a return visit? And Mo’Nique, I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve made fun of this piece of work - I almost wish fat women would actually be accepted throughout all of society as the pinnacle of female beauty, so then that hack wouldn’t have anything left to talk about.

Like that’ll ever happen though. Yikes.

And that brings to a close another racially diverse week here at LNT - in honor of Black History Month, we want you all to go research Mo’Nique’s proud and uplifting career, and remember, it’s not the size of your dream that matters but if you get extra fries with that, yeah?

Go get ‘em Mo’!

Read Past LNT’s:
Week 10
Week 9
Week 8
Week 7-5
Week 7-4
Week 7-3
Week 7-2
Week 7-1
Week 6
Week 5
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1