12 Weeks strong!

As much as we would love to discuss the Shaq, we promised not to talk about sports for at least a little while, so we’re back talking about the same things we’re always talking about. Even though Michael Eisner claimed the strike was over last week (his time machine must have a broken dial or something), the WGA members vote tomorrow to decide whether to end this thing or not. So, in this space next week you might get to read something new, but who knows? Do the Oscars really mean that much?

The Grammy Awards certainly don’t. When the highlight of your award show is Jay-Z thanking himself for being the best, your award show pretty much needs to go away. We’re not saying you have to send the tape through a wood chipper or anything, but clearly your day is done. Pack it in, and say good night because you’ve clearly got nothing left. Also, the fact that you chose to involve Kid Rock in anything other than mockery means maybe the wood chipper is not a bad idea.

One final note for everyone who enjoys laughter. Remember last week when we told you to keep an eye out for Jungle Jack Hanna on Dave? Here’s some proof we know what we’re talking about:

Anyways, this week is super backloaded on the talent front so read along as we provide your guide to Late Night Gold:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - SI Swimsuit cover revealed, Kate Walsh, OK Go with Bonerama
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julie Chen, Natasha Bedingfield
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Adam Carolla, Janice Dickinson, Sia

STEPHAN: More like Kate Walsh with Bonerama, amirite, folks? Hello, boobies.

Y’know, I don’t know who Kate Walsh is nor do I know what Bonerama is (other than a tasteful euphemism for Spectravision). OK Go is that one band with the Youtube song, right? So this probably isn’t a repeat from 1984 when people (who were capable of boners) actually cared about who was on the cover of the SI swimsuit edition, is it? I thought Letterman got a strike exemption, but I guess it must have run out or something.

ERECH: Something far more interesting to talk about than tonights line-up (apparently Kate Walsh is pretty, Julie Chen hosts some pap, and Janice Dickinson has gone cocaine-crazy from years of knowing she’s a horrible person inside - and out.) is this little tidbit we forget to pontificate on last month - Conan buying a big new house in Los Angeles. And what does that information have to do with our column? Well for one thing, it indicates a very likely possibility that Conze has EVERY intention of taking over The Tonight Show next year. It also means that Jay Leno… your days are numbered.

Six months ago, I was the biggest proponent of Leno keeping the The Tonight Show, because honestly I’m (still) not sure Conan is right for the 11:35 slot. Now though, after seeing the slimy WGA-show behavior from Jay, coupled with the fact that he had the nerve to scab on his own show with the jokes he did write (Lewinsky jokes without irony are awesome - wowzers.), makes me now wish him nothing but television failure. Having him lose his coveted NBC slot with all the gusto and pomp of Peter Gallagher being drug from the share-holders meeting in Mr. Deeds - YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!

It’s the little things in life that make us happy, and after Leno spending years punching corny cracks at the expense of other celebrities misfortunes, now we can all repay the favor by busting chops on him when NBC shows him the door in favor of Conze.

The countdown begins, The Zone is closing in, and no matter what network Leno ends up at next - his reign is over.

Bet.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Evangeline Lilly, 2008 SI Swimsuit cover model, Brad Paisley
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Susan Sarandon, Bonnie Somerville
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: I used to love Evangeline Lilly so much, right up until about the start of this new season of Lost 2 weeks back. That show is treading so much water, has lost touch with what the theme of the show is/was, and is so mother effing obnoxious in it’s intentional vagary (IF WE DON’T TELL THEM WHAT ANYTHING MEANS THEY WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN WE DON’T!) that I retroactively now pretty much hate everyone on the show (and everyone who writes for it too - you hear that BKV??) - except for the black guy from Oz who knew when to get out, because the getting was good. So I’m not going to so far as to give Dave an L tonight, but it’s pretty damn close - and only on the internet can a guy like me call an hour of television with beautiful women (and some yokel) an L - GO ME!

Watching Sarandon and f-Craiggers should be kind of awkward, I’m not really sure what to expect. She doesn’t really have anything coming out soon enough to shill for, and since it’s a high-politico season I’d imagine that’s going to come up more than a little during the course of the convo. Especially given Fergs recent transition to Americano. Oh politics.

STEPHAN: Ladies Night again over on CBS. This time we’ve got someone from Flashback Island though, so it’s at least famous people. Fake Craiggers has an old lady and Bill Pontiac’s daughter which is a pretty exciting night for him. Remember when TV used to be watchable? That was a long time ago.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Martin Short, Amy Ryan
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Michael Clarke Duncan, Angela Kinsey, North Mississippi Allstars
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Martin Short’s on Dave, and our sources tell us we’re finally going to get to the bottom of the Full Frame only DVD release of Clifford. Charles Grodin just wanted to talk about his book benefiting homeless people, but Martin Short is Canadian, and is thus too polite to rebuff Dave’s incisive questioning techniques. On Fergie, we learn that black people travel in packs surrounding small, annoying blonde women. Also, Michael Clarke Duncan really likes Sammies.

ERECH: Since Stephan went and stole my MCD/Sammies joke, this will be the last LNT you’ll ever see me on (oh we all know that threat has less teeth than Amy Winehouse) - enjoy it while it lasts! Other than that, over on Dave we get Martin Short - who seems to age less than Dick Clark - and Amy Ryan who by sheer factor of being so damn likeable should by all rights be in the A-slot on Dave tonight.

That wood chipper is still warmed up, Short - play it close to the vest, OR ELSE!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Regis Philbin
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Evangeline Lilly, Adam Goldberg, Bebel Gilberto
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

ERECH: I used to love Evangeline Lilly so much, right up until about the start of this new season of Lost 2 weeks back. That show is treading so much water, has lost touch with what the theme of the show is/was, and is so mother effing obnoxious in it’s intentional vagary (IF WE USE THE SAME SETUP AND RESOLVE EACH EPISODE BUT WITH DIFFERENT CHARACTERS EACH TIME MAYBE THEY WON’T NOTICE!!) that I retroactively now pretty much hate everyone on the show (and everyone who writes for it too - you hear that BKV??) - except for the other black guy from Oz who knew when to get out, because the getting was good.

Oh yeah, and the Hebrew Hammer!

STEPHAN: Regis! Tonight is officially a W.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - TBA
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Charles Barkley, Bill Burr
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeffrey Tambor, Ivana Milicevic, Bobby Miyamoto
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA

STEPHAN: Sir Charles! Tonight is officially a W. Fake Craiggers even has ‘Hey Now’ Hank Kingsley and George Bluth, Sr. That’s a dynamite lineup, especially for him.

ERECH: Bill Burr is a pretty good guy, and funny enough, so I’m gonna go ahead and give Dave a “W” as well. Followed up with Tambor pimping for his new CBS show (which supposedly sucks - bummer) on Fergs, I’m gonna go with CBS tonight ftw. Controversial choice? That’s what LNT is all about, stirring up the hornets nest - DON’T GET STUNG!

And thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s another week - LNT promises that next week we’ll cover all our recent fanmail, and hopefully be able to brush everyone up on what a world of television with writers looks like. Written television, SCRIPTS even - can you even imagine?!

Oh the glory, and it taunts us so - although we’re not-so-secretly hoping the WGA turns down this current deal and hits the bricks for a few more weeks - up yours Eisner!

Back next week, kids.

Read Past LNT’s:
Week 11
Week 10
Week 9
Week 8
Week 7-5
Week 7-4
Week 7-3
Week 7-2
Week 7-1
Week 6
Week 5
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1