Week 14.

Oscar Roundup!

Diablo Cody has as many Academy Awards as Martin Scorsese.

Roundup Over!

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Eric Bana, Catherine O’Hara, Tift Merritt
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Will Ferrell, Michael McDonald
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Will Arnett, Flavor Flav, Super Furry Animals
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jennifer Beals, Carrie Ann Inaba, Little Big Town
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Anne Heche, the Helio Sequences

STEPHAN: Will Arnett and Will Ferrell really want us to see that basketball movie. What if we as a country decide to watch them on The Zone and Dave respectively instead? It’d be better for all of us if we did.

Oh, who am I kidding? The ABA is the only thing America has done right. Of course, I’m going to see that terrible movie.

ERECH: Fergs and Jennifer Beals is a nice combo - she’s charming and always has a funny story or two to share (usually with at least one involving real life lesbians!), and f-Craiggers might even do his “she’s a maniac” dance in the monologue to boot!

Conan and Arnett really doesn’t get much better for tv viewing, period. Let’s count on a Law & Order air guitar reprise, or at the very least a Year 2000 intro. Hopefully that’ll make all the nerds happy who were sad when Arnett jumped off that turd Knight Rider remake while the jumping was good - nerds have the worst taste. The worst.

Finally, I know I’ve been harsh on Leno the last couple months, and even though he deserved it - he still occasionally deserves a cracker too. Like for when he has underexposed awesome people like Catherine O’Hara on, or at the very least for giving guys like Mitch Fatel and Ross the intern airtime too. There, that was my “be nice to the chin” moment for the year, now I’m going back to being a dick - DEAL.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dennis Quaid, David Koechner, Lupe Fiasco
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Courteney Cox, Thomas Friedman, Chingy with Ludacris
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Will Ferrell, Rashida Jones, Tae Kwon Do expert Fred Simmons
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Regis Philbin, Shanna Moakler, Alice Smith
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Nate Berkus, Mary J. Blige, Missy Higgins

ERECH: I’ve seen Quaid on a lot of talk shows the last 2 weeks or so, and coupled with the near-tragedy with his newborn children recently, as well as all the junket work he’s had to do for this snooze Vantage Point - the guy just looks WIPED. He may not be the greatest actor in the world, or even half the time even choose movies I’d ever EVER want to see, but he’ll always get a pass in my book for taking the curb-stomp he did from Meg Ryan and that reprobate Russell Crowe a few years back. So go home on Wednesday and take a nap, Quaids - me and Stephan give you permission for some much needed r&r.

And now I pass the column over to Stephan, President of the “Rashida Jones 4Ever” fanclub:

STEPHAN: The “Rashida Jones 4Ever” fan club would like to remind everyone that Rashida Jones was on 24 episodes of The Office, and they didn’t work in a single “Flashes of Quincy” ref. We manage at least two (2!) per meeting. That show could easily be so much better. Anyways, more to the point, she is great, and in 2009 she’s making a movie with Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. This is probably the last movie I’ll ever see. For me, movies will be done, and I won’t need them anymore. It’ll be ever so grand.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus, Brooke Shields
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kid Scientists, Natalie Portman, Kenna
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Georgie James
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eric Bana, Patricia Clarkson, Barry Manilow
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Heidi Klum, Jim Cramer, Bullet For My Valentine

STEPHAN: Did someone say Kid Scientists on Letterman? Yes. TV will be good for at least 15 minutes Wednesday night.

ERECH: Billy Ray Cyrus lately looks like some kind of weird “If They Mated” amalgam between Steven Cojocaru and the scary Indian guy (feathers, not dots) from Black Eyed Peas -

Another thing quantified by the undeniable power of mathematics that these three gentlement have in common? Yes, that’s right - they’re all awful.

Now I’m not gonna throw dude’s kid under the bus, I’ve got at least that little class. I get that the little guys love some Hannah Montana and everything, and there is nothing wrong with that - at all. But you know what else kiddies love? Power Rangers, Play Doh, and boogers. We gonna start having that on talk shows and magazine covers all over the place now too? Let’s get it together America, we’re all adults here. C’mon.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Wanda Sykes, Cat Power
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Amy Adams, Jamie Oliver, Liam Finn
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Natalie Portman, Robert Schimmel, James Blunt
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jason Randal
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Martin Lawrence

ERECH: Amy Adams and Jamie Oliver equal an F for Dave tonight - even though Dave’ll probably drink some sherry or cooking wine and make a huge mess and be hillarious while he helps Oliver cook. Amy Adams is pretty unbearable though, if not cute and kind of talented - and Jamie Oliver is just taintgoo. Yeah I said it , so what? Hopefully Lyle the intern pops in to save the day, yeah? Yambags ftw.

Marty-Mar on Kimmel should be weird - or maybe the word I’m looking for is depressing. How is it that “The funniest black man in America” hasn’t made a good movie since House Party 2? I’m all for taking cash-grabs like that awful Scientology-on-bikes movie he did last year, but where is the scale on that - you gotta even out the crap with the good stuff man! YIN AND YANG. What, Raven Simone as his daughter in this new Disney flick is the payoff we get for sitting through Wild Hogs? Raven Simone is easily as bad as having to watch John Travolta and Tim Allen any day of the week, but at least with Tool Time we can imagine all the blow it took for him to accept the role. Simone probably jumped at a chance to work on this flick - well maybe not jumped, so much as wobbled or something - and that, again, is just depressing. Hell, if you switched out Simone for Rondell Sheridan as his daughter, at least then there’d be a chance for legitimate laughs - otherwise how long do you think it’ll be before Disney starts putting canned laughter into their dtv movies too? UGH.

I hate you now Martin, because you clearly hate us all back. Why do you hate us so much? Why?

STEPHAN: I’m going to disagree on the Amy Adams, I think she’s great. Unless, that’s not who I’m thinking of, and I then I don’t know who that is. She was the chick in Junebug that danced at the Oscars, right?

What is wrong with Martin Lawrence? He should maybe take a Chappelle for awhile, and come back when he’s funny.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dave Salmoni and animals, the Punch Brothers
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Woody Harrelson, Tommy Tiernan
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Christina Ricci, Shooter Jennings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Dweezil Zappa, Steve Mazan
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Rerun TBA

STEPHAN: Shooter Jennings has a lot to learn from Dweezil Zappa. For example, getting yourself booked on Conze because your father was famous only gets you the third slot, but getting booked on f-Craiggers for the same reason, gets you the “A” guest position. It’s okay Shooter, you’re still new to this whole process. I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

ERECH: Ricci told a pretty strange story on Leno last week about a monkey playing with her tit - I bet she tells it again on the Zone tonight. BET!

Worldwide Pants is closing the week down with a couple of ok comics - Tommy Tiernan and Steve Mazan. Mazan is probably funnier to most people, but Tiernan’s Irish brogue is pretty damn soothing - especially when he says stuff like “fook” and “coo’nt”, or especially “fookin’ coo’nt”. Thumbs up, Pants.

And that’s a wrap! Thanks to all the nice emails we got last week regarding Stephan’s “casino accident” (both his thumbs are now successfully re-attached!), and remember you can still send in get well cards, flowers or donations to:

LNT
c/o Stephan & Erech
Late Night Thing Blvd
Suite 213
Hollywood, Ca. 90038

We like cookies too!

Read Past LNT’s:
Week 13
Week 12
Week 11
Week 10
Week 9
Week 8
Week 7-5
Week 7-4
Week 7-3
Week 7-2
Week 7-1
Week 6
Week 5
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1