Eighteenth week.

The most common question we get asked is, “Thanks for all the great insight about the Late Night Television world. You guys are just the best part about the series of tubes.”

We then always reply, “Thanks very much, but that’s not really a question.”

Then they say, “Oh, yeah. See, that’s why you’re the best. Perception. Um, well, what about movies? There are so many movies in the world these days, how could I possibly know what I should be seeing?”

Well, we finally have an answer (Beyond, “It’s just nice to be asked.”). Coming soon, we’ll be reviewing movies (hopefully one a week, but, well, you know how life is, so we don’t want to really promise anything) that you can get from Netflix and enjoy yourselves. However, that doesn’t help you tonight. (Unless you work at a Netflix processing center, and if so, let us know either in the comments or via e-mail, and we’ll definitely work something out.)

So, today LNT becomes LNT&M we’ll do a quick rundown of movies you probably have the option of watching at your local multiplex or budget theater to let you know if they’re worth your $18.

Horton Hears a Who: If you have kids, you probably already saw this. If you don’t have kids and love Jim Carey so much that you’re mad that we just misspelled his name, you’re probably not going to enjoy anything we have to say, so you might want to just skim the schedule and be on your way. Unless you want to internet-fight, in which case, Erech not only insisted on spelling your comedy hero’s name wrong, but he also made some rather unfair insinuations about your mom (editor’s note: Erech would like to point out that he only said those things because Stephan wouldn’t stop talking about that thing she does with her tongue.).

Doomsday: This movie is only supposed to be 105 minutes long, but it feels like a Kevin Costner epic (3 hours of running time and several years from your life). Oh, for all you Rhona Mitra superfans, just watch the Ali G movie again. This is better than Skinwalkers, and it’ll probably be fun on DVD, but in a format where you can’t fast forward or rewind when you accidentally took a smoke break during one of the few good parts, it’s just not worth it.

The Bank Job: We didn’t get this movie at all. All of a sudden Chev Chelios isn’t a hitman, has a different name, and is in a super boring movie? What’s the point? Plus, Inside Man just came out. It’s the same basic premise but great. Who needs this movie? (Especially when there’s still no Crank 2.)

10000 B.C.: This movie is exactly 100 times worse than 1,000,000 B.C. even though it cost 1000 times as much. We apologize if anyone else has used this line. If so, it’s not stolen, it’s just hacky.

Drillbit Taylor: This is the movie that Owen Wilson apologized for by trying to kill himself. We told all y’all it wasn’t a cry for help (though neither of us guessed sabotage).

In Bruges: Go and see it. Even though the trailer claims In Bruges is a lowbrow stupidfest, it’s actually quite a well made, nuanced film starring, of all people, Colin Farrell.

Never Back Down: Yeah, you’re not this desperate to be entertained. We just included it for thematic reasons.

We were going to keep going, but this is just getting depressing. Other than In Bruges, you already saw all the good movies out. It’s not our fault the Hollywood system keeps churning out College Road Trips and Shutters all year round. Television is the same quagmire, but we’re still here to guide you through, so scroll down and enjoy the magic that is Week 18 of Late Night Thing:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Peter O’Toole, Katt Williams, Leona Lewis
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Demi Moore, Counting Crows
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Michael Strahan, Sarah Bolger, Sheryl Crow
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Laurence Fishburne, Rashida Jones, Joe Devito
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Heidi Klum, Jim Cramer, Bullet For My Valentine

STEPHAN: Is Kimmel a rerun? I realize this is the kind of thing I’m supposed to know while sitting here at LNT HQ pretending to be an expert, but I honestly don’t care enough about anything Kimmel does to check. I’m reasonably sure he takes Mondays off though. Somebody should ask Erech. Anyways, the Thursday before Bear Stearns fell apart Jim Kramer said on his show not to sell because they were going to be fine. Then the stock went from $60 a share (last year it was over $150) to $2 a share. If this is a new show Jimmy has to ask him about that and there’s a good chance Cramer will kill him. That would be amazing television. It’s probably a rerun though, so don’t worry.

Either way look at the stock price for Bear Stearns over the past year. This company survived the Great Depression, but can’t handle the Clinton-into-Bushocalypse.

It does put the current presidential primary race into perspective, doesn’t it? Who cares who wins? All we’ll remember is that they were the president when America finally stopped working.

ERECH: I’m hesitant to suggest Leno might be worth watching tonight, but O’Toole could be a good reason to tune in - if for nothing else than because we’re PROBABLY not going to get to see him do too terribly many more talk-shows before he exits stage right… FOREVER. Ahem. Factor in the lascivious tantrums apt for both Leno and Sir Pete here (aka “Dirty Old Men”), and it might be a match made in heaven. Then you follow up with Katt Williams, and the idea of all 3 of these guys sitting on a couch near each other sounds like it might actually be pretty good. Plus, Katt Williams was great on The Greatest American Hero too. Jay, you’ve got a rare winner here - cherish it.

I’ve tried reasonably hard to like Rashida Jones new show (or rather, The Craig Bierko Show), even though the writing on it doesn’t want ANYONE to. It took me 4 episodes to even understand why any of the four leads are constantly hanging around one another, I mean (Unless it’s a spin-off from Grey’s Anatomy DUN DUN DUH) they can’t all be boning, right? But then I realized the name of the show was the clue - AHHHHHH Unhitched - they’re all sad bastard divorcee’s. One thing I have learned from watching it that I never knew before was just how damn short Jones is though. 4′8″, maybe 9″ - tops. Wow midgets gettin’ it done.

Conan is on vacation all week, and Yimmy is coming in with his 3-day weekend episode, as usual. Dave’s pretty weak tonight with the timewarp episode (THE YEAR WAS 1996!), although he could pull it out and make this a W. That is, until the musical act comes on. You think Bruno’ll* be hanging around the green room tonight?

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Abigail Breslin, Seth Meyers, Steve Earle
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kate Bosworth, John Witherspoon, the Raveonettes
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Peter Fisher, Bob Arnot, Eric Lindell
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Thandie Newton, Dom Irrera, Bell X1
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - 1st eliminated “Dancing with the Stars”, Roseanne Barr, Panic! at the Disco

ERECH: Conan has a rerun full of people I’ve never heard of, and I’m 98% sure I saw the episode the first time around. How’d I even get this LNT gig anyways??

fake-Craiggers has Thandie Newton (pretty, but crazy) and Dom Irrera (not as pretty, but also crazy) on, which might make for a good night.

Jay has Stephan’s arch-enemy Seth Meyers on (who apparently has forgotten there was a writer’s strike recently, yeah?). Ever wonder what happens when two men let one woman come between them? Well you’re about to find out….

STEPHAN: Fun fact: Erech got the LNT gig because he knows where to go to check what episodes are reruns or not. And he guards that information with a metaphorical pack of wild dogs.

It’s pretty disappointing having Seth Meyers for an arch-enemy. In my head, my nemesis was always going to be that God Hates Fags guy (or maybe Robin Williams). Y’know, someone awful and full of hate (probably not Robin Williams) who would recognize me as a great Humanist and try to shut me and my ideas down, but in the end I’d win that motorcycle race and old Rev. Phelps would become so enraged he would suffer heart stoppage and I would finally become Hero of America. Instead, it’s me against a rather mediocre (So how generous and populist I am? I’ve seen SNL lately, something much harsher than “mediocre” is totally justified here.) head writer for a terrible television show. Oh, well. At least I’m winning right now. I don’t have to watch Rashida’s terrible sitcom.

And yes, my section has been self-absorbed and pointless, but Erech already pointed out how good Fergie looks tonight, and what else is there? Roseanne on Kimmel is okay, I guess, but then you still have to watch Kimmel, and why are you doing that to yourself?

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - John Krasinski, Joe Torre, Jose Gonzalez
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Brian Williams, Judy Greer, Langhorne Slim
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ed Helms, Bjork
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Pamela Anderson, Christian Siriano, Judith Smith-Levin
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - John Cusack, Sofia Vergara, the Jonas Brothers

STEPHAN: Judy Greer’s sitcom has not been anything (yet?), but she’s great (Although where’s my Arrested Development: The Movie?) and that’s an amazing lineup on The Dave Show. Brian Williams is definitely Talk Show Funny and Langhorne Slim played at Invite Them Up, so that’s good enough for me.

The Zone is in reruns right? I’m pretty sure I saw this episode, so it’s either reruns or I’m becoming a prophet. Either one is not great (I’d rather not be set on fire.), but I like all the guests, and while this episode could have been better, it was definitely better than Pamela Anderson (or Christian Siriano) or Sofia Vergara (or I guess, John Cusack). Unless you’re looking for masturbation material for when you time travel back to 1995. Then I would definitely recommend Jimmy Kimmel. There is little better than Fuera de Serie era Sofia Vergara:

Oh, and John Cusack had just finished the terrible Road to Wellville, so coming up with a proper scenario there shouldn’t be difficult either (although finding a clip on youtube proves impossible, but that’s just a testament to how bad that movie was and how only you and your time traveling genitalia can right his wrongs):

ERECH: fake-Tim Canterbury is on Leno tonight, another person who it seems forgot we just came out of a writer’s strike. Oh who am I kidding, we all knew the show of solidarity would only last so long as the picket signs were up, who cares now if Jay ran a scab show? As long as the celeb-u-tards get to pimp their wares, lets everyone who was sympathetic to (or even one of) the writers, just all turn a blind eye to Jay giving the WGA the big “UP YOURS”, so the craft services guy (aka Subway employees) wouldn’t have to go on unemployment. It might sound snobby, but there’s economics at work here that the Grips and Gaffers and the Electricians all understood and supported, so don’t buy that “I came back so the other 80 people who work here wouldn’t starve” rhetoric guys like Jay and Bill Maher spew for sympathy. But at least we get new Office episodes in 2 weeks, yay.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Conan O’Brien, Anderson Cooper, Allison Moorer
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Stupid Human Tricks, Eva Longoria, Colbie Caillat
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jake Gyllenhaal, Ghostland Observatory
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Susan Sarandon, Bonnie Somerville
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Don Rickles, Jim Sturgess, Black Tide

ERECH: So Conan took a break this week to go shore up his new surroundings for the upcoming host switcheroo? It’s funny, Conan has been on Jay a few times over the years, and they’re always more than friendly and cordial to one another, but there’s always been an underlying feeling of aggression between the two that more than taints the interview to almost unwatchable status. Half the time Conan doesn’t even seem to be looking at Jay, but rather talking around him or even doing material. Conan does definitely seems like a bigger deal as a guest though than the self-deprecating act he puts on for his own show, so it’ll be worth watching for that alone. Hmm, I wonder if Conan’ll bring up any of Jay’s strike stuff while he’s there? Our inside sources tell us there was plenty of talk about Jay pulling his fast one at the Late Night Camp during the strike, so who knows. Also, something I never thought of, all the great writers on Conan who’re based in NYC, I wonder how many of them we’re gonna lose when the show moves to LA and they don’t want to relocate with it? Boo.

STEPHAN: There might be basketball or something on tonight as well, so if you don’t care about Leno & the Zone mano a mano (and frankly, I can’t blame you for not caring), pretend to be a real American and watch some underdog become the overunderdog. Or not. Honestly, I’m probably going to be watching whatever episodes of Home Movies are on my Tivo and wondering if Cartoon Network now is really Fox circa 2003.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Kid Inventors, K.D. Lang
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Charles Barkley, Bill Burr
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jerry Seinfeld, David Ortiz, Sondre Lerche
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Tom Selleck, Dario Franchitti, Ziggy Marley
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kate Bosworth, Spencer Grammer, Serj Tankian

STEPHAN: Oh, man. Well, if you got into the college basketball spirit yesterday, you’re probably better just keeping that up. For everyone else, why are you watching any of this? You already saw that Letterman and it was great, but great enough to watch again? Nah. Why don’t we as an LNT family all go out some bar that we’ve never been to and report back next week. I did it last week and it was rousing failure, so this week will undoubtedly go smooth as buttersilk.

ERECH: Bunch of reruns tonight, except for Jay and Jimmy (maybe?), but that doesn’t mean they’re all bad. Sir Charles was great. Dario Franchitti talks about peeing himself. And Jimmy has Serj on the Pontiac stage, which should be good. Ok, who am I kidding, this is pretty bad for 5 full hours of American television, but it’s Friday night. If we had anything better to do, don’t you think I’d be working it off from last weekend and unable to write this now? EXACTLY.

18 weeks down, and we all look back in awe and wonder at how the hits just keep on coming and coming. No breaks. No commericals. Just week in and week out top entertaiment bang for your buck! Jay can’t say that, and neither can Dave. Conan wouldn’t dare, Fergie’ll cower in fear, and Jimmy just couldn’t think it. LNT kids, we never ran and we never will - we ain’t scurred!

READ THE LNT ARCHIVES!

* - In the late-1980s, Willis enjoyed moderate success as a recording artist, recording an album of pop-blues entitled The Return of Bruno, which included the hit single “Respect Yourself”, promoted by a Spinal Tap-like rockumentary parody featuring scenes of him performing at famous events including Woodstock. Follow-up recordings were not as successful, though Willis has returned to the recording studio several times.