TWENTY. WHOLE. WEEKS.

To celebrate the big Two Oh (and our Spring finale - look, if Fox can say after every 4 in-a-row run of one of their crappy shows that it’s an INSERT SEASON HERE finale, we can do it too. Don’t worry though, we’re gonna be back next week!), we’re going to do something as worthless as celebrating something as arbitrary as 20 weeks and we’re going to be starting the LNT Guest Hall of Fame. Look, the beginning of every episode of Dave or Conan or whatever is about equally good. They have a bunch of writers and they do pretty much the same skits every day (or at least weekly). Sure, sometimes something transcendent will happen, but ultimately there’s a level of quality that they hit just about every night. What really separates the shows is the guests. If we’re going to stay tuned to the second half of a talk show we need something interesting to happen. This isn’t just if the guest can convincingly tell the story the writers their publicist hired made up for them, but also if they can harness their nervousness into something fascinating. Of course, sometimes there’s nothing better than a trainwreck, and that counts just as much (if not moreso).

LNT is from Americans, by Americans, so we’re forced to use the democratic process with all of our endeavors (to some extant anyways). This means our readers will get to determine the candidates for the inaugural class. Feel free to write in your nominations in the comments or email us at: murdershow@gmail.com (a YouTube video will greatly help your nomination too!)

Of course, some people don’t need the nomination process, at all. We’re denoting six folks who don’t need any sort of process: Norm MacDonald is in, no questions asked. Harland Williams gets in, and, who can forget Bill Murray? On the other side of the fence, Drew Barrymore is in (even if she’s no longer very interesting, she’s still got lifetime immunity from when she was), Amy Sedaris (self-explanatory), and Amy Poehler gets the last official spot (she is Andy Richter’s sister after all). Anyone after that, and it’s up to you guys who read LNT to finally get to tell us what’s good.

Let’s get to the listings now though, but don’t forget to give us your nominations too, faithful reader(s).

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Thomas Hayden Church, Sig & Edgar Hansen, Jimmy Eat World
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kid Scientists, Natalie Portman, Kenna w/ Pharrell Williams & Chad Hugo
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Steve Harvey, Howard Bach, Hot Chip
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Bob Saget, Jennifer Esposito, Bell X1
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Naomi Watts, James Blake, Cobra Starship

STEPHAN: Why does Bob Saget get to keep doing things? He’s rich, so it’s not like his friends are giving him work just to keep him out of the poorhouse. Can’t we just let him leave? Jennifer Esposito is a good talk show guest with a terrible filmography. She was in LNT’s favorite Spike Lee Joint, “He Got Game,” but she hasn’t done anything else that’s good. I guess what I’m trying to say is that Craig Ferguson has been really good lately. I don’t know if he’s just getting more comfortable in the chair, or if watching all these celebutards talking about themselves is destroying my ability to discern the difference between not-terrible and legitimately good. I hope he’s just getting used to his chair. *Programming Note: CBS is playing college basketball tonight, so remember the CBS’s late night programming is starting at least a half hour late.

ERECH: Dave is on reruns all week, but they’re pretty good ones so I’d say if you missed them first go-round, check em out this week. Here’s a fun-fact - I used to post on a message board with some people I thought were kinda cool - then one day I came online to see a thread about Wes Anderson’s latest, The Darjeeling Limited. Of course the bulk of the conversations revolved around Hotel Chevalier, and Ms. Portman’s various nude scenes in it. You wanna know what the general consensus was on her from these comic nerds, video game zombies and fans of college football (that was an insult, in case you missed it…)? That she was ugly, gross and “un-doable”. Can you even believe that? Here’s another fun-fact, by the end of that week, I never posted on that message board again. Moral of the story - internet, you’re full of fucktards. So tune in to Dave tonight to see the hideousness that is Natalie Portman.

Sigh.

Jimmy is coming in with a rerun today as usual, what IS worth mentioning though is that it’s a SOOPER DOOPER RERUN, I think they’ve ran it like 4 times now. Seriously. In fact, I’m pretty sure it aired last week too, although if anyone’d know, you think it should be me (psst - I don’t know, therefore Stephan should be taking application for a new LNT Co-Host starting asap, yeah?).

Conan has Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey is awful, unfunny and obnoxious. Therefore, Conan doesn’t have me tonight. Plus, if I have to watch one more segment of Conze asking some black dude how he can dress cool too, I’m gonna cry. Yay for Tylenol PM.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dennis Quaid, Russell Brand, P.O.D.
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sylvester Stallone, Teutul family, Mars Volta, Bruce Willis sits w/ the CBS Orchestra
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jarod Miller, David Gregory, John Olive
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Anne Heche, Deion Sanders, Clinton Jackson
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Thomas Haden Church, 4th eliminated celeb from “Dancing with the Stars”, Phantom Planet

ERECH: Who the hell is Jarod Miller and why is he on so many talkies lately? (yet another reason Stephan should be fishing for a new co-host…)

I’ve recently figured out the key to making obnoxious, pointless indie flick trailers that magically somehow fool everyone into thinking they will be good; insane facial hair. Seriously, go look at all these slides from Quaid and co’s new flick, Smart People. If all them crazy hippie beards on normally clean-shaven faces don’t make you think it’s gonna be a good indie flick, well then you just don’t know what to think anymore.

Speaking of…

What’s that, you say you don’t hate Bruce Willis? Well wanna learn how? First go check out Bruce Willis posting in the talkbacks at AICN while pimping Die Hard 4 (point oh) last year. And if that didn’t do it, then go actually watch Die Hard 4 (point oh). FINALLY if you still aren’t convinced, if watching Bruce Willis sit in with Paul Schafer and the CBS Orchestra tonight on Dave doesn’t finally do it, then you just have no discernable taste at all. Time to cash it in, fellate that shotgun, take one for the team, and say you’re sorry to the rest of the human race.

Or just watch this, and burn in your own personal hell.

STEPHAN: I still like Bruce Willis. I don’t want to hang out with him or anything, but I like him at least as much as any other action star. Anyways, Jarod Miller is the 12 year old animal expert, and Conan will spend the entire segment belittling him. It’s great TV. David Gregory is one of the best talking heads NBC has, and the Zone should be a big W tonight. And thank god for Tivo, because faux-Craiggers is going to be getting it done tonight too. Anne Heche into Deion Sanders? What did Craig do to his booker to deserve that? This could be a trainwreck for the ages.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ellen Page, Donny & Marie Osmond, Angie Stone
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Will Ferrell, Michael McDonald
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Tapes ‘N Tapes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Roseanne Barr, Kaley Cuoco, Counting Crows
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Tom Arnold, Bret Michaels, Human Giant

STEPHAN: Human Giant is the best thing on television right now (until 30 Rock comes back anyways). Those boys got piles of funny. Plus, invisible Human Giant member Jason Woliner sent Tom Scharpling a fancy copy of the Juno script. How awesome is that?

The real sauce tonight is on the Scotsman though. Not only is official friend of LNT, Roseanne Barr on, but some lady who’s name I can’t pronounce and who appears to be famous simply for being attractive. I would argue that right now, Craiggers is only behind Dave in interviewing people solely famous for looking pretty, so this should be a good one. Also, every time I see the listings I read Norm McDonald for Michael McDonald and then get disappointed when I realize my mistake. Norm McDonald needs to get back on the talk show horse.

ERECH: Rosie on Craiggers tonight should be good, I’M GONNA WATCH.

The ex Mr. Roseanne Barr is on Yimmy tonight though, with either the wrassler or porn-star Bret Michaels (is there really a difference?), and then Human Giant. That’s 23% of a good show tonight Jimmy, good job! Here’s to that next 1000 eps…

Finally, Conan hadn’t finalized booking for Wednesday’s show by the time we went to press (ALWAYS wanted to say that!), but it’s safe to assume we won’t be getting an hour long version of Crazy Eights from Tapes ‘N Tapes tonight. Although who wouldn’t wanna see that?!!!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Keanu Reeves, Chelsea Handler, the Redwalls
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jim Carrey, Paula Abdul
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Sarah Jessica Parker, Eddie Izzard, They Might Be Giants
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Alyson Hannigan, Todd Allen, Del the Funky Homosapien
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Nicollette Sheridan, New Orleans Hornet Chris Paul, Switches

ERECH: I’m almost curious enough to see how awkward Keanu will be on Jay tonight to watch. But if you want to repeat that Bruce Willis experiment from above but replace Bruno with Chelsea Handler here, then by all means tune it for that. She’s about as bad as they come. And by no means do I think she is ugly, but just because she isn’t she has somehow gotten this pass as this super hot comedienne. And I take huge offense to that - I mean, she isn’t funny at all. What’s the summation of every bit on Girls Behaving Badly - take two semi-hidden cameras, fill some random office or restaurant with a ton of extras and Chelsea Handler, add one innocent bystander who doesn’t know he’s on tv, act like a total jerk to the guy, wait for him to do nothing, then everyone jumps out yells SURPRISE and tells the poor slob he’s on Girls Behaving Badly. Of course they always have to edit out the part where the mark says, right after being told he’s on this d-list basic cable show, “I’m on what now?”. Although I guess I pretty much described the whole premise for what is (and will probably always be…) the funniest thing Tim & Eric have ever done; Spagettt!

Why Stephan and I don’t have our own show yet is just a crime being committed against YOU, think about it. Then start a letter writing campaign, c’mon!

Craiggers has a decent show tonight. Hannigan is pretty entertaining, Todd Allen’s resume tells me he has no business being on any talkie at all ever, and then we get Del who has an amazing new album out now. Hey, it’s CBS, did’ja really think you’d get a whole hour of uninterupted entertainment? Todd Allen, buying his way onto the teevee since 1982!

STEPHAN: I’m pretty sure that Conan is a rerun from 1995. It’ll be nice to see Andy back in the Zone again. NBA MVP Chris Paul is on Kimmel. Support the guy, he’s led his team to the number 1 seed in the West, and he’s not only going to lose the MVP race to Kobe, but the Hornets aren’t going to get any calls and they’ll end up losing to the Suns or the Lakers or the Spurs. The NBA, it’s FAAAAAAN-TASTIC!!!

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - William Shatner, Tricia Helfer, Ryan Bingham
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Steve Martin, hand shadows performer Raymond Crowe
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Oliver Hudson, AA Bondy
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Brittany Snow
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Christina Applegate, Leona Lewis

STEPHAN: Oh, good William Shatner is doing something. Now Erech has an excuse to talk about how great Boston Legal is again. Oh, who am I kidding, Boston Legal is the only lawyer show worth watching, and Ole Hairpiece is definitely GID on that show. Also, Hugh Hefner’s daughter is on Leno too, so that’ll be some riveting couch talk there. Oh, and if for some reason you have to watch Jimmy Kimmel Live once a week, you could definitely do worse than Christina Applegate.

ERECH: I’ll admit it, I’m gonna watch Leno tonight to see Shatner. Sure, I love(d) Star Trek, even though Paramount has made it completely impossible to say that nowadays with a straight face, but that’s not why I like Shatner now. Nobody likes the fat old Shat because of Star Trek, it’s all about those Priceline commercials, his last album, and Denny Crane. That’s right, Denny is even a greater television character than James T. Kirk ever was, and only the dorkiest of dorks would even try to deny this. Don’t believe me, then go Netflix Season 3 of Boston Legal (yes, the whole thing, I’m sorry for the non-Shatner stuff in advance) and then come back here and tell me you don’t want to shake my hand for opening your sad, sad, Shatless life to the wonder of Denny Crane. He’s senile, old, fat, dirty, drunk and amazing. If Denny Crane and Frank Reynolds could somehow spin from both their respective shows into one new, super-show - well, it’d be the best show starring two short, bald, fat, drunken men on the telly ever. Set your Tivo’s to stun.

Haha that’s right everyone, LNT supports short, bald, fat men. We’re not like those OTHER BLOGS out there who only support pretty and talented people, no siree! That’s because Stephan & Erech are Americans, about as American as it comes too. Give them your tired, your hungry, your poor, your bald and your fat, and those two sweet men will rally behind them like nobodies business! Well, that is as long as you make them laugh, or do cool stuff… otherwise piss off you hobo’s!

GOD BLESS THE LNT ARCHIVES