21 weeks, dealer wins.

Dealer is also still tabulating Hall of Fame votes and arguing by-laws. We’ve had several people suggest both Jon Glaser and Chris Elliott. Of course, they’re great, but they were also writers on their respective shows, so they’re not really guests. Then again, they were always better than the guests, and most of the people who wrote in seemed to have used chest size as the main criteria. And while everyone loves boobs (they are what separate us from the reptile kingdom), this is the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Staring at Chests. Also, probably because we’re so manly, yet still sensitive (Isn’t Schindler’s List a brilliant film?), we have a large homosexual following, and none of them voted solely on package size (or if they did, they were still able to successfully rationalize their voting methodologies sans packages). But if we throw out all the chest votes, then the Hall of Fame ends up looking like an episode of So Graham Norton, not that there’s anything wrong with that, other than Graham Norton. That guy is awful.

Unless we’re wrong here? Sometimes it’s hard to tell people’s intentions. We did throw out all the Pamela Anderson votes, but maybe people really do like Jillian Barbarie? You guys do know she’s taken right? No offense, but you won’t be stealing her from The Kid.

We don’t know, clearly, there’s something we’re missing here. Incidentally, we counted every Penelope Cruz vote twice just because of this clip:

Anyways, don’t fear faithful readers, we are definitely making this stupid endeavor more difficult than it needs to be, and we will continue to do so in the future. That being said:

That’s a great bit, and should be included in any Hall of Fame (especially Cooperstown), right?

Whatever, on to the shows. There are some good ones this week, we promise!

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Mark Harmon, Corbin Maxey, Ray J
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Al Pacino, David Wright
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - John Cusack, James Lipton, Spoon
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Waters, Tricia Helfer, Daniel Lanois
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Naomi Watts, James Blake, Cobra Starship

STEPHAN: I realize Monday looks like a mess, but trust me, our Late Night Pals get some better guests as the week progresses. John Waters and the Scotsman should be a good mix and he should have some fun with Hugh Hefner’s daughter. Hopefully Craig will put on a smoking jacket to interview her. That’ll learn her.

ERECH: Before I get started here, I’d first like to take this time and apologize to any readers who I may have let down last week. I know, I know, I got all caught up in making fun of indie-beards and Juno-lovers, that I forgot what was important about LNT, and that’s making sure you guys don’t watch garbage. And what could possibly be more garbage than accidentally watching P.O.D. on Leno last Tuesday? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Therefore I promise to be more on guard, and do a better job for all of you, because I know you’d do it for me. Now on with the show…

Apparently the Watts/Blake/Starship rerun on Kimmel is the only episode they’ve managed to keep a taped copy of over at ABC, since they’ve rerun it every Monday for the last 2 months. Seriously.

Conan is on vacation this week, and tonight is a pre-strike show. Cusack was whoring for that weird Martian Child movie that he did last year, in which he pretty much snuffed out the last bit of good will he’d earned with America from being so awesome in High Fidelity. Honestly, has the guy made one single good movie since then? I dare you to prove me wrong, go ahead, slip over to IMDB and pull his chart, it’s awful. By the numbers rom/coms, that total PoS Identity (where the whole movie was a figment of the serial killers imagination. no, for real.) and then Runaway Jury, a Grisham novel brought to life. Ouch. Looks like Cusey here is either just gonna phone them in for the rest of his career, or he needs to get a better agent, because ol’ Rob here is floundering on an 8 year series of flops, yikes!

Speaking of flops, isn’t that legitimately the worst Leno line-up we’ve seen since the strike? And don’t get me wrong, Summer School is one of my younger me’s all-time favorite movies that doesn’t show any skin even though it was totally the kind of movie that should have. However, this is the year 2008, and if you’re Jay Leno and you’re really that dead-set on having guys from horrible network police dramas on, couldn’t you at least get Chris Meloni, or Linus Roache or ya know, any one of the hundred guys on the 30 different Law & Orders on NBC (you know, the same network that The Tonight Show is on…). And Ray J? Seriously? For real?

Wow.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Brad Garrett, John Melendez, Ingrid Michaelson
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kelsey Grammer, Kristen Bell, Rogue Wave
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Josh Hartnett, Jack McBrayer, Brother Ali
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julie Andrews, David Krumholtz
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - America Ferrera, 5th eliminated celeb from “Dancing with the Stars”, Apocalyptica

ERECH: Leno listing John Melendez as a guest is about as misleading as if Conan would list Max Weinberg as one. Also of note, why doesn’t Melendez stutter anymore? It was the only thing that made him kind of likable after all, like a 3 legged rat or that closet full of shoes Imelda Marcos had - ya know, quirky traits that make horrible things and people sort of sad, and pathetic. Oh, and Brad Garrett is on tonight too? Geez, what an awful, awful line-up - I love it!

Kimmel proves tonight why he’s on the the bottom of the list every night here at LNT, with shows like this can you blame us? It’s basically an all ABC circle jerk, with Ugly Betty and that awful dance show. And people wonder why we demand to get paid in cocaine to do this column… UGH.

STEPHAN: f-Craiggers should be a winner tonight. He gets to do weird Broadway material with Julie Andrews and then David Krumholtz comes on to be awesome. Hopefully Jason Segel shows up to fight him and then they become friends. That’s probably the nerdiest, confusingest “joke” that’s ever been in this column. Hooray for being unable to separate the fictive and reality! (If you FF past Josh Hartnett that Conan ain’t bad either. McBrayer is good, and I think Brother Ali does a song I like.)

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Charles Barkley, the Young@Heart Chorus
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Uma Thurman, Ira Glass, the Gossip
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Dane Cook, Emily Mortimer, Slash
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jackie Chan, Cobie Smulders, Bell X1
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Minnie Driver, Milo Ventimiglia, Danity Kane

STEPHAN: That’s a good Leno lineup. Is it worth watching Leno for? I don’t know if I would go that far, but it might be. Barkley is always good, and the Young@Heart Chorus is a great idea. I know we’ve always said that old people are the worst, but it turns out that the best of the worst is pretty good. New rule: Children are the worst. They’re super ignorant and they don’t get my delightful literary references. In fact, they don’t laugh at any of my Hector Hulot bon mots, and, in fact, only laugh where I berate them for not having read any Balzac. In summary, kids are stupid.

ERECH: Tom Scharpling’s favorite snob is on Dave tonight, and I don’t know where I fall on that issue. On one hand, as an official FoT I feel an obligation to hate what Tom hates. He says This American Life stinks, and I should agree. BUT I JUST CAN’T! I know Ira Glass is a snob, and annoying, and the house style of nasally, soft-spoken contributors for the show is about as insufferable as it comes. But then sometimes you get to hear a story from David Sedaris, or Sarah Vowell shows up and schools us on Abe Lincoln. Or hear Jonathan Goldstein tell a crazy story about dating Lois Lane on the rebound. And it’s stuff like that which makes all the other nonsense worthwhile. Ira Glass, accidental hero?

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ewan McGregor, John Cho and Kal Penn, Seether
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kelly Ripa, Dr. John P. Holdren, the Black Keys
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Matt Lauer, Ryan Reynolds, A Simple Plan
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Alyssa Milano, Henry Winkler, Jason Aldean
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Dax Shepard, Jesse Ventura, John Mulaney

ERECH: It’s kind of sad that Cho & Penn have to appear together on the same couch in the same segment, just because they happen to be the name actors in those Harold & Kumar flicks. I mean really, that’s kind of effed up, and maybe even a little racist too. And what’s worse, is they’re B-guesting behind Obi Wan, who aside from the Star Wars prequels, probably doesn’t have anywhere near the box office draw that the Harold & Kumar sequel is going to have either. I hate you, Hollywood.*

Matt Lauer comes on Conan tonight and proves you don’t have to be able to talk to go on a talk show. Still, it was kind of fun to watch, and if nothing else you can stick around for Burt Reynolds kid Ryan after that, he’s groovy.

Jimmy is coming in with a strange, unprecedented good show tonight. I had to double check that this was even the line-up for Kimmel, and not like Conan or someone else. Dax Shepard was the best things about Let’s Go To Prison AND Idiocracy. Jesse Ventura is a mutant, and Jimmy shines like a diamond whenever he has lunatics on his show, you can just hear it in Jimmy’s laugh - he mocks them right to their face! And finally, funny young comic Mulaney steps up to the stage to make us all laugh - that Mulaney kid, he’s going places, mark my words. Yimmy doing the do tonight, who would’a thunk it?

STEPHAN: Kelly Ripa on Dave means tons of Regis jokes. Although I don’t watch Regis & Kelly and I never watched Regis & Kathy Lee, Regis seems like one of the good ones. However, Dave ripping on him endlessly and unfairly is always funny. Always. Should be good. Erech already mentioned Mulaney, but I would like to reiterate that you need to set your Tivos for his set. Then when he’s as big as Dane Cook (famewise, not douchewise), you can be mad about all the people who are just now finding him. It’s always fun being mad at the rest of the curve. There has to be some payoff for watching all these godawful shows, right?

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jenna Fischer, Jason Taylor, Flogging Molly
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Amy Poehler, Jason Segel
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Martin Short, Boston Celtic Ray Allen, the Kooks
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kristen Bell, Oliver Hudson, Morrissey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Charles Barkley, Judd Apatow, Lyrics Born

STEPHAN: This is what Late NIght is supposed to be. Amy Poehler and Jason Segel on Dave should be great. Segel was the best part of Undeclared and an important cog in the Freaks & Geeks best television show possible machine. I can’t stand Mila Kunis’s voice, and I’m still looking forward to Forgetting Sarah Marshall more than any other movie that doesn’t have “Dark Knight” in the title. Plus, he’s writing the next Muppet movie. Jenna Fischer is the best part of The Office and it’s probably worth watching Jay play the Michael Scott to her mortified Pam tonight.

Jesus Shuttlesworth is in the repeat Zone, and that’s good enough for me. Kristen Bell is pretty attractive for a midge, and Morrissey and f-Craiggers get along like a house that’s not on fire. Good times. Oh, and the Kimmel lineup tain’t shabby neither.

ERECH: Jimmy seems to have 2 good nights in a row, I’m a little shocked. Barkley is great, Apatow is mildly interesting and sometimes funny, and Lyrics Born is about as great a hip hop act as you’re gonna find on a mainstream talk show, so there you go. Too bad you’re gonna have to sit through like 7 Guillermo skits, and 2 Uncle Frank bits before you get to the good stuff. It’s like a poop-flavored Tootsie Pop I guess.

That Conan, while a rerun, is actually a really good one, so check it if you missed it first time around. Here’s a hint, Martin Short =’s more funny than annoying tonight - I swear.

Winner of the night is gonna be Craiggers though, him and Kristen Bell get along like peas in a pod - and it doesn’t hurt that she is so easy on the eyes either. Mmm hmmm. The rest of the show is a wash though, Kate Hudson’s little brother and then Morrissey? No thanks. Bell and Fergs though, that’s where it’s at.

So there you have it folks, a somewhat decent week of late night, brought to you in another especially great column of LNT! Hey, Stephan & Erech are as humble as the next guy, but there’s nothing wrong with having some pride, and knowing when you’re on top. And lets face it, they’re on top of the late night commentary game - who else even compares? So keep the votes for Hall of Fame Guests coming in, keep sending free samples of shampoo, and don’t forget - more cocaine.

* - This rant in no way serves as an endorsement by or from LNT and our respective staff for the Harold & Kumar franchise of films and products. In all likelihood that sequel is going to stink something awful, and you know they’re just gonna run that Doogie Howser thing right into the ground even worse this time around, yeah? And did you see The Namesake? Kal Penn - serious actor you are not, ouch. Still though, we’re just saying, it’s kinda messed up is all.

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