Week 23.

Don’t worry, we’re still tabulating Hall of Fame blah, blah, blah, but there’s a giant debate rending our fine country in twain, and it’s LNT’s turn to take a shot at it.

Yes, just like all of you, we don’t care about the Presidential race. The race has been way too long, none of the things being promised are going to get done. Who cares? We’re going to have a black dude or a lady president not because they’ve earned anything, but because we as people don’t care anymore. So, let’s not talk about that anymore.

Both Deschanel sisters are out selling whatever it is they’re out selling, and we here at LNT HQ are willing to delve into the debate. Emily is the older sister, probably. We have no idea and there is no scientific way to know something like that. But, we’re going to assume that Emily is older. So that’s a point. We also can’t tell them apart physically, so this debate is going to have to come down to IMDb biography/trivia.

Wait, THE Jimmi Simpson? Liam McPoyle, Jimmi Simpson? Lyle the Intern, Jimmi Simpson?

Game Over, and this one wasn’t even close. We thought it was all Z, but the golden rule surfaced and trumped the day for Emily. Just remember kids, it doesn’t matter how bad your resume is as long as you have famous friends to coattail on. Or at the very least, friends that Stephan & Erech like. Yay Emily!

Speaking of yay, this is what we want for the Hall of Fame:

Now on with the show!

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Helen Hunt, Gov. Bobby Jindal, Duffy
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Gwyneth Paltrow, Richard Lewis, the Roots w/ Chrisette Michele
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Marisa Tomei, Anthony Anderson, Santogold
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ewan McGregor, Morrissey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Randy Jackson, Julie Bowen, Back Door Slam

STEPHAN: Dave is good. Surprising right? You were all going to watch it anyways, and you don’t need me to tell you about it. Everything else, though? Yeesh. Randy Jackson is still out promoting mediocrity, but if you sit through that you get to hear Julie Bowen shill for the Ed DVD releases (shilling has never been so cute however). That’s right all four seasons are being released at the same time. Unfortunately, the MSRP has been raised to $279.99 per season, but the cases still interlock to make the town of Stuckeyville, and that’s pretty awesome. They didn’t allow us to take pictures at the prototype unveiling (still hashing out some music clearance issues was the rumor at the time), but I think this Invader ZIM DVD case is a pretty accurate representation.

ERECH: First off, looks like Leno has a pretty bad week overall. While he has a few good guests sprinkled in there, most of the time will be dominated by the likes of your Dr. Phils, your Robin Williams, some Jesse “the bodies” and other various obnoxious people who oxygen is being wasted on. Therefore, this is the last I’ll speak of Leno this week, but to say that Jindal could probably be doing about a million more productive and meaningful things right now than showing up on Leno’s couch to goof around. Disgusting.

Dave has a great show tonight, Gwyneth is lovely and always has a funny story or two, Richard Lewis I can go either way on but I bet he’ll be fine tonight, and The Roots new album is pretty damn decent (early listen, one of the perks of being in “the biz” kids, sorry). Watch it.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dr. Phil McGraw, the Lopez family, Natasha Bedingfield
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Robert Downey Jr., Alicia Keys
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jeff Garlin, the Kills
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kathy Griffin, Emily Deschanel, Morrissey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - 7th eliminated celeb from “Dancing with the Stars”, Cinematic Orchestra

ERECH: Ok I said I wasn’t going to talk on Leno after yesterdays line-up, but seriously can we be done with Dr. Phil now? The Almighty Oprah is done with him, why aren’t we? He’s nestled into the bosom of America with his big dumb bald head, and his stupid yokel accent and good ol’ boy routine, just to try and put us off the scent of the truth - he’s a slimeball Maury Povich wanna-be SLASH talk show equivalent of an ambulance chaser. Seriously, if this guy was any more useless and untalented, he’d stop wearing underwear in public and maybe even put a danceclub album out too. Is the term Himbo still relevant? I mean seriously, Dr. Phil is like that lady that looks like a box of kitty litter who keeps letting more and more cats poop on her face just to get on the fringes of television, because she apparently cannot live without it (kitty litter, AND being on tv). Did you know that Gary Coleman is going to be on Divorce Court later this week? And what’s worse, why do I even know that? Talk about another guy who can’t just accept America doesn’t want to see him anymore. Coleman can’t stop putting himself on shows though, for the slight hopes he’ll get another sitcom out of it or something, no matter how low, awful and degrading each appearance may be. Do you know how little they pay guests on those judge shows anyways? (Answer: very.) And that’s where Dr. Phil is headed, if he isn’t already there. I know Stephan has a fondness for this boob being a guest on people’s couches, and sure, I like the fact that when he goes on Dave he pretty much just gets made fun of for the whole 11 minutes he’s there. I think the rest of the hosts in late night musta not paid attention to that part though, and think Dr. Phil is an actual good or coveted guest. He’s garbage, he’s fringe, and we all need to take a moment and ask ourselves if we really want to have another 30 years of this guy, because that’s how long Gary Coleman’s been around - and the only thing he had going for him is he’s short. At least with the femlebrity f-tards like the Simpson gals, Paris Hilton or whoever, there is a chance to occasionally see flesh, and probably more porn too. Does anyone really want to see any of that from Dr. Phil though? Get it the f&#k together America, I beg of you.

Oh, and f-Craiggers has lesser-Deschanel on tonight, but he makes up for it later in the week with Deschanel-proper (yes I know you thought this debate was settled, but apparently it rages on!).

STEPHAN: Remember, everyone, “lesser-Deschanel” isn’t in a boring musical outfit. Although that Bones show ain’t helping nothing. They should turn Angel back into a vampire and just do the show like that. There’s no way that would be worse. Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. into Alicia Keys is going to be great on the Olde Letterman Programme. Robert Downey Jr. is always great, but Dave and Paul will have some fun talking about how hot Alicia Keys is before she plays one of her “songs” for everybody. For someone so clearly talented, Keys can’t seem to find a hook to save her life.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Cindy McCain, Ed Helms, Augustana
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Matthew Broderick, Heidi Montag, Josh Groban
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Chef Gordon Ramsay, Feist
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeff Bridges, Valerie Edmond, Grand Archives
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Angie Harmon, Chef Adam Perry Lang, Def Leppard

STEPHAN: The rumortubes claim that Ed Helms is going to be starring in The Office (U.S.) spin-off. This could be great if he goes back to pre-anger management Andy, and boring if they keep everything the same. I will admit to being baffled by the idea of a spin-off anyways. There isn’t enough there for just the one show, how can they possibly do two shows? The show is called The Office, but every episode involves the characters not being in the office. You have to feel bad for that camera crew. They’ve been filming for this reality show for four years now, and they have to work crazy hours and get locked inside buildings (and wait alone until the security guard shows up), and the show still hasn’t aired anywhere.

You know what, I guess it’s better than spinning off characters from 30 Rock, not that the show isn’t funny enough to handle it, but it’s perfect now, and it’d be a shame to ruin that.

Incidentally, am I the only person who doesn’t get why Feist is so popular? Boring songs sung by an attractive enough Canadian with a weak voice? She sounds like the female Bryan Adams to me.

ERECH: The dichotomy of what a huge ass Ramsay is on all of his shows, vs how good of a cook he is and how great of a guest on talk shows as well, is pretty baffling. I guess Patton was right when he said four star chefs are all effin crazy. Plus there is a chance Conan will help him cook something, which also means booze - should be a good one.

The Iron Man blitz has begun. Monday with Gwyneth on Dave, last night RDJr on Dave, Terrence Howard on a few shows this week, and tonight with Bridges on Fergie. I’m not sure if I am sold on the movie, even though I gave a pass to all the IM toys here on Murdershow recently (my favorite is the Target Exclusive one!). I think the movie could go either way, and be way too snarky and inbred and put off the non-comic people, or just be your average run of the mill bad comic book Summer-type snooze. Also, I’m not so sure how I feel about the CGI stuff I’ve seen so far either. Some of it looks really awful, but most people are saying it looks better than the new Hulk movie, is that really a qualifier that anyone wants to brag about though? Really? Seriously?? Either way, Bridges is occasionally a fun if not serious guy, him and Craig should be fun to watch.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Robin Williams, Terrence Howard, Avril Lavigne
• The Late Show with David Letterman - John Goodman, Bear Grylls, Robyn
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Was Not Was
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Sigourney Weaver, Eric Mabius, She & Him
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Sean “Diddy” Combs, John Cho, Stone Temple Pilots

ERECH: Dan Connors is on Dave tonight, whoring for Speed Racer, which makes Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk both look like high art comparatively. Sheesh, it’s like 2 hours of Mario Kart, bad cgi, really bad acting, and Matthew Fox in fetish-leather. Oh yeah, and a monkey. Is there any way that this movie won’t be the Rollerball of 2008? (Answer: no.) I am curious to see how Goodman looks though, last time I saw him a few years back, the guy looked about knee-deep into a coronary, which would suck because I love the guy. Fat people, stop dying (except for you Ralphie May…).

Conan hadn’t finalized his line-up for tonight before we had to publish, but given the current guests and who all is in NY this week, I’d say we’re getting a model or possibly Iron Man himself as the A-guest, with a slight possibility of a Favreau or Christina Ricci appearance. Let’s see just how good I am at this LNT game, yeah?

STEPHAN: Since the current issue of Celebrities Making Boring Music just arrived, I can tell everyone that She & Him is Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward making boring music. Admittedly, M. Ward isn’t a celebrity, but that doesn’t make this any less boring. This is coming from a person who has seen every movie Zooey Deschanel has been in (this is absolutely not true, but I did see Mumford in a movie theater), so have fun sitting through that performance. I guess it doesn’t really matter, Dave’s lineup is a firestick, and everybody’s gonna be all wore out by the third act of f-Craiggers anyways.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Sally Field, Jesse Ventura, Sleepercar
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Patrick Dempsey, Isabella Rossellini, Nick Lowe
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Matthew Broderick, Michelle Monaghan, NASA contestant Brian Turner
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Helen Hunt, Kal Penn
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Terrence Howard, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, Estelle

STEPHAN: Michelle Monaghan has a pretty ridiculous resume for a B-guester on the Zone. She was in the best two movies of 2005, Constantine and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and she was just in Gone Baby Gone. Plus, she was in Perfume (although not the good Perfume) and on top of that, she’s married to one half of Conjectural Technologies.

Has Matthew Broderick done anything recently that would make him the A Guest over her? Whatever, on the other shows, Isabella Rosselini is great, but great enough to sit through an hour of Jay Leno? (No.) None of the other guests are really worth mentioning, so if you’re insistent on watching the television (TV) tonight, just go by host. Or screw it and get drunk and shout at the stars all night. The vast majority are long dead by the time you see the light they produced, so they can’t do anything to you anyways.

ERECH: Last word of the week, and I’m going to call The Late Late Show as winner tonight. Helen Hunt and Kal Penn, both mildly interesting and entertaining. Mildly. Further it with Craig ready for the weekend, fresh off his win at the correspondents dinner hosting gig this past weekend, and it’s a good sign. Speaking of the dinner, watch this:

(watch parts 2 and 3 too, the start of part 3 is especially great!)

Craiggers is on fire lately, who woulda thunk it?

Now is the time on LNT when Stephan & Erech would normally field your deluge of questions and emails, but it’s been a busy week here at the Thing HQ, so instead they’ll leave you with this reminder - send in more gifts. Sure, we like booze, but is that really a gift? It is if we’re in a bar and you’re a lady, but when you guys send us random bottles of hooch in the mail (highly illegal, but greatly appreciated for those that have) you’re not really buying us a drink, you’re mostly sending a message. We’re not sure what that message is, but it probably has something to do with loneliness, and heartache. And shame. Being lonely is a thing of the past though, because here at Late Night Thing, as long as you’ve got us, you’re never alone sweet interfriends! That said, Stephan & Erech want to taste your regional beverages, specifically your local beers. The gross, rotgut swill that passes for city pride in your local watering hole, the kind that you drink after a hard day at work and you’re light on the sawbucks. Yes, that’s right, it’s the official BUY LNT A BEER contest - with the winners chosen by a time-tested and specific tasting regimen known only by Russian Government Officials and New Jersey Crossing Guards. Tell us what your local beer is, and then send us a bottle or two for consideration in the contest - winners decided by Stephan & Erech personally! Get on it kids, the deadline will be announced in a coming episode of LNT, but know this - free beer is free beer, right?

LNT ARCHIVES