Week 24.

A flurry of ballots for the Hall of Fame this week, and we just don't have the manpower to get that done in time, so instead we're going to talk about the writer's strike and you. Specifically, the hard times immediately ahead. 30 Rock’s season finale is next week. Next week. That’s all we’re getting. It’s insanity itself. The best show on television and we’re only getting four post-strike episodes. The first round of the NBA playoffs ended this week. That’s not a proper show ending time. Unbelievable. Of course, NBC is also that network that thinks airing a half hour SNL Thursday Night Live is going to work, so maybe the sudden departure of our 30 Rock friends shouldn’t be a surprise. And, they did bring back Dirty Rock for a third season, so we got that going (which is nice).

Of course, no one is watching network television anymore anyways, so you still think the writer’s strike didn’t effect you. Well, let’s get into the summer movie schedule for a minute instead. Okay, Iron Man is probably the best comic book movie ever. That’s a given, and frankly that’s almost insulting. Iron Man is better than a comic book movie. That sounds a little better. Anyways, you’ve already seen it twice, you’ve stayed through the end credits and been just as excited both times. In fact, this weekend you’re going to get very, shall we say lifted, in the parking lot before watching it again. It’s going to be awesome (and that does actually sound awesome, though we here at LNTHQ, would like to encourage all the kids out there to stay off the drugs), but what are you going to go see the week after that, and the week after that? The threat of a strike helped push together one of the worst crops of summer movies ever. Let’s go through the list:

Prince Caspian: LOTR + Jesus + Subtle Racism - Peter Jackson = Still Too Long & Boring

Speed Racer: At least the Wachowski Brothers Whatever stayed true to the original by making a stupid, stupid cartoon of a movie.

What Happens in Vegas: If you feel the need to see this movie, please let us know. We may hate people in general, but in specific, we are capable of small feats of empathy, and if you hate yourself that much, we’d be glad to be your friend (at least until Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz go away).

Sex and the City: They might as well have made a sequel to From Justin to Kelly.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan: Is Adam Sandler gay? We never thought so (in fact, we never think about Adam Sandler at all), but now that he’s constantly making movies where he plays someone who’s totally gay, but really loves ladies, and especially young, super hot ladies, we’re starting to wonder. Don’t worry, we’re not wondering enough to ever see this. Remember that scene in Undeclared where Marshall tells Adam Sandler that he loved Billy Madison, but didn’t really like his new stuff, then Adam Sandler asks for Marshall to leave? That probably wasn’t fictional.

The Incredible Hulk: This was pretty good already, but don’t worry, Ed Norton has re-done it, and now the effects are even worse. Also, Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly have been replaced with Ed Norton and Liv Tyler (Double Downgrade!).

The Love Guru: Ugh. Just Ugh.

Meet Dave: Nobody loves Eddie Murphy more than us. Funny Eddie Murphy anyways. Unfunny Eddie Murphy only likes collecting trannies and paychecks, and while we can’t blame him, we also don’t want to see Unfunny Eddie Murphy keep making movies. Don’t worry though, Eddie Murphy seems to have spent so much time being Unfunny Eddie Murphy that he doesn’t remember how to do Funny Eddie Murphy. Hmm, maybe that is something you should worry about.

Mamma Mia!: This list was pretty terrible without a single terrible Broadway play adapted into a terrible movie. Now the list is extra terrible.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe: We want this to not exist. Hey, Chris Carter, thanks for reminding us how much time we, as a nation, wasted on your ultimately terrible show last decade. We’re already in a recession, we don’t need this too.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer: The first Mummy was fine. The next two were the same movie only worse. Then Van Helsing was the worst. Going from worst to worse is good(ish), but not really something to aspire towards.

Okay, there are probably going to be some winners this summer (other than the unnecessary Hulk, all the comic book movies look at least promising), but the rest of that? Yikes. It’s going to be a long summer, so you might want to get acquainted with out late night tv friends. They’ll be the only ones getting it done all summer long (We know NBC is going new programming all summer, but we’re hardly going to start counting American Gladiators as something that’s good.), so join us as we traipse through the daisies of entertainment hope for this week:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Robert Downey Jr., Carlos Mencia, Rascal Flatts
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jimmy Kimmel, Lance Burton, Jimmy Eat World
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Patricia Heaton, Katt Williams, Thrice
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Hugh Laurie, Michael Starr
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - America Ferrera, Priscilla Presley, Motley Crue

STEPHAN: Hugh Laurie on Craiggers (now that he’s appeared on Dave as an American, he’s finally taken over as the real Craiggers) should be something. If you think an Englishman won’t be making fun of a Scotsman for becoming American, then you don’t know enough about white people. Also, Michael Starr was in half of Ed, so that’s pretty good.

Oh, and Kimmel on Dave? That should be something. Yimmy has always been a better sidekick than host, and now that he’s done 1000 shows to prove it, he’s finally got that audition to be Dave’s #3 (Paul is #2 4 Life). Personally, I think no matter how good Young James is, Dave’s just messing with him, and doesn’t intend to hire him at all.

ERECH: Mencia seems to be Leno’s Amy Sedaris. That is, whenever they are in a scheduling pinch on The Tonight Show and either can’t fill a slot or had a last minute cancellation, much like Letterman does with Ms. Sedaris, Leno pulls the Mencia card. It’s actually very telling about what kind of guy Leno is and what sort of show he runs, too. And while I do tend to be pretty critical of the guy, I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong, and give credit where credit is due. I spent a good portion of last weeks LNT railing against Dr. Phil, and against my own advise, actually ended up watching that segment when it aired - and I gotta say, Leno brought the stuff. Dr. Phil is of course useless and awful, I’ve not changed my tune on that, but the interview ranged through a myriad of topical discussions, and Leno really did a great job of leaning it and making use of Dr. Phil who really wasn’t there for any reason at all anyways. And as much as Leno is likely to make an off-handed (and shockingly inappropriate!) Beavis & Butthead style boobie joke to someone like Julia Roberts, that sort of inability to police himself also plays to his favor sometimes as well when he says the sort of stuff most of us think but people on tv aren’t really saying. Going after Jeremiah Wright, the prosecution of those polygamists, and even bagging on Dr. Phil as well - right to his big dumb bald face. Jay Leno might not be great, and his show is pretty damn unbearable to watch usually, but sometimes he’s pretty damn ok.

Sometimes.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Julie Scardina and animals, Christina Ricci, KT Tunstall
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Ashton Kutcher, Mac King, Steve Winwood
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jason Lee, Galactic
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Goodman, Jason Aldean
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Robert Downey Jr., 8th eliminated Dancing with the Stars celeb, Lyfe Jennings

ERECH: Is this ventriloquist week on Letterman or something? Ashton Kutcher is not nearly as entertaining as he, and it seems, most of America thinks. And his pancake-faced co-star in What Happens in Vegas, Ms. Cameron Diaz falls into the same category as well. I mean, did you see The Holiday? If it wasn’t for the Kate Winslet/Jack Black side of the story, well, you know what comes next. I rant about some movie that wasn’t even that good to begin with and you probably barely remember ever watching anyways. And then after I finish taking a crap on some poor actor/tress career who know they’re just barely scraping by, I’ll end it all by saying you should just watch Craiggers instead. So lets just save ourselves some time and pretend that already all happened, and skip to the part where I say, despite how awful the main part of Vegas looks, it’s got a ton of really funny people in it otherwise. Jason Sudeikis, Andy Daly, Zatchy Galifiasnookas, Rob Corddry, Dennis “Thank God I left Law & Order when I did” Farina, and even Dennis Miller. Okay maybe not Miller. That’s a pretty weird cast though, and I’m mildly intrigued as to why they are all in this seeming pile of poo. That’s a lot of paycheck-grabbing either way.

Oh yeah, the whole point of that rant (before I got sidetracked by how bad The Holiday was and how baffled I still am by that cast in Vegas…) was going to get to the part where I said how much I used to like Steve Winwood when I was a kid, but I figure I’ve already taken up too much of your time so I’ll just pass the baton over to my esteemed co-host now.

Stephan?

STEPHAN: Um, writer’s strike?

I have no idea, but this might further explain why that movie should not have been made: “I’m doing SNL,” Kutcher said to [Cameron Diaz], sounding hyper. “You have to come out.” “Totally, that could be great,” said Diaz, who looked a little too tan, kind of orange in the office’s white light. “During the monologue, like, you could come on, where you’re thinking you’re hosting and I think I’m hosting,” Kutcher said. “Oh my god. That could be so funny.” Kutcher kept going. “Like, ‘Hi, I’m Cameron Diaz.’ And then I’m like, ‘Cameron, what are you doing?’” “I’m hosting Saturday Night Live,” she said, picking up the riff. “What are you doing?” “I’m hosting SNL.” “I’m hosting SNL.” Diaz threw her arms around Kutcher. “Oh my god, totally—we have to do it.” They kissed each other on the cheek. “Oh my God, totally–we have to do it.” (lovingly stolen from the The AV Club)

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Former President Jimmy Carter, Jon Favreau, P.O.D.
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Emile Hirsch, Tom Dreesen, Dirk Arthur
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Liam Neeson, BJ Novak, the Duke Spirit
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Felicity Huffman, Mike Doughty
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Christina Ricci, Mario Batali, Lil Mama

STEPHAN: I really enjoy the Duke Spirit. I also have trouble defending this stance. Yes, it is just white people “blues,” and yes, every song sounds pretty much the same. I guess I just like that sound then. Or something. Whatever, they’re good, but I completely understand you having no desire to listen to that. What if I mention that the lead singer is a super hot lady? Additionally, the rest of the band is equally hot, but they happen to be dudes instead. BJ Novak, on the other hand, is not particularly attractive, but he is funny. Of course, he has some serious explaining to do in regards to The Office. Season 2 of that show was great, but it’s been a steady decline to not-funny. The aesthetic that worked with the UK incarnation can’t possibly work in the American one, but they’re willing to try it out anyways. David Brent got fired in 12 episodes. We’re at 70+ and Michael Scott, who’s been just as bad of a boss not only still has his job, but he hasn’t even come close to being fired, even though he hit one of his employees with his car breaking her hip, and then insulted her in the hospital. Don’t worry though, just like a real person, she didn’t sue him. Oh wait, that’s the opposite of a real person. Did I mention the show wants us to believe that it is a documentary?

We’ve watched Michael Scott not only not know how to manage a business, but also kidnap someone on camera, with no negative repercussions at all. This was filmed for a show that is apparently never airing, ever. That poor camera crew is not only in the office all day, but has to follow everyone around at night, and the footage they’re collecting has yet to see the light of day because the second it does, Michael Scott is fired and the show is over. Awesome. What a great conceit for a show.

That being said (and I’m including the additional five paragraphs I wrote and then deleted because they reflected badly on me as a person), BJ Novak, the person, is funny. Oh, and Mario Batali is great, so if you need something to do tonight, middle of Kimmel should be fantastic.

ERECH: Since Stephan already covered how awful most of Conan will be tonight in 7000 words or less, I guess that leaves me to talk about Leno. Again. Jimmy Carter’s great, one of the greats, and it’s pretty sad to see him on here in front of a boob like Favreau (although a successful boob given this weekends Iron Man grosses) and the horrible audio-vomit that is P.O.D. Which A&R thought it’d be a good idea to sign a rock/rap/christian/metal/skate/ska band to a record deal? Probably nice enough guys, but aren’t we done with this stuff yet? What’s next, a Limp Bizkit return (it’s inevitable, so don’t try and blame me when it DOES happen)? And that they’ve appeared on Leno twice in the last 3 weeks is even more disturbing, I mean, who is even listening to this when there’s a new Roots album out? So to sum it up, I guess it’s just unfortunate that Carter is on Leno instead of Letterman, where he belongs.

Watch, next week I’ll come on here and say how great an interview Leno ran with this tonight though, and have to eat my hat. Again.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jenna Fischer, Robert Schimmel, Trace Adkins
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Paris Hilton, Steve Wyrick, Panic at the Disco
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Emile Hirsch
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Emily Deschanel, Melvin Lardy of “Ax Men”
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ashton Kutcher, Isabella Rossellini, Gavin Degraw

ERECH: I didn’t come anywhere close to guessing last Thursday’s guest list on Conan, so maybe I’ll do better this week since Late Night can’t seem to fully book for this night anymore. Clearly, Emile Hirsch (daughter of Taxi’s own Judd) won’t be the only person on the couch tonight, and probably not even the A-guest either, she just doesn’t have the chops. Since that Vegas movie opens tomorrow, I’m going to say we might get ol’ pieface herself, Cameron Diaz. OR I’m going to guess again with Christina Ricci. Or worst comes to worst, Marcia Cross. I should hedge my bets with a Brian Williams or Al Roker, but I’m playing it dangerous. My best guess for musical act - Steve Winwood. Let’s roll the dice now kids, and see if I do better this time around, yeah?

And oh hey, look! Craiggers has lesser-Deschanel - again! The debate rages on…

STEPHAN: Lesser-Deschanel, or Friend of Lyle the Intern-Deschanel? That’s what I thought (although I did have to look at last week’s because I still can’t tell the Deschanel sisters apart). Also, you’re all welcome for us not running the original commentary for that Deschanel discussion, by the way. Let’s just 0say what actually inspired that debate was some specific internet “commentary,” and not the ridiculous IMDb stuff we actually used. The original inspiration could best be summed up with a Gareth quote, “Lesbians. Sisters probably, I’m just watching.” So there, all you whiners, just because we’re misanthropes, doesn’t make us mysogynists. Our stuff could have been substantially more repugnant, instead of the delightfully witty and refined prose you were subjected to, gentle reader. Also, I would like to point out that Erech made some fantastic graphics. Oh, and Dave could be a real winner tonight. That lineup is so bad, he might revert into old angry man Dave, and we all win when that guy shows up.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Harrison Ford, William Moseley, Carly Simon
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Barbara Walters, Penn & Teller
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Seth Meyers, Sophia Bush, Tokio Hotel
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Rachel Griffiths, Christopher Gorham
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Alex Trebek, Ludo

STEPHAN: Talk about demographics. If we are to assume that everyone’s guests reflect their shows’ intended demographics, then this is indeed a banner evening. Letterman is reaching for the 60 year old and up black congressmen market tonight while Conan is headed for a visit from Chris Hansen. Yikes. Nobody older than 12 enjoys Seth Meyers or Tokio Hotel (or purposeful misspelling) in any capacity, and nobody older than 12 enjoys Sophia Bush acting (although the >12 crowd does enjoy imagining her clothing disintegrating). Craiggers demo is people with refined taste who enjoy witty repartee (and some guy from Ugly Betty, I guess), while Yimmy is aiming solely for people who don’t like and don’t watch television. Leno is, of course, the soulless corporate shill and, as always, his lineup bares that out (if you have another answer for Carly Simon being a musical guest in 2008, let us know).

ERECH: If you want to see Jay Leno thiiiiiiiiiiiis close to getting punched directly in his face, watch The Tonight Show tonight. Harrison Ford usually appears to hate any talk show appearance he has to do, but Leno especially. He cringes, he looks at Jay sometimes too like Jay is purely the dumbest man in the world. And Jay even once made a crack while Ford was on schilling for that awful Hollywood Homicide flick about what it would be like if his co-star Josh Hartnett dated his then underaged daughter. It was shocking and damn near led to a beating, I swear it, it was soooo close. So again, I say tune-in tonight, to see the odds increase on Leno finally taking one on the jaw (RIMSHOT!).

Conan has one of the least funny men in America on tonight, who has somehow garnered the job of being Head Writer for a show considered by some home to the funniest people on television. How unwieldy was that sentence, yikes, and here I am trying to make fun of Seth Meyers? How dare I! Let’s just end tonight with a snort and some Tokio Hotel, ok?

And with that, Late Night Thing is going to call this column over. Was it better than some? Sure. Worse than others? Maybe. Just about par for Stephan & Erech though, right? No need to say it, just nod your head and we’ll keep on pretending to care. So until next week, enjoy the archives!

LNT ARCHIVES