25 WEEKS!

No.

Nope, we’re just not ready to talk about it yet.

The intro will be back next week, ready to talk about it, we promise.

We are still ready to talk about the who you should be watching this week though:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jack Black, Clay Aiken
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Stupid Pet Tricks, Shia LaBeouf, N.E.R.D.
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jimmy Fallon, William Shatner, Gary Vaynerchuk
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Stamos, Judith Smith-Levin, Jaymay
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Robert Downey Jr., “Dancing with the Stars” castoff Mario, Lyfe Jennings

STEPHAN: There was a point in time when I’d have been super stoked that Jack Black was doing anything, let alone being the A Guest on Leno. That time has faded into Bolivian. Shia LeBouef was in Constantine, but then he was in Transformers, so that’s a wash, but he’s talk show funny enough that he should be good on Dave. John Stamos and Craig should be good, Craig has never been against making good looking people uncomfortable, and that’s something we can all enjoy. Iron Man is so good, that I’m thinking about actually watching Kimmel tonight.

I know we’re supposed to, and objectively I should, but I don’t hate Jimmy Fallon. Is not hating someone enough to give them their own hour long show? (No.) I’m hoping Erech has some prelim thoughts.

ERECH: John Stamos and the mom from Who’s The Boss are on The Late Late Show tonight, I understand why Stamos is (ER finale this week) but I’ve got no idea why Smith-Levin is. Maybe that explains why Tony Danza is on Dave later in the week, a possible Boss reunion in the works? HAPPY TIMES!

The Kimmel rerun from last week is pretty damn good and OH WHO AM I KIDDING?! I can’t let this go. Sure, we were invited to the press conference today, but do you think we were gonna come out of our own pockets to fly in and watch Lorne Michaels fat smug face, as he spearheads what is undoubtedly going to be the least liked talk show on the networks (and this is on the network that ALREADY has given Carson Daly a show)?! And yes, we’ve known for some months that this was GOING to happen, not might, but that it was a lock - and we kept our mouths mostly shut, hoping it might not, and even offereing alternatives (which I’ve apologized innumerable times for the Spike Feresten suggestion - I was just trying to play it safe and think “corporate” on it.) for people to ponder over. Our Late Night Living with Amy Sedaris pitch was taken especially well and still might happen at some point, yay! Look, I’m with Stephan (not like THAT! ok, probably a little like that, if you must know…), I don’t hate Fallon either, far from it in fact. During his SNL run, he wasn’t my favorite, or even my 5th favorite, but looking back (thanks to the magic of The Best of Jimmy Fallon dvd) I’ve grown to appreciate him now a lot more than I ever did then. Especially compared to the toilet the show’s flushed itself down in recent years, right? But just because I don’t hate the guy, or even not hate him as much as I would have hated Late Night with Carlos Mencia, doesn’t mean that I’m going to like Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Just say that again, out loud. Why is ALLLLLLL of America the only ones who get it, when the 4 or 5 guys with money still don’t?

He doesn’t have this, he didn’t earn this. The comedy community knows, and not just because we’re all jealous that we don’t get to be the _________ (fat, black, hispanic, tall, nerdy, gay, “asian?” etc) cast member who’s not ready for prime time, but because we all know this is a bad play.

Devil’s advocate will say nobody liked the changes back in ‘93, and that Lorne had a hand in giving us the Late Night host then , and that turned out more than all right didn’t it?

I counter with two-words - Carson Daly. NBC thought that was a good idea too, and that’s turned out to be far, far away from the lovely town of all right.

Look, we’re willing to give the show a shot, and because we’re insomniacs, if it’s on long enough -damnit- we’ll probably even grow accustomed to and seek it out. Or, maybe the opposite. But what it comes down to is this - a missed opportunity. Wherever Jay Leno lands after NBC, he’s going to keep kicking Dave’s ass in the ratings each night, and oh guess what, then he’ll get to kick Conan’s ass every night then too. This is almost guaranteed. So NBC had a shot here to do something interesting, and different, and brave. Who in America couldn’t think of 10 people without even trying that would be a better fit, and even sound more interesting/funny/likable/good/better/great? Instead, NBC just towed their own weird company line again, and played the easy card. The boring card. And dare I say it, the unfunny one too.

Unless stumbling through your unconvincing “talk show host” character and laughing at your own jokes for 25 minutes every night for the next whatever, 30 years, is somehow now considered funny.

Finally, I’m just gonna do it, because everybody else on the internet is, and we’re nothing short of sheep here at LNT - but go rent it. Just do it.

Yikes.

Oh yeah, and Denny Crane is on Conan after that, should be good. Watch it!

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Evangeline Lilly, Ben Barnes, Switchfoot
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Regis Philbin, Laura Dern, Death Cab for Cutie
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Steve Carell, Alyson Hannigan, Duffy
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Cusack, Parminder Nagra
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Spade, Jean Smart, Ashlee Simpson

ERECH: Flashback Island must be gearing up for it’s season finale, although nobody here at LNT HQ would ever know it (pssst - it’s because it’s awful!). So prepare to get inundated with cast members from the show all week on the programs, whoring for I guess the only successful show television has had this whole entire decade (how sad is it that that’s almost practically true?). Although in fairness, Evangeline Lilly is really purdy, and even kinda funny too. Purdy or funny enough to watch Leno (pssst - the answer is no!)?

Craiggers has a hell of a show tonight. Starting things off with John “Botox was a bad idea” Cusack, and then bringing in Parminder Nagra of ER and Bend if like Beckham fame after that. Neither of them have anything in common with one another, no matter how hard I scoured the tubes and that IMDb’s trying to find a link for a funny anecdote. So instead of being helpful and informative, I’ve just left you all there with nothing. Still, it should be a fun show, so I say thumbs up, if nothing else.

STEPHAN: Evangeline Lilly is the kind of person I wish was one of my neighbors. She’s very attractive and she seems awesome, but she’s just cracked enough that I’m willing to bet being in an actual relationship with her would be torture. However, just saying hello in the hallway or running into her at a bar and catching up and drunkenly hating on your other neighbors together for 10 minutes (maybe 15) before wandering away would be great. Her being on a talk show for 7 minutes is the next best thing, and tonight we all get to enjoy that, even if we have to pretend we care about Flashback Island. Of course, Dave’s got a pretty stellar lineup as well. Regis may not be as physically attractive as Lilly, but he’s at least as awesome. Also, Laura Dern was in Wild at Heart and Jurassic Park so no matter what you’re into, you’ll probably enjoy her talking about stuff.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Rainn Wilson, Howard Dean, Kate Nash
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jack Hanna, Kid Rock
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Gene Hackman, the Black Keys
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Tony Danza, Maura Tierney
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Evangeline Lilly, Ben Barnes, Joe Jackson

STEPHAN: Jungle Jack Hanna and Dave pretending to care about Kid Rock? That’s a winner over in Late Show World. In other Worldwide Pants news, how did Tony Danza get the A spot above Maura Tierney? Maura Tierney was in Newsradio (where she was the hottest lady on television 3 years in a row) and she’s done a bunch of movies and she’s on some other show now too. Tony Danza was on a stupid show in the 80s and has done nothing since. Seriously. Look at his IMDb’s. He’s in Chris Penn’s last movie, and he played a wedding planner on one episode of a soap opera 3 years ago. He shouldn’t even be the A guest on Spike Ferensten’s eyerape of a show. We might have to take Craiggers’ nickname away. The REAL Craiggers would have spent 20 minutes hitting on Maura Tierney and then 4 minutes telling Tony Danza a story about playing basketball with the Timberwolves because he doesn’t care who Tony Danza is.

ERECH: Man do I miss me some Yambo.

Hopefully Gene Hackman is on Conan tonight to tell us all that the rumors of his retirement from acting are incorrect, and that he’ll be starring in the next Brandon Routh Superman film due out in 2010. Can you imagine how great that would be? And think of all the heavy stuff they could CGI for Supes to carry around in this one! What about an entire train? Like one with 20 or more passenger cars. Or how about a building that’s falling over? Like as Superman is trying to push the building back into place, he could be zipping around at sooper-dooper speed catching all the various bricks and peices of glass and what have you that are falling off! Or even better, dinosaurs. If you could work dinosaurs into any movie in this day and age that isn’t directed by Peter Jackson, a sequel to Jurassic Park, or simply called Dinosaurs (the movie), Superman Returns Again is the movie.

Oh Gene Hackman, please don’t leave us. Do you see what we’re left with here? “Genius” David Mamet just remade No Retreat, No Surrender AND NOBODY F&@#ING CALLED HIM ON IT EITHER! Isn’t this guy supposed to be good or something? Speaking of good, remember when they used to let LL Cool J do stuff (I’m including music in the catch-all of “stuff”, too)? I mean, the guy is only 40-something, right? I guess Tyler Perry and Eddie Murphy are the only black people making movies any more though, sorry James.

I hate you, Hollywoods.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dana Delany, Hulk Hogan, Dwight Yoakam
• The Late Show with David Letterman - America Ferrera, Russell Brand, Terry Fator
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Carlos Mencia, MGMT
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - David Boreanaz, Carrot Top
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Josh Holloway, Brad Williams, Dierks Bentley

ERECH: I’m 95 percent sure that Fergie’s line-up tonight is a joke. If it’s not, then I’m 99 percent sure that it’s a direct and personal attack on Stephan & I for our various comments about the talent producer’s on the various late night shows we review. And for that, I’ll simply say - how dare you.

Conan ain’t battin’ much better tonight either. And oh, look, it’s Thursday, and you know what that means at Studio 6A right? Apparently Thursdays are the black hole night of talent here, as lately they’re never fully booked until after we go to press - and hey, we can push the edit button since we’re on the tubes, what do you think this does to poor TV Guide and its weekly printing schedule though? So as usual, since we’re not getting the full line-up, I guess it’s my turn to take a stab and guess who the other guest are going to be (I’m 0 for 2, but I’m feeling lucky today)! Since Ned Holness here is probably going to be the A-guest, and MGMT will shake their beans-n-franks as they make the muzaks, I guess I have to find a B-guest who is less famous than Mencia but also more interesting. The latter is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the former causes problems when you factor them both together. That leaves us with the possibility of an ex-musician/current actor type, your Kris Kristofersons and Tom Waits. Or your couch fillers, like a Rhea Perlman or a Mikey Dudikoff. If I have to put hard money down on it though, I’m going to take a swing and hope that Tom Arnold gets me to the fences - cross your fingers everyone!

STEPHAN: Dana Delaney is still alive? Good for her. Unless she’s on promoting a new reality show or something. Then she should climb back into the houseboat fire I thought killed her 13 years ago. The rest of these people could do the same. Well, David Boreanaz seems all right. He could probably help me move my fish tank or whatever other heavy objects I need to move, and then we could talk about the one time he got to meet Lyle the Intern cuz that’s a great story. What is it with Thursday though? Is everyone out drinking or are they just so worn down by the week, that they’ll watch boring people they don’t like talk about themselves? I feel bad for everyone. How about on Thursday instead of just giving up you all watch this trailer for Visioneers again:

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Matthew Fox, Kathleen Edwards
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Teri Hatcher, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - John Cena, Everest
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Reba McEntire, Vinnie Jones
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Kate Nash

STEPHAN: I am very much looking forward to Vinnie Jones on Craiggers.

Hooray for the UK! Those guys know how to get it done. Or something. Even if Vinnie doesn’t end up with a firm grasp of Craiggers bangers and mash, it should still be an entertaining interview. Possibly.

Jimmy Kimmel is actively trying to alienate his audience and going with the boring gay guy lineup tonight. I guess Kate Nash might just be a cross dresser, which I’m told doesn’t necessarily make him gay. It also doesn’t make him interesting. Gays are supposed to flamboyant and dramatic, not boring and talentless. Boo Jimmy!

ERECH: John Cena and Conan always equal comedy bronze, so looking over the list of tonight’s schlubs, I’d say go with The Zone. I mean, it’s either that or watching Teri Snatcher push on about that horrible show she’s on (which also happens to be the only other successful show on network television this decade - kill me now.). Or that trifecta of fail over at the Kimmels - yikes!

Yeah, it never fails, and even though we’re probably only going to be able to say this for about another year - when in doubt, go with Conze.

Well there you have it, folks. That was another glaring example of how to preemptively review a television show with the impudence of a novice but the skills of a master - Stephan and Erech are like the ninjas of late night. Sure, sometimes they’ll have to kill people who get in their way (Oh, like you didn’t know you had it coming David Duchovny), but it’s never personal - always business! In the dog-eat-dog world of late night television, nobody is safe, and yet everybody is safe at the same time. And speaking of safe, Stephan and Erech were recently mailed some court documents notifying them of a limited time allowable exemption on all alcohol shipments bearing the Late Night Thing address - that’s right everyone, for the following 6 weeks you are legally allowed to send 2 (two) bottles of beer (as long as you use the official LNT mailing label) to LNT HQ! Which is perfect timing, considering we are into week 3 of our TASTE OUR LOCAL SWILL contest - where you the reader send the boys of LNT your favorite local beers that nobody has ever heard of. None of that Coors or MGD stuff, mind you, strictly local only.

So get those bottles in to the LNT corporate office while you can, and they’ll sort out the rest:

LNT
c/o Stephan & Erech
Late Night Thing Blvd
Suite 213
Hollywood, Ca. 90038

THE OFFICIAL LNT ARCHIVES