26th Week.

Half a year and we’re finally ready to talk about the Fallon Situation. Yes, we are a little disappointed. No offense to James, but we don’t really need another mediocre white guy late night show. We know the networks aren’t known for taking chances, but with ratings down across the board, isn’t not taking a chance, the real taking a chance? (Yes.)

But, that’s the choice we have to live with, so what do we do now? Well, we don’t do anything, the onus isn’t on us. But we don’t like television. We LOVE it, and since we’re going to have to play with James, we have some advice for him.

#1: Horatio Sanz needs to be the sidekick. Yes, they were not good together on SNL, at all. However, Horatio is great when he’s in UCB territory and a live show that needs 44 minutes of content each week means that UCB Horatio is going to be showing up a lot and that’s a win for everyone. Plus, nobody else has a sidekick anymore, and that’s a shame. The Zone was the best when he had Andy beside him, and he had someone to help out while he was still learning the ropes.

(okay, that clip has no Horatio in it, but it’s a great clip, and none of the funny Horatio stuff is on the Youtubes, but it does exist, we promise)

#2: Writers are the most important part of the show. Look at who Conan had/has: Louis C.K., DINO!, Tommy Blacha, Robert Smigel, Bob Odenkirk, Janine Ditullio, Jon Glaser, Demetri Martin, Andy Blitz, Brian Stack, Brian McCann, and Allison Silverman. That’s a ridiculous lineup, and that’s the secret sauce that makes the show great.

#3: Stay in NY. Conan is moving to LA, so there’s a great opportunity in the Big Apple. Horatio can bring in funny people from the Big Boy UCB and that’s a huge advantage. A cohesive writing staff sets a tone from the beginning that will lessen the growing pains.

#4: Don’t start giggling. Every person complaining about The James Show complains about the giggling. Take away the giggling, and people will only be able to complain about the content of the show. (That’s not true, they’ll still be complaining about the giggling, but they weren’t going to watch anyways.)

That’s it, and it’s pretty simple. This may not be what we wanted, but it could be worse (Carson Daly). Anyways, keep on reading and enjoy counting down to the end of Leno with us (we’re now under 13 months):

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Simon Cowell, Rob Schneider, Josh Groban
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kevin Spacey, Sen. Jim Webb, Sara Bareilles
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kevin Nealon, Mary McCormack, Devotchka
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Valerie Bertinelli, Paulina Porizkova, Estelle
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ashton Kutcher, Isabella Rossellini, Gavin Degraw

STEPHAN: Isabella Rossellini is into insect reproduction, and I’m into Isabella Rossellini being into anything so I’m going to be watching the middle of Yimmy. On the other shows, both Kevins should be good, and Craiggers has the Hot Chicks Murderer’s Row (not literally, of course, that wouldn’t work) from 1985 going. I have no idea if Craiggers bought a time machine or if he just replaced his booker with his boner, but either way, it’ll be something.

ERECH: Spacey is gonna be on the programs this week, humping for this new MADE. FOR. TV. movie Recount, which is the story of the 2000 Presidential election nonsense. Read that again, MADE. FOR. TV. Now Kev here hasn’t had a great run of movies lately, but he’s been in some of the greatest movies in the last 20 years, right? Although I guess these sort of soapbox thinky “pictures” (that’s what real actors call movies when they’re only going to be shown on the teevee.) don’t get nearly as much play as they would on cable, USA, HBO, whatever. Still, it’s kind of sad. Anyways, he’s on Dave tonight, and they are both extremely smart and funny alone, so just imagine the combo power of SMUMMY (that’s smart + funny, get it?!) we’re gonna get here?

This Yimmy rerun from a week or so back is mostly a snooze, but Isabella Rossellini shows up with this clip from some bizarre like Oxygen or Lifetime documentary about sex or something, and it is the most insane “free theater in the park” looking nonsense I’ve ever seen. I’m going to have to rewatch her segment tonight just to make sure I either didn’t for one imagine the whole thing, or two make sure it wasn’t all just some goof ala I’M BLEEPING Matt Damon and I just didn’t catch it. Other than that though, this episode was a snooze, so skip it the second time around.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Sylvester Stallone, Irma & Ray Ziff, Jason Mraz
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Harrison Ford, Ali Lohan, Leona Lewis
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Denis Leary, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Mates of State
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - A.J. Buckley
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Matthew Fox, “Dancing with the Stars” winner, Pussycat Dolls

ERECH: Leno’s famous people portion of the programme tonight is about as bad as it comes, that is unless Sly is here to tell us he’s making a sequel to Over The Top (ooooooh, can you imagine? YIKES). However, in the B slot tonight are Irma & Ray Ziff, and before you scream “WHO?!” at your monitor, I’m gonna tell you that they’re just a couple of regular folks who’ve only been married for 75 years. “And that gets them on The Tonight Show?!” you’ll ask, and I’ll counter, YES. These are the best kinds of guests for Leno, the regular folks, the little old ladies, the Betty Crocker Cook-off winners etc, this is one thing Jay is really good at. Plus, since he’s really slimy and dirty, it’s also worth a few chuckles to see Jay make some kind of penis innuendo to a 95 year old lady, that’s some good tv! So skip the first 24 minutes, and then skip the last 7 too, but if you want to see some genuine laughs and get a little warmth in your heart, tune in to the middle 8.

Let me sum up tonight’s Conan interview with Leary in 3 points. Hockey, Boston, Firemen with a slight chance of another 9/11 reference. Wash, rinse, repeat.

STEPHAN: I would absolutely watch an Over the Top sequel IN THE THEATER. And I hate being around other people, so that’s really saying something. Plus, Stallone is brimming with steroids and HGH, so he could even play any or all of the parts. Reprising Marion Cobretti would also be acceptable.

If you love dudes being all high on TV then Matthew Fox on Kimmel will not let you down. I would guess Harrison Ford on Dave won’t let you down either, but he just might not care, which is a little different. Still pretty good though.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Adam Sandler, Hilary Duff, Al Green
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Jimmy Buffett
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Harrison Ford, Eric McCormack, Atmosphere
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Laura Dern, k.d. lang
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Josh Groban, Kat Von D, the Kooks

STEPHAN: Atmosphere, just a 10 letter word, discretion is the color of my cement-feathered bird. I could go on, but I think that that incarnation of Atmosphere is dead, so that would just be depressing for both of us. Slug and Ant (with a huge assist from Spawn) used to bring all sorts of thunder, but now it’s pretty much just Slug whining about stuff. Of course, any kind of emotion is a good balance to Harrison Ford’s diminished emotional response. Kristin Davis is always good on Dave, so that’ll give you something to do before the extremes of human experience that is the Zone tonight.

ERECH: It’s weird seeing Harrison pushing for the new Indiana Jones flick so hard. Makes me think all the reports that it’s a total stinker must be true. I mean, Harrison was actually laughing and goofing around and VISIBLY DRUNK when he was on Leno last week. That’s not a good sign at all. That’s a shame, waited almost 20 years for this sequel, and instead we get Shia LeBeoauieauf instead. Then we get Will & Grace (I dunno which one is which, you’ll have to figure that one yourself), and then Atmosphere as the musical guest. That’s actually gonna be a good show, maybe even great, so get in to The Zone, damnit.

And I know that it would be easy to, and I bet you even thought we were going to, but we’re just not going to acknowledge the new Adam Sandler movie at all. At. All.

And neither should you.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Laura & Jenna Bush, “American Idol” winner, Tristan Prettyman
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sarah Jessica Parker, Republic Tigers
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kevin Spacey
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Steven Wright
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Johnny Knoxville, Death Cab for Cutie

ERECH: It’s Thursday, and you know what that means - yep, time for me to pick the B and C guests on Conan! Seriously, they never have their line-up set for Thursdays anymore, it’s been like this for months. I bet the schlubs over at TV Guide just rip out their hair over this every week, and just have to use the default screw you label of “All New”. Anyways, let’s see, Kevin Spacey is in the A slot for sure, so we need a bad tv celeb, maybe someone from something like The Hills, or a Tyra Banks. Tonight feels like it might be a comedian night too, instead of having the usual musical guest, so maybe a Jeff Dunham or an Amazing Jonathan? Ok here we go, after Kevin Spacey we’re gonna have… DUN DUN DUN - Sinbad! That’s right, and he’ll cover as not just the B but then fade into the C slot to do a couple minutes of material, old material mind you where he talks about how white people walk like this but brotha’s walk like THIS, etc. And who wouldn’t want to see that tonight (pssst - the answer besides the obvious “everyone” is Todd Glass & Jimmy Dore, but everyone is still equally as acceptable)?

I’m like 0 for 4, so lets hope this is the week that turns it all around!

STEPHAN: An hour of Steven Wright and Craiggers is something to look forward to, even if it’s only a lesson in disappointment when some lady from CSI: Nebrahoma and that kid from the Charlie Sheen Show eat up 95% of the talk time. Stupid Thursdays. At least Ben Gibbard and company are getting some airtime. last I heard Wawa Records had some serious legal bills to pay.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Terry Bradshaw, Colbie Caillat, Ray Sanders
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Liv Tyler, Tommy Johnagin
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kristin Davis, Ira Glass, Ryan Bingham
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Richard Lewis, Tricia Helfer, Duffy
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Shia LaBeouf, Elizabeth Berkley, Neil Diamond

STEPHAN: Did the strike start up again? Cobie Caillat, Ray Sanders, Tommmy Johnagin, Ryan Bingham, Neil Diamond? Was I in a coma, and this is the most boring version of Memento possible? This is probably a good night to go out drinking.

ERECH: Bradshaw and Leno are a good combo, strange, but good. I don’t know who any of those other people are tonight though, so I’m gonna say skip The Tonight Show tonight.

Craiggers is going to be ok tonight, I think, if you can stomach the anxiety attack that watching Richard Lewis is going to cause you. Seriously, as Americans, we should all send this guy a bill for the mental anguish he’s caused up by watching him on the telly the last 20-something years. It’s like watching an old person fall down, or a baby hitting a man in the groin, almost as painful to view as if it had actually happened to you. However, after that is Hugh Hefner’s daughter, and then one of the guys from Guns N Roses is on. Top notch show tonight!

And with that slew of lies and half-hearted promotion, we bring to close this weeks episode of Late Night Thing. Stephan & Erech would just like to thank everyone who have already sent in beer for the LNT Local Swill contest, and remind everyone else that they’re still taking entries. Although since the beer started coming in, LNT has really started to take a dip in quality, hasn’t it? So maybe the next contest around these here parts will be the SEND US CASES OF REDBULL. Or probably just cocaine.

ON TO THE LNT ARCHIVES