Week 27.

It’s rerun week in the Late Night ‘Verse, so we’re not going to trot out anything new here either. In fact, the intro this week is a just a list of shows that you might consider giving some time next year:

Reaper: Okay, so it has Kevin Smith’s name attached to it, and we’re not pleased about that either. The pilot episode that Big Kev directed is one of the worst episodes of the series, and the show does get better as it goes. It’s not the best thing in the world, and we totally understand if you don’t even want to give it a go, but if you’re looking to waste a half hour a week next year, you could certainly do worse.

The Goode Family: This show is going to get canceled within a month, so if you plan on giving it a shot, you may want to start watching it right away. C’mon, it’s Mike Judge and it’s a cartoon, what more can you ask for?

The New Adventures of Old Christine: We will endorse any sitcom starring a billionaire. We don’t care, we like money.

Kath and Kim: Molly Shannon was good in that terrible Mike White dog movie, plus this is Directed/Exec Produced by Paul Feig (America’s Greatest Hero). Oh, and Selma Blair is probably good. So why not?

Life on Mars: The British one was pretty okay, so the American one will be even better! No doubt about it. We’re probably going to spend most of the fall apologizing for even mentioning this show, but we might not be even have to.

Merlin: We don’t really think you should watch this, we just wanted to bring up how funny the press release is: “‘Merlin’ brings to life a new legend for a modern audience. ‘Merlin’ is an exciting, hour-long fantasy series set in the mythic city of Camelot — but inspired by 21st Century storytelling. Before Merlin (Colin Morgan, ‘Doctor Who’) and Arthur (Bradley James, ‘Lewis’) became legends, they were ambitious young men looking for adventure, hoping to live up to their family’s expectations, discovering love and finding their own true destiny, making mistakes along the way. The innovative, action-packed drama has cross-generational appeal and paints a picture of Merlin and Arthur’s early life that audiences have never witnessed before.”

Seriously, that’s what someone at NBC wrote and someone else (probably several someone elses) decided they should send out into the world. Awesome, right? This week’s Late Night lineup is not innovative nor is it action-packed, but it probably has cross-generational appeal and is no doubt inspired by 21st Century storytelling. Scroll on down and enjoy the magic:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - David Beckham, Sherri Shepherd, the B-52s
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Tina Fey, Brett Favre, Estelle
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Barbara Walters, Wladimir Klitschko, Black Mountain
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jason Segel, Connie Schultz
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Sean “Diddy” Combs, John Cho, Stone Temple Pilots

STEPHAN: We all know Dave’s a winner, but which later repeat should you watch? Klitschko’s a boxer, maybe? I don’t remember this episode at all. Let’s hope he’s not a Russian politician or we’re all going to have to watch Barbara’s old bones jumping his foreign bones. Eww. Jason Segel talks about himself being naked if you’d prefer to try that one out instead. Fair warning though: In that episode, Connie Schultz also talks about sleeping with a senator, although she is married to him, so it’s not nearly as exciting.

ERECH: All reruns, how do they expect us to make this column float with tv like this? Fear not though, we’ll tread water for the week, and wait for everyone to get their gambling and hookering out of their systems and get back to work next week.

Dave’s a great rerun tonight, if you missed it the first time around, Tina into Brett is what most talk shows should strive for, or at least a comparable thread of guests. Amy Sedaris into John McEnroe would also be acceptable. I don’t remember who Estelle is, or what she does (sings, dances, performs some kind of magic WHO KNOWS?!), but despite missing that key piece of the puzzle I’m going to go ahead and call the Late Show A+ from start to finish tonight.

Leno tonight however, is the absolute exact opposite of that. I’ll start with the good first, David Beckham is fine - he’s going to do his thing and be charming and polite and pretty no matter what the format. No problem here. Next, is the least bad, with the B-52’s making me wish I’d never pulled the forks out of my ears after that time Jada Pinkett Smith’s band played Letterman, yikes. Seriously, tonight’s performance is so bad and so camp and so schticky that if you told me it was actually a B-52’s tribute/cover band I would actually believe you. TAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL! And now for the bad bad of the night, coming in the form (striking memories of Gozer the Gozerian…) of the dumbest woman on the telly, Sherri Shepherd. Oh yes she is, shut your mouth. Don’t believe me, then just take a look at this quote from her Myspace page - “If the next 24 hours determined where you’d spend eternity…what would you do?“.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

What really turns this around, Shepherd here starts telling this story about how she was getting hassled by cops in her early stand-up days and tried to flirt her way out of some kind of speeding ticket, and was unable to (ahem), and then spent the night in jail with hookers and other such female reprobates. That’s not the reason to hate her though, no the reason is that she went to jail because she had NUMEROUS SPEEDING TICKETS. And in her telling of it now, she still doesn’t seem to think that is just awful, or get it at all how atrocious and just such lazy, lousy behavior that is. She just seemed to think she had a run of bad luck, or “the man” was out to get her or something, ugh. I mean who has multiple speeding tickets besides drunks and a-holes? Oh yeah, that’s right, Sherri Shepherd.

I hated her already, and now that’s just one more reason to keep on, yeah?

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jodie Foster, Cedric the Entertainer, Lili Haydn
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Gwyneth Paltrow, Richard Lewis, the Roots with Chrisette Michele
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - “The Strike Beard Show”
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeff Bridges, Sophia Myles, Grand Archives
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Shia LaBeouf, Christa Miller, Neil Diamond

ERECH: Dave is another great rerun tonight, Paltrow is charming, Richard Lewis is scary but looks to be actually dying so it’s forgivable, and then The Roots bring it with that “Rising Up” single from their latest album. WATCH IT!

OR just watch The Roots now!

STEPHAN: I was pretty sure I didn’t like Gwyneth Paltrow, but I liked that lady in the Iron Man and when I realized she was Gwyneth Paltrow, I realized I have no idea who I thought Paltrow was. I looked through her credits and other than hating Shakespeare in Love, I didn’t really have anything against her. If anyone knows who I was thinking of, let me know in the comments because I do still like to hate people I’ll never meet. Oh, and it’s not Sophia Myles. She only plays vampires, or across from vampires, so that’s pretty good.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Hugh Laurie, Doug Fine, Prince
• The Late Show with David Letterman - George Clooney, Norah Jones
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jon Bon Jovi, Eva Mendes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ewan McGregor, Morrissey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Terrence Howard, Damon Lindelof & Carlton Cuse, Estelle

STEPHAN: Pro Tip: If you need to karaoke for some reason, you can’t go wrong with early Bon Jovi. The songs are all really simple, and everyone knows the choruses, so while you’re warbling everyone else is drunkenly shouting along with you and they aren’t noticing how awful you are at being Jovi. Plus if you want to do a duet, “Livin on a Prayer” is really easy to sing and if you’re drunk enough to be doing karaoke anyways, you’re drunk enough for that song to be fun to shout. Oh, and it’s easy to pretend you’re being ironic, so that’s potentially a plus too.

ERECH: Conan has Jon Bon Jovi on tonight. I don’t have much to say about this, but I can recall a personal and semi-related Bon Jovi story with you all now. I was walking into a local record shop a few months back, and as I walked through the door, I could hear one of the hipster kids that worked there asking another one of the hipsters kids that worked there if he knew what the latest Bon Jovi album was called. Cue my smarty-pants reponse and perfect timing! “Toilet Water” I blurt out, not two steps into the shop. Heads turned, crowds cheered, people laughed, even the hipster kids who worked there were all cracking up - it was one of those perfect Stand By Me moments and I was the one making everybody puke! The poor guy who just wanted some of Jersey’s Finest shuffled out of the store, embarrassed and shunned, no Bon Jovi for you guy who likes things! I felt like something of a hero, as everyone in the store kept giggling and talking about the zing I had just zung, far longer than they probably should have too. AND THEN IT HAPPENED. My pride turned to shame, and then absolute horror, as the hipster kids who worked there began deciding what CD they were going to play next - and guess what gem they chose - they all decided on a Rob Zombie album! Ouch. Here I’ just busted on some guy who wanted to listen to Bon Jovi, so I could show off for some purple-haired Rob Zombie fans? Oh how low I felt. And that was a hard lesson to learn, but learn it I did.

I’m sorry Bon Jovi guy, I was out of line, I know that now. Please forgive me.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jack Black, Clay Aiken
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Robert Downey Jr., Alicia Keys
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Will Ferrell, Rashida Jones, Fred Simmons
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kal Penn, Lake Bell
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken

ERECH: I’m not going to say this to be lewd, or disgusting, and I normally have tons more class than this, but it really needs to be said. The little grey dress Alicia Keys wears on Letterman tonight makes me want to cut off a toe for some of it. And oh do you know what “it” is, c’mon. Oh I bet it’s some good stuff too, especially in that dress. Trust me, you just watch, and well, yeah. Watch.

Also, I think some folks in programming at NBC and ABC have some bet going about the Aiken to Nielsen ratio before people just stop caring. Or kick a hole in their screens. Think about it.

STEPHAN: Erech has a really good point about Alicia Keys. Now if we could just get her to start writing some songs that aren’t boring. I would also like to point out that Robert Downey, Jr is great, though not nearly so much in the visuals department, but that is one solid show all the way through.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Conan O’Brien, Anderson Cooper, Allison Moorer
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Al Pacino, David Wright, Top 10 List by Trevor Immelman
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Christina Ricci, Jason Sudeikis, Shooter Jennings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Felicity Huffman, Mike Doughty
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - John Cusack, Sofia Vergara, the Jonas Brothers

STEPHAN: Did anybody else see the TNT crew talking about meeting the Jonas Brothers? Full disclosure: I don’t have kids (court ordered) and had no idea what that even meant. Now that I’ve had a chance to look it up on the internet, I’m pretty sure Charles was just busting on Kenny about being excited (if only because his kids would have been excited). Anyways, if you want to know what your kids are up to, but you realize that your kids have terrible taste, this is a good middle ground. Their performance isn’t good or anything, but it is funny watching little Disney Channel kids trying to sing some awful song while hiding an erection because they saw Sofia Vergara right before performing.

ERECH: This is as good a night as any to end on considering it’s a week of reruns. Conan comes on to Leno to mark his territory. Then Conan has Xtina Ricci AND Jason Sudekis (who is officially the funniest guy on SNL right now - GUY mind you, not funniest cast member.), and Dave has Al Pacino hamming it up for all he’s worth, that’s a lot of ham too. All in all, it’s not great considering that if you’d wanted to already see all this you probably already would have, but if this were a regular night of new eps then it’d certainly be a great one. So now, all you people who had to go to bed at 8 o’clock to get up early for work during the week can now tune in for a late Friday night of talk show fun, and live like the kings you’ll never be! Enjoy it, you working-class slobs!

Well then, despite the insurmountable odds faced them by this monstrous task of entertaining you despite the line-ups provided, I think it’s fair to say that Stephan & Erech triumphed most triumphantly! And if you disagree, well, it doesn’t really matter since you’re probably not even reading this far anyways. Remember the wise words of Patrick Dempsey’s own McDreamy: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we managed to stop the bleeding. The bad news is that we gave your penis to the cops.”

LNT, we gave your penis to the cops.

LNT ARCHIVES