Week 29.

LNT HQ loves TV. Loves it! And now that The Venture Bros. are airing at 11:30 (10:30C) on Sundays we feel fully justified talking about that particular diamond during LNT proper. Season three is two episodes in the bag and already everything is upside down but great. Dr. Girlfriend and the Monarch got approval from the Guild of Calamitous Intent and are now a real couple in a real house enjoying wedded bliss. The titular characters are in a bit of a tailspin however. Well, the younger brothers have experienced little change, but the fortunes of the real Venture Bros. are as different as yin and yang.

Episode 2 of season 3 is an encapsulation of that difference. The episode starts with a conversation wherein Rusty tries to impress his brother with his new super science endeavors, but only manages to convey his ignorance about proper super science (unless Jonas Jr really does have a Puerto Rico department). Rusty is called away by the early arrival of General Manhours but can only offer old inventions, empty building, and Fruitopia (the latter is the only thing impressive to the General). Never fear though, Dr. Henry Killinger returns to rebuild the Venture machine!

Unfortunately for “Dr.” Venture, Killinger intends for that machine to be the bane of Dr. Jonas Venture, Jr. As much as Rusty dislikes his brother, he can’t go through with it, and Killinger and the Venchman depart. The episode leaves us with a naked Rusty looking for consolation among his friends Brock, Dr. O, and The Alchemist. Sounds bleak we know, but instead it’s pathos distilled into a 22 minute cartoon about super scientists, super villains, and magic. Plus, the whole episode is brimming with jokes. This is what television should be. It may have taken a year and a half for this show to return but it’s absolutely been worth it. It’s The (American) Office but still realistic (verisimilitudinally speaking anyways), and substantially better.

And you can get T-Shirts to support the cause!

Yes, the talkies are still there for you every weeknight, and feel free to scroll down to see what you should be watching, but Sunday night (at least for the next 11 Sundays) is the night of magic and joy that TV could, and should, be.

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Russell Brand, Bill Engvall, Aimee Mann
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Tom Brokaw, Gnarls Barkley
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kate Hudson, Robert Smigel, James Hunter
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Betty White, Evan Handler, MGMT
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Johnny Knoxville, Sean Stephenson, Death Cab for Cutie

STEPHAN: Sorry, Gnarls, but unless Cee-Lo shows up as the Soul Machine there’s no way he’s putting on a better show than Aimee Mann. None. Of course, Russell Brand and Bill Engvall have nothing on Tom Brokaw so there’s going to be a lot of flipping during the first hour of talking shows. The second hour is all about Robert Smigel. He not only always brings the goods, but he’s worked with Zone forever, and that should be good TV (even if it’s for the newest Adam Sandler abomination). The more adventurous among you may want to try out Craiggers tonight. Not only is Betty White still doing stuff, but Chelsea Handler’s husband is on to announce that he bought the US distribution rights to Psilence.

ERECH: Monday means a rerun from Kimmel, as Jimmy works off his Saturday morning hangover I guess. Which all things considered, isn’t bad. We get to see Jimmy and Johnny talk about how much coke Steve-O does (was anyone really shocked?), some guy after that I don’t know, and then 2 songs from the new Death Cab album - which is far better than everyone says it is. So yeah, skip the first 45 minutes, and watch Death Cab, okay?

I’m with my co-host on this one, Betty White is a definite watch. She still does more than stuff, she’s easily funnier than most of the leads on any network sitcom right now, and possibly funnier than 3 of the 5 comedians in the last AST Top 5 Comedians Poll. Yeah, I went there - wanna do something about it hipsters?

And I’ll wrap Monday up with a story about how dumb Kate Hudson is. Sure, she’s a shining lady of Hollywood, so it’s easy enough to call her a dimbulb without question and just leave it at that. But factor in her Monday morning appearance in NY for the CBS Morning Show where, in a segue into a piece about the increasing costs of hops causing beer prices to rise, Goldie Hawn Jr. here spat out “Yep, beer and gas”. All the anchors on the show started giggling like school children, as well they should, at the seemingly obvious “cause and effect” connection made there in the realm of toilet humor. But Hudson didn’t even flinch, and continued on with “Beer, gas, and now rice.” - OOOOOOOH now we get what she was going for. Wait, we got it all along, it was just that she didn’t get it or even wonder why everyone suddenly burst into laughter all around her. The moral of the story here kids is this; never trust a lady too fancy to laugh at her own fart jokes, let along get them.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Justin Timberlake, Karen Allen, Sheryl Crow
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Mark Wahlberg, UFO Expert Jeff Peckman, Alanis Morissette
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jeff Corwin, Jamie Lidell
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Carl Reiner, Rachel Dratch, Augustana
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Seann William Scott, Emmanuelle Chriqui, N.E.R.D.

ERECH: I hate just about enough things about each of the guests tonight on Dave, that I think I’ll tune in if only to watch Dave take a crap on them for me. It’s poo-pooing vicariously, don’t you know. I’m always amazed by how much work Markie-Mark gets that I never hear about before it actually comes out, and never see once it does, and then later have friends tell me how bad whatever movie it was was, but keep going back for me. Gluttons for punishment, the lot’a ya. He was pretty great in that stupid Scorsese rat-movie though, I’ll give him that. I wonder what the odds are that Philly Boy Roy’ll be waiting outside of the Sullivan after the show to try and get InVINCEable’s autograph? Although I guess he’d have to go through Jersey to get there, and we all know he’d rather lose a toe or something first than do that. That’s right, because Jersey stinks. Deal with it.

Fergie has a pretty damn good line-up tonight, even for him. Well, until you get to the end there. But that middle 20 is gonna be good I says. Watch it!

STEPHAN: Rachel Dratch used to be on 30 Rock. She was supposed to have Jane Krakowski’s part. I’m supposed to be broken up that she was forced out by the network for someone more traditionally pretty. Unfortunately, Jane Krakowski has been killing it on 30 Rock. The suits got one right. (This doesn’t mean Rachel Dratch isn’t funny, just that Jane Krakowski is really good on that show.)

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dana Carvey, Spencer Breslin, Priscilla Ahn
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Zooey Deschanel, Jakob Dylan
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Mark Wahlberg, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Stockard Channing, Bill Engvall
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kathy Griffin, Danny McBride, Esperanza Spalding

STEPHAN: Lyle the intern’s best friend Zooey Deschanel is on Dave, so prepare yourself for a fancy dance party. Keep the remote close during the party though, you don’t want to accidentally watch any of the rest of the shows tonight. Danny McBride is the only other person that won’t make your eyes bleed, but he’s coming on after Kathy Griffin, so the damage will already be done.

ERECH: I’m pretty sure we’re getting a B-guest on the Zone tonight, but since TV is so awful lately, even the talkies are having trouble pretending to care about Summer-celebs. Instead of make fun of Donnie’s little bro some more then, I’ll give you all an actual good reason to tune into Conze tonight, with this this Celebrity Surveys segment from March 10th:

I love how it started off as a typical Late Night bit, and then slowly because of just coming back from the strike, coupled with the crowds reaction, the whole thing just gets meaner and meaner - until the last 2 monster KO’s at the end. And that’s why, even when half the time I don’t care about the stinker and snoozing guests who’re on the couch at all, I still have to roll the dice every night and hope for a bit as good as that in the first 20 of the show. It’s hit or miss, but the hits are as good as anything, and you just never know when they’re gonna happen either. Plus with the secret cache of bathtub gin at LNT HQ, it’s kinda like being in Vegas every night, but with more gay.

I’m pretty sure that I had a joke about Spencer Breslin being related to Abigail, until I found out they actually were. Imagine my surprise! It wouldn’t have been funny anyways I guess, and it’s certainly no endorsement for watching Leno tonight, because that’d probably be less funny than my “Uncle Spencer” gag was. Wait, no probably at all, definitely. You’ve been warned.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Mike Myers, Abigail Breslin, David Cook
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Emmylou Harris
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Randy Jackson, Forever the Sickest Kids
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jenna Fischer, Wolfgang Puck
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Tim Roth, Kenny Mayne, Carolina Liar

ERECH: Now tonight would definitely be a 20 minutes and out night for Conan. Randy Jackson is beyond awful, and I don’t even know why anyone would have him as a guest in off-Idol season? That’s a testament to how slim the pickings must be in TV Land right now I guess, yikes. And as for Forever the Sickest Kids, or 4EsK as Stephan like to call them, that’s a great big ol’ bag of THANKS, BUT NO right there. Yuck.

Just so you kids feel like you got your money’s worth though, you can check out this article by our field correspondent Maureen Ryan, where she goes over a few of LNT’s concerns with the upcoming Leno/O’Brien switch.

And even though it looks like most of tonight is going to let us down, Stephan is about to speak some truth. Either that, or I’m going to have no choice but to break out my Spencer Breslin joke now because TV is just begging me for it!

STEPHAN: Craiggers gonna be flirting and cooking all night long. That’s good enough for me, and it should be good enough for you.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Larry the Cable Guy, Bob Costas, Ashanti
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Whoopi Goldberg, Spencer Pratt, Nick Griffin
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Brian Scolaro
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Elizabeth Perkins , Coolio
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - John Leguizamo, Dan Abrams, Secondhand Serenade

STEPHAN: I just had an argument with myself about whether or not Elizabeth Perkins should do that Donnie Darko sequel. On the one hand, she was in Showgirls, but, on the other hand, she was Wilma in The Flintstones Movie. If we’re getting seizure-dance Perkins from Showgirls we might just have a winner on our hands, but if Don’t-Mind-Me-I-Just-Hold-John-Goodman’s-Heart-Medication Perkins is on tap, then we have ourselves a movie that can’t even be enjoyed ironically.

The rest of the night is a death pool calibration night. “Coolio’s looking better than I expected, but Leguizamo is picking up steam. He goes on the sleeper list along with Eva Longoria.” (the sleeper list is also the wishful thinking list)

Incidentally, Eddie, that Whoopi Goldberg becomes the coach of the Knicks was on cable the other week. While it turns out that I will watch anything for at least 25 minutes, the real question is why doesn’t anyone make good basketball movies? There’s He Got Game and I guess Hoosiers, but that’s pretty much it.

ERECH: Wasn’t Blue Chips ok? Or at least at the time I think it was. Plus it made Penny look like a jerk, but that wasn’t much of a stretch as it turns out, right?

The name of Coolio’s new album is “Steal Hear“. Get it? Kinda? Not really? Yeah, me neither. Isn’t that awful, and depressing? Even Ice Cube has pretended better than this to be a rapper over the years, and his last 5 albums are easily as bad as anything that you can name - and I just watched The Man Who Wasn’t There this weekend, so I have a basis for comparison. What do you think we’re looking forward to then from a guy who hasn’t even had a major album drop in what, 12 years, from the guy who wasn’t even the best part of The Maad Circle (and the other part was just the DJ!)? Couple that in with Craig’s complete lack of ability to appear comfortable around black people not named Chi McBride or Aisha Tyler, and this might be just the train-wreck we all need to see before we head in to the weekend. If you’re home, alone, or drunk, or any combo of the 3 - watch this.

And speaking of drunk, it’s almost time to call a winner in the 1st Annual LNT Local Swill contest, in which all of you loyal readers have sent in your favorite local area garbage beers for Stephan & Erech to try, in the hopes that one might become the official alcoholic beverage of Late Night Thing! Have you entered yet? Well if not, get on it, because the pace is set and the winner is almost decided. Sure, Stephan likes something with a little more kick, and Erech seems obscenely fascinated by any beers with a household pet on the label, but that doesn’t mean your local swill couldn’t still win!

Past disgusting entries have included fare from such breweries as Yuengling, Iron City, Olympia, Rainier, and someone even broke out a vintage case of Hamm’s! Diarrhea was caused by all, but in this contest, that’s a plus!

So remember, get us your beers now, while you have a chance, and maybe you could be a part of Late Night history!

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