Week Thirty Third.

Ugh. Television and summer is not a great mix. Summer is the time of blockbusters and sitting in the air conditioned theater watching the dumbest thing you can find (even though we all have air conditioning at home, and then we don’t have to listen to a bunch of yahoos talking through the movies). This summer has offered some great (in the pejorative sense) dumb programming, but we even have some actual movies to watch still:

Hellboy II: Half the LNT team is looking forward to this movie so much, there is zero chance that it will live up to the hype. It’s gonna be fun to look at at the very least. Seriously, the first one is not that bad, and this one has a real budget. Of course, dude had a real budget for Blade II and that turned into a giant stupid wrestling extravaganza. Ugh City.

The Dark Knight: Isn’t it weird how comic book movies are the only things worth seeing now? Comics used to be the domain of the reject and the social pariah, and now Iron Man is outearning Indiana Jones. Of course, people still don’t actually read comics, and the movies are generally only tangentially related to their paper versions. This one is going to go the other direction. This movie is going to be better than anything Frank Miller is doing and, just maybe, anything he’s ever done. Also, there’s a motorcycle in it. And a bunch of people going “Heeeyyy, Batman.”

This was supposed to be a huge list, but that’s actually about it. There’s a Ben Stiller vehicle and another Will Ferrell movie coming, and they both look better than anything either of those guys have put out for quite some time, but both movies are the reason DVDs were invented. Who wants to take a chance on giving either of those guys $10 and two hours of sitting in public for another terrible movie? When instead, we can rent them in glorious HD resolution for only $5.99 all while getting to stay at home too. Take that theater owners.

If you have to experience media not derived from comic books, we guess you should at least go see Wall-E again, it’s totally worth it, but bad Late Night TV is going to have to suffice again this week, unless you want to try sitting through the Hancock Trilogy (they managed to shrink the whole story down into one incredibly poorly made movie). Scroll on down, and we’ll guide you through another late night minefield:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Selma Blair, Kevin Nealon, Steve Tyrell
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jack Hanna, Kid Rock, a Top Ten list presented by Annika Sorenstam
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Ted Koppel, Emily Mortimer, Steel Train
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Matt Costa
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Magic Johnson, National Spelling Bee Champion Sameer Mirsha, Adam Sandler

STEPHAN: I think that’s the Jungle Jack appearance where he can’t control the deadly snake. Or is it the one where he bangs his recently surgered knee? Either way that’s a winner. For afters (or durings depending on where you live) Magic Johnson is on Jimmy to talk about how Jimmy’s show isn’t any better than the Magic Hour. If that’s not your cup of tea, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is not only America’s Hottest Billionaire, but she’s on Craiggers talking about, I don’t know, European stuff.

Oh, and Erech is missing something: Selma Blair is fantastic.

ERECH: Well I screwed up. I admit it. For some reason I thought the Olympics were starting THIS week, not in like a month from now. I got some bum news, and didn’t bother to double-check it, as usual. Which is odd, I knew the games started on August 8th, and that day should be easily enough remembered for me SINCE IT IS MY MOTHER EFFIN BIRTHDAY. Ahem, but yeah, I blew it. The NBC talkies ARE going to be taking some time off, it just won’t be for a few more weeks down the road. In the meantime, CBS and ABC are rolling out all their reruns again this week, which means it’s really only Jay and Conan up to bat or even worth talking about. Kinda.

Jay has Selma Blair, who is in the new Hellboy movie. Both of those things I know I am supposed to like, I just don’t really. Hellboy is a definite take it or leave it, the comic is more endearing I suppose than that first movie, but even the comic I have little to no interest in. Selma Blair too is fine enough I guess, I just don’t have any strong feelings toward her either way. All my lesbian friends love her though, so maybe I’m just missing something in the whole equation, yeah? Kevin Nealon is on after her, and he’s swell enough, but probably not enough to actually watch Jay tonight.

As far as reruns go, tonight’s Dave ain’t a bad one at all. You got an injured Jungle Jack, then we get Dave trying his damnedest to pretend to give 3 craps about what Kid Rock has to say, AND THEN we even get a performance from the one and only Rock & Roll Jesus himself *that’s right* the Early Morning Stoned Pimp steps up to the mic and really lets us have it.

BLECH.

So in other words, watch the first 30 of Dave and then GO TO BED.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Aaron Eckhart, Dara Torres, Los Lonely Boys
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Mike Myers, BMX rider Kevin Robinson, Adele
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Selma Blair, Sig Hansen, Little Jackie
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeffrey Tambor
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Beckham, Liv Tyler

ERECH: Jay has Two-Face and that 80 year old swimmer lady (and probable steroid abuser) Dara Torres on. SNOOZE.

Tonight’s rerun over at Fergtown is a pretty good one though. Jeffrey Tambor was in high spirits that night, and he gelled really well with Craiggers eclectic interviewing style. Good stuff.

STEPHAN: Speaking of the impeccable Jeffrey Tambor (since there’s nothing else to speak about tonight), does anyone love Arrested Development more than Keith Olbermann?

Keith even turned a puff interview about Hancock into an excuse to plug the Arrested Development movie again:

Click here

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jarod Miller, Sara Bareilles
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Harrison Ford, Ali Lohan, Leona Lewis
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kyra Sedgwick, Jim Cramer, Joe Cocker
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kristin Davis, Joel McHale, Shooter Jennings
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Sen. Barack Obama, Sen. John McCain

STEPHAN: For those of you who enjoy animals on television, Jarod Miller is very excited about, though not particularly in control, of several different animals on Jay tonight. Otherwise, Jimmy’s got a political thing going, but don’t worry, it’s just as boring as you’re imagining.

ERECH: If you missed it the first go round, Craiggers gives us another great rerun tonight with the infamous Kristin Davis appearance from last month. Watch them flirt wildly, talk about boozing and drugs, make bedroom eyes, and then probably after the show never speak to each other ever again. Also Joel McHale brings it. Great episode.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Arsenio Hall, Christiane Amanpour, Willie Nelson, Wynton Marsalis
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Paris Hilton, Steve Wyrick, Panic at the Disco
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Ed Helms, Pilobolus
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Valerie Bertinelli, Paulina Porizkova, Estelle
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Regis Philbin, Sharon Osborne, Lil Wayne

ERECH: I’ve always found it really strange that Jay and Arsenio have made friends in the post Arsenio-has-a-show days. I mean, Jay being nice to him I get, but Arsenio being cool with Jay on the other hand always seems fake to me. I mean, has Arsenio even had much of a career since his show went off the air? (no.) And wasn’t it mostly Jay and Helen Kushnick’s fault he got crushed so resoundingly in the ratings, clipping guests from him etc? (yes.) I guess Arsenio is just a bigger guy than me, because I’d punch the guy in his big dumb chin if it was me. I’m just sayin’.

Dave has another fine repeat tonight with yet another Paris Hilton appearance, Dave’s reruns are better than everyone else’s new shows - wow! Loathe as I am to admit it, I do now have a strange fondness, even respect, for Paris coming on this show time and again. Even when she knows Dave is just gonna take crap after crap on her the whole time, she still comes on and takes it. It’s like she’s setting them up for Dave to knock down, and that’s worthy of some respect, right? I mean, what’d Ricky Gervais’s podcast be without Karl Pilkington? Yes, that’s right, I’ve compared Paris Hilton to Karl Pilkington, albeit a herpes-having oozy-minged whorecunt version of him, but still. Dave and Paris, they’re a match made in late night heaven…

Conan has Ed Helms on, who I swore I heard just died last week. Why would Conze even want that old racist kook on anyways?!

STEPHAN: This is where I’d normally pretend to have read Valerie Bertinelli’s book and then we could all enjoy some fat jokes, but really Bertinelli is hot. And being married to Eddie Van Halen would make anyone take solace in delicious cakes. That being said, I still don’t recommend watching her talk about stuff. A stronger argument could be made to listening to Paulina Porizkova however (just not by me).

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Michael Caine, Elizabeth Banks
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Steve Carell, Lance Armstrong, Dr. John
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Sean Hayes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Holly Hunter
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Whoopi Goldberg, Fred Willard, Cyndi Lauper

STEPHAN: Another terrible week is over. Stupid summer. Don’t watch any TV tonight. Go outside and get drunk with your neighbors. Or at least get drunk in your neighbor’s yard. They’ll find it endearing.

ERECH: Going out with a whimper this week, David has a show that looks like a lot of snooze to me, but if someone were to tell me it looked like an awesome show to them, I’d be willing to buy it. I’ve not got a great fondness for Carell, who has mostly made a career of being in ok projects but surrounded by people who were way more funny and talented than him, although Dan in Real Life doesn’t really fall into that category does it? Nor does Evan Almighty, either. Hmm, so much for that theory… I’ve really never liked Lance Armstrong, and especially since he does nothing now but bang one hot famous chick after another, I’d almost say my boredom with him has evolved to fullblown CONTEMPT. And finally, Dr. John will always have a place in my heart for the all cartoons and commercials he sang on from my childhood, but seeing this diabetic sweat and heave himself over a piano NOW just really ain’t doing it for me, ya know? But hey, that’s just me. Like I said, if someone else were to say that looked like a great show, I really couldn’t argue with them.

Now if someone said Kimmel had a great show, then we’d be fighting. Mutant, Meh and another Mutant, that’s not how you get it done Yimmy, yikes!

Thus comes to an end yet another episode of LNT, in a week that almost didn’t see one happen at all. Behind the scenes this week was much mayhem and carnage down here at Late Night Thing HQ - if it wasn’t one thing it was another. Someone left all the coolers open, so now we have melted ice and warm beer to contend with. All the diodes in our monitors blew out, luckily enough for you we had time to replace them all. Worse than that though, someone let the dogs out. And you know how much the boys hate it when people do that. I mean really, who let the…

Oh no we don’t.

Late Night Thing, we’re better than that, damnit. Barely, but just enough.

LNT ARCHIVES