Week 34.

Yes, it’s still summer, but it’s a good one this week. Possibly, a great one.

We were going to force you to sit through another stilted Venture Bros. loveathon, but the Late Night Television Verse demands our attention, so instead we’re just going to compile a list of quotes and you, dear reader, have the option of changing your life accordingly or just skipping the quotes and getting on to the guide:

“There was even talk of french toast, but there was none to be had.”

“He wrote a little poem, to his dollies.”

“And they haven’t been taken by blaculas, although I’m not prepared to rule out caucasian vampires.”

“You got any pants … like extra pants?”

“No, it’s because you’ve soiled yourself. And he’s gay.”

“That’s a tape fella, he can’t see you.”

“I think I’ve got it. Maybe it was all…just a dream?”

“Probably Doc tryin’ to ’save us.’”

“Did you know I also raise carrier pigeons on my roof?”

“Wonderful, that’s one for us, five billion for the Apocalypse.”

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Will Ferrell, Mary McCormack, James Hunter
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Pierce Brosnan, Bud Selig, Jason Mraz
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Gary Oldman, Joe Buck, Kenny Chesney
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Chris Isaak, Debbie Reynolds
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Adam Carolla, Peter Berg, Romany Malco, Billy Idol

STEPHAN: Fun fact- Adam Carolla’s movie is funny. Also, that time he had Norm MacDonald on his radio show was great. Norm told a ribald tale of a backdoor liaison with a friend’s wife whilst that friend mowed the lawn. Don’t worry folks, it happened years ago. Set your RSSers to: 971freefm.com Update: That clip appears to have gotten too old and has been removed, but there’s lots of great stuff still available. Dana Gould interviews for example. Anyways, here at LNT HQ we have a copy of the Norm stuff, so let us know if you still want it.

ERECH: Wow, we go from a famine to a feast. The late night landscape was so barren the last what, 3-4 weeks (at least…) and now we just can’t turn around any night this week without seeing someone great sitting on a couch, lying to us to try and get our money! TV is awesome again!

Jimmy has his usual Monday rerun, which I think will be the third time I’ve seen it. I say third preemptively now because I know that I am going to watch at least parts of it, because I’ve got quite a fondness for the first three guests. Sue me.

With the All-Star game this week in NY, I can’t think of a more perfect guest than Selig to see Dave put on a clinic with, showing us all what a great late night talk show interview should look like. Up yours, Charlie Rose!

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - David Duchovny, Olympic shot putter Reese Hoffa, Jakob Dylan
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Meryl Streep, Aaron Eckhart, Randy Travis
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Heidi Klum, Joel McHale, Daryl Hall & KT Tunstall
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julie Andrews, Raymond Crowe
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Andy Samberg, Minnie Driver, Shwayze

ERECH: Another night of great guests, where to begin, where to begin…

Conan is going to be classic Conan tonight, so grab a seat. Heidi and him have a great rapport, Joel McHale knows how to bring it on the talkies, and even the musical guests look like they’ll be interesting too. I’m gonna go ahead and call it right now, show of the night.

Andy Samberg is stopping by Yimmy’s, to promote his new monkey movie, Space Chimps. I’ve not got much to say about that, good or bad, but Samberg is funny enough and I do like me some Minnie Driver too, so that’s not a horrible line-up at all. For Kimmel. Meanwhile, Shwayze is kind of popular right now, riding a bit of that N.E.R.D./Cool Kids vibe. And sure, Buzzin’ is a catchy enough song, though I just can’t see this team-up with Cisco Adler having much more than an albums worth of material - if that. The whole whitetrash-stoner-surfdude-chorus into rapper-rapping-verses formula only has legs for so long, plus there’s way too much of a creepy “Three Times One Minus One” thing happening too I think. Also not helping things, Adler is more than just a little bit of a d-bag. And especially not helping things, Shwayze’s lyrics and delivery on his albums are pretty weak, so I can’t imagine it’ll be much better live. Might be though, and who knows, much like how helpful Matisyahu’s appearance on the Pontiac Soundstage was for his career, maybe this’ll really give a kick for Shwayze too.

STEPHAN: TTOMO!!!

Anyone else confused by that Daryl Hall & KT Tunstall pairing? I thought Tunstall is from Enguhland, is she really a Philadelphian? Could it be that the long awaited Philly Pride is finally coming out? This pairing is certainly no weirder than Robert Hazard and Teddy Pendergrass, right? This is an exciting time to be alive folks.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - John C. Reilly, Venus Williams, Gavin Rossdale
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Maggie Gyllenhaal, Neil Young, the Hold Steady
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Meryl Streep, Russell Brand, Eugene Mirman
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Sir Ben Kingsley, Popovich Comedy Pet Theatre
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Nick Lachey, Gabrielle Union, Nas

STEPHAN: Mer-Man, Man from the sea! I am bike cheese! Mirman’s the best. This is a guaranteed victory even if you have to sit through Meryl Streep and Russell Brand to get there. Plus, that Letterman lineup is good, no great, no matter what Erech says. Neil Young may not make good music anymore, but he’s made enough for seven lifetimes already, and the Hold Steady are the pride of Minneapolis, America’s third or fourth best city, even if they live in Brooklyn now.

ERECH: I’m going to watch Leno tonight. Not his monologue, because that’s always awful. But Dave doesn’t have anyone on deck tonight for me, sorry Mags. John C., Venus and Rossdale though is a pretty fun line-up, so go Jay I guess.

Also, as Stephan said, Conan is looking pretty good too. I can take or leave Ms. Streep, but I really like Brand (on talk shows at least…), and yeah I mean c’mon, it’s Eugene. Tonight is a coup for NBC. Enjoy it while you can Peacock.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - David Spade, Coldplay
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Ricky Gervais, John Mellencamp
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Aaron Eckhart, Caroline Rhea, Dr. Dog
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jet Li, Rita Rudner
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Cool Kids

ERECH: Jimmy looks like I might watch a lot of it tonight. Timberlake’s pretty awesome, and I’m too lazy to look up what he might be trying to promote right now, so I’ll be surprised with the rest of the unwashed masses to find out on Thursday night. Then you got that girl with the ridiculous ass, in other words change it to watch Conan or Craiggers monologue for this part, unless you’re really lonely. THEN you wrap it up with the Cool Kids? I’m gonna watch.

Gervais and Dave on paper should be a really good show, but it’s just usually kind of not. I think they’re just both too big of personalities each, and too respectful of each other to step on any comedic toes, so Ricky’s appearances in the Ed Sullivan always just kinda end up being blah. Like, it’ll be worth watching for sure, but I doubt it’ll be much of anything great. Although, unless this line-up is wrong, Ricky is going to be the only couch-guest tonight, so maybe they’ll really get into stuff? However, if Ricky is only the A-guest and we get a last minute B addition, just expect some giggles and Ricky whoring for 9 minutes for whatever he has coming out soon. And Flanimals.

Finally, a pub full’a drunk Scots couldn’t drag me away from Ferguson tonight. Jet Li has a good sense of humor, but there is going to be something of a language barrier going on there, since neither guest nor host can speak english to save their lives. THEN some Rita Rudner? Look, I know I am supposed to poke fun, have a snappy comeback, make some snark about her Dr. Girlfriend outfits or something, but I just can’t. I got nothing on her. Rita’s a pioneer in chick comedy, has more than paid her dues, and while she ain’t really my specific cup of tea most of the time, she can be known to bring it. Classy enough to make a fart joke sound sophisticated? Why yes she is.

STEPHAN: In a perfect world, the B guest for the Dave/Gervais team will be a Sedaris sighting. Of course, John Mellancamp is involved so that’s clearly not going to happen because this is not a perfect world. Not today anyways.

I should also warn you all about Dr. Dog. I attended a Dr. Dog concert with a ladyfriend and it was a blast. They were great and I could not have had more fun. Then I went out and purchased whatever CD they were touring in support of (whatever one has “Old Ways” on it), and it was terrible. They sound like Chicago now sans Peter Cetera. I don’t know if they were especially good that night, or if I was just especially smitten, but minus whatever magic was at play, they brought nothing but pain.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Tim Allen, Demi Lovato, One Republic
• The Late Show with David Letterman - David Sedaris
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Sen. John McCain, the Steeldrivers
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Mary Steenburgen, Criss Angel
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ant and Dec, Minus the Bear

STEPHAN: Hooray!!! A Sedaris sighting. It’s not the best Sedaris (at least as far as Letterman appearances go), but it’s a very good sign. Talent Family for the win!

My local CBS has been playing “John McCain is a hero and not some old loon filled with rage who inexplicably backed American use of torture even though he’s explicitly said it doesn’t work, and in fact, just told a rally in Pennsylvania that torture forced him to give up the defensive line of the Stillahs when he was in that cage in the jungle” ads constantly during Dave. I voted for McCain during the 2000 primaries (thankfully I live in a state where you don’t have to register as a party affiliate to cast a primary vote), so I don’t say this lightly. John McCain has lost his mind, and I’m literally angry with rage that Conan is going to help perpetuate the myth that the McCain in 2008 is still a maverick. He spent the last 8 years kowtowing to the evilest team he could find. That’s not a maverick that’s a deluded old man with an obsession with power.

Also:

ERECH: Jay and Tim Allen? I’ve got to see this.

David Sedaris? Definitely gonna watch that.

Conan and McCain? So there.

Criss Angel? Wait, whaaaaaat? This guy is the worst. And I’m not even going to bring myself to type out his self-given nickname, because it will only add fuel to the firing rage that I already have for this Hot Topic loser to begin with. Just the whole crows flying and wind-machine blowing his unbuttoned pirate shirt open thing, AND the mascara and foundation, just his entire manufactured aura makes me want to throw my TV into traffic. And I have nothing against fake personalities as a general rule, and I could tolerate his too if the dude had a sense of humor about himself, or was good at the magicks. Neither of these is the case though. This druid not only thinks he’s a tough guy, but also that he’s blowing the lid off of the whole warlock scene to boot. He’s got no real stage presence, any more than some homeless skater kid down at the mall might have if you lit his arm on fire too, and his cockiness about it all is even more off-putting - sure you might be one of the top 5 most famous magicians in the world, but still you’re one of the top 5 most famous magicians in the world. AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I’M GOING TO TURN A NUCLEAR BOMB INTO A BOOTLEG COPY OF THE ‘95 NiN OUTSIDE TOUR FROM THE MEADOWLANDS IN JERSEY! And honestly, because I just have to type it, that’s right I have no self-control - Mindfreak? Seriously? If there are two more unfitting words smashed together to form a new and even more disturbing word used to describe yourself, I can’t think of em. Oh wait, I bet I can. What about Poetwarrior? Or ooh ooh Breadartisan! Or even better, Catfancier? That’s right, it’s Criss Angel; Catfancier. Sign that up for a couple seasons why dont’cha A&E?

Well I guess that’s as awkward a place to end LNT as any. Although seriously, who can blame Erech - but if A&E were to put Poetwarrior on it’d probably be the best show ever right? Speaking of the Best Show ever, Tom Scharpling is taking a few weeks off to catch up on some work at the Consolidated Cardboard factory, which has left a Jersey-sized hole in the boys of LNT’s lives. That’s nearly 3 hours of pure entertainment each week, gone. And even with a week this strong on the talkies, you’re going to be hard-pressed to get 3 full hours of pure value from them. 10 minutes here and there from Conan, another 30 or so from Dave, maybe 15 minutes from Craiggers, and Jay and Jimmy split a saw-buck, and we’re barely at a full hour of win there. Ouch. So I guess what Late Night Thing is trying to say is, hurry home Tom. Hurry home.

However, if you can’t wait till the 29th for Tom to hit the mic again, you can always head over to AST Records and order Doug Benson’s upcoming comedy CD, Professional Humoredian. It’s his first ever CD too, can you believe that? You can be sure that all we’ll be bumping down at LNT HQ for the next few months is going to be Doug, well that and the new Beck album too.

In the meantime though, if you get really bored, you can always read THE LNT ARCHIVES!