At last we meet again, LNT 36.

An open letter to Conan (Zone) O’Brien:

Dear Mr. Conan,

We here at LNT HQ have heard had that you are going to have some time to kill (4 months or so), and we know that manic energy that propels your wonderful zone isn’t going to just dissipate, so we’re here to help.

First things first, you wrote a couple of the all time great Simpsons episodes. The sequence where Darlene takes Bart’s heart and throws it away is one of the few pure moments television has given us. It’s gut-wrenching and yet somehow still both funny and glorious. And let’s not forget the monorail episode. That is what television should be, what everyone is striving for. (Mule.)

The Simpsons is still on the air, and we’re pretty sure they’d let you come in and write whatever you want. Although, however funny that show may be, it’s still a shell of what it once was. Futurama, on the other hand, has had some rough patches lately, the first movie had a pretty good plot, but very few jokes. The second movie had tons of jokes, but the plot was underwhelming. The third movie is being sold as a pretty broad parody (not a great sign). This is where you can help. There’s a fourth movie coming and we need it to be perfect. We, as not just Americans, but citizens of the world, need this to be good, so the “wonderful” people at Fox let more get made.

Sincerrely (we’ve been in the tussin),

LNT

Never fear gentle reader, Conan won’t be leaving us for some time yet, so join Erech and Stephan as they attempt to guide you through the briny deep that is this week of Late Night Television:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Julie Scardina, Brendan Fraser, Gnarls Barkley
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Gillian Anderson, Simon Pegg, We Are Scientists
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kelsey Grammer, Keke Palmer, the Ting Tings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eric Idle, Nancy Travis
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ant and Dec, Minus the Bear

STEPHAN: Simon Pegg is the real deal. Spaced is good, Shaun of the Dead is perfect, and Hot Fuzz is great too. He was even good in Tom Cruise Saves Everyone Himself III. Enjoy slogging through Gillian Anderson pretending to still care about X-Files though. It is hard to blame her, none of us care either (so says the $10 million weekend box office).

ERECH: Eric Idle and Nancy Travis? Hey, I like both of those people. Craiggers starting the week off right!

A mutual friend of Stephan and mine’s regarded Maggie Gyllenhaal as, after seeing The Dark Knight, “butt ugly”. I can’t say I fully disagree either. I do find it odd that Katie Holmes didn’t come back for this role, presumably because of the fate of Rachel Dawes (spoiler alert!), it reeks of a tad bit snobbish right? It’s funny how easily she was replaced too, without skipping a beat while watching that movie, I fully accepted Mags as the character with not a seconds hesitation. I wonder how much of a mark that is on Holmes’ acting ability, yeah? Anyways, Yimmy has Magpie on the couch tonight, as well as some other shmucks, in this rerun from a couple weeks back.

Speaking of Dark Knight, I know there is a lot of Oscar buzz around Heath’s performance, and probably rightfully so. I just want to tip the hat now though for Gary Oldman’s performance, good golly did he bring it in this movie! The very glue of the film I say, because without his strong outing to offset all the crazy (Joker, Harvey, and Bats himself), that whole thing probably would have fallen apart - and bad. Further, not only did Dark Knight earn ridiculous amounts of money and break records, but to borrow that line from the Joker, “You’ve changed things… forever. There’s no going back.” - sadly it’s true. Seeing all the various trailers for upcoming superhero flicks that were shown at this weekends SDCC, I’m just woefully saddened by the fact that they will all just be awful, or at least I won’t be able to look at them the same anymore. Childish and boring, rote, cookie-cutter appearances by ________ (insert characters name there) origin flick. Nolan has created a new standard for these kind of movies, and I’m not even sure anyone else is anywhere near the task, or even trying to catch up to it. How can I go back to watching badly CGI’d Hulks tromping around badly CGI’d cityscapes, fighting equally lame CGI villians over nothing?

Comic book movies just got a wake up call. Thank you Christopher Nolan.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Seth Rogen, Joan Allen, Third Day
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kevin Costner, Bob Sarlatte, Low vs. Diamond
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jason Sudeikis, Rose Hill Drive
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jet Li, Belinda Carlisle
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Gillian Anderson, Alex Cambert, Bryan Adams

ERECH: Conan and Sudeikis is a good combo, so I’ll be there. Everything else tonight looks like a passer to me.

Also, I’m worried Seth Rogen is blowing his load, slow down dude!

STEPHAN:

This trailer played before Step Brothers this weekend. The entire audience laughed at the “they get bussed in from the women’s facility” followed by some model stepping out of the bus and shaking her luxurious mane (apparently the woman’s facility is owned by Pantene). I’m not sure if we should blame Joan Allen for making such bad movies or not. People like those Bourne things, but everything else is Face/Off or Pleasantville. I do hope Ian McShane enjoys his fancy yacht.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Rainn Wilson, Emeril Lagasse, Sergio Mendes featuring Ledisi
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Pamela Anderson, James Franco, Atmosphere
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kevin Costner, Maria Bello, Bordello
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Michelle Yeoh, Tom Sullivan, Jakob Dylan
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Duchovny, Katharine McPhee, Wendy Liebman

STEPHAN: Say what you want about his film roles (I’d argue that Evolution had a horribly flawed story that Duchovny and Clifford Franklin almost managed to save all by themselves), but David Duchovny makes for a mighty fine talk show guest. Plus, Wendy Liebman was on Dr. Katz and that’s good enough for me.

ERECH: Letterman is an almost cannot miss episode tonight. Fake juggs, bad actor, and white rapper? OOH BOY, that’s a winner. And yeah, I said bad actor, but Pineapple Express might be the first time I actually like James Franco in anything - good lord was he awful in those Spider-man movies too, just special bad. YIKES!

By the way, what is it with Jimmy getting leading stars the week AFTER their movies open? He does that a lot lately, and it seems counter-intuitive to the point of having these sort of guests on whoring their certain particular product of the week. I mean, if I wanted to see Duchoveny OR the X-Files, wouldn’t I have already done one of those 2 things… already? Talent coordinator at JKL ftl.

STEPHAN: I would just like to take a second to say that I for one love Freaks & Geeks, and subsequently think James Franco is great, always. I guess what I’m trying to say is please direct your hatemail solely to Erech.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Rosie Perez, Robin Thicke
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Luke Wilson, Michael Lauziere
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Nathan Lane, Dylan Ratigan, Albert Reyes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Will Ferrell, Jean-Michel Cousteau
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Mariah Carey, Dan Abrams

ERECH: Luke Wilson and Letterman? I’m watching that, because I am glad Luke isn’t dead, and I want to see Dave make him laugh. And that’s all the reason any of you should need to tune in to the Late Show tonight.

I’m curious about why Albert Reyes is gonna be on Conan, just enough to tune in the last 10 minutes. But oh man does that first 40 look rough. Nathan Lane, awful. And Ratigan is just a filler, because I am no longer going to consider NBC news anchors as legitimate guests for Conan, the other shoe has dropped O’Brien, get it together.

Geez, what is Conan going to do for guests next year when in California he no longer can mine 30 Rock for news people?

STEPHAN: Nathan Lane is good in that “I miss Johnny Carson” sort of way. I’m not saying that Nathan Lane is Carson, but his brand of slightly corny material is exactly the stuff that would have flown with Mr. Excitement. He’s a fine guest on Letterman for example, but does that work on the Zone? (Maybe.)

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Bill Cosby, Emma Stone
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Richard Simmons, Dwayne Kennedy
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Brendan Fraser, Steve Schirripa, Airborne Toxic Event
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Rainn Wilson, Cory Kahaney, the Hold Steady
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Catherine Bell, Benjamin Bratt, Huey Lewis and the News

STEPHAN: Now that Jimmy is single he’s back on the prowl and Friday night is date night at the El Capitan. The real question is which side of the fence Jimmy is going to come down on. I think Catherine Bell is married and she just might be a scientologist, so the good money says get ready for some 2-man tango during Huey’s set. Unless Yimmy’s so distraught that he’s willing to cede his ABC check straight to the Science-iest church in town. In that case, he could definitely do a lot worst than Ms. Bell. Plus, Jimmy Bell is a pretty great name (a lot better than James Bratt).

The Hold Steady bring it consistently thoroughly and they won’t drop the ball on Craiggers tonight. This one is a lock (plus, you get to enjoy the giant-headed antics of Rainn Wilson first).

ERECH: Jimmy has another Friday nite all-mutant outing, or at least we know he finally got his flux capacitor working. Have any of those guests even legitimately worked at all this decade? (pssst - the real answer is no!)

Brendan Fraser barely works at all the last 4 years, and now I can’t turn around without seeing him in something awful. 2 horrible overly CGI’d messes in as many months? I kinda like the guy, but honestly, if this is what we get when he gets to head a vehicle, then I can’t say I’ll be sad to see him disappear for another 4 years. Shoo.

Finally, Jay and the Coz? Almost worth sitting through Jay to watch. And then pass out. Because of all the liquor it took to sit through Jay. You know, like, because it was a lot. That is unless JB Smoove gives us another episode of his Little Give, because that stuff is gold. Otherwise though, bottom that bottle out kids, bottom it out.

Don’t you pass out yet though, faithful readers! LNT might be done for the week, but you can always keep the magic going straight through into the weekend by playing along at home. That’s right, you can be an unauthorized deputy of the Late Night Thing offices, and all you need is a television, some booze, and a little bit of hate.

And a local Fox affiliate too.

Every Saturday night, you too can be an LNT’er and tune in to Talk Show w/ Spike Feresten, and berate, belittle and begrudge guests and hosts alike, trying hard to convince yourself why you should or shouldn’t be watching the show to begin with - it’s just that easy!

To help you get started, we set one of our Thing interns down to the Fox lot to find out who was going to be the guest this week, and after we finally posted bail, we found the answer was comedian Maz Jobrani! “Who?!” you say, and to that LNT offers, “No idea!”. But that’s just the fun of LNT, now you can go out and find out who he (or she) is, and then decide beforehand why watching it would be a bad idea. PRESTO CHANGO and ALAKAZAM!

Now a bit of warning, you’re probably not going to start off at the level of Thingery that Stephan and Erech are at, but that doesn’t mean you should give up. Just stiffen up that bottom lip, tuck your shirt back in, and be back next Monday to see how the pro’s do it - and maybe someday you can be a for real Late Night Thing co-host.

Well, probably not, but maybe. Doubtful, but possibly. Ok, never.

In the meantime, read THE LNT ARCHIVES!