37 weeks of this.

This being Late Night Thing. From its inception, Late Night Thing has been about us watching funny people talking to celebrities about nothing. Yes, the skits and the monologues are the best part of the shows (well, maybe not the monologues), but those are of a fairly consistently quality depending on the host. Sure, Dave circa 92 is different than Dave circa 2006, but 2006 Dave is virtually identical to 2008 Dave, and the same with everyone else. Talk show evolution may be initially rapid, but it quickly slows to a glacial pace. What we do then is based solely on the guests. The format is roughly the same for each show, and you, our beloved readers, already know what you’re going to be watching in general. The specifics are why we exist. Perhaps, you don’t find Penelope Cruz attractive (probably because something is wrong with you), so you would have missed Dave ribbing her accent. Y’see, we’re here to help, if by providing nothing more than a one stop shop for all the guests each week. Now, we’re at a crossroads of sorts.

Many of our readers would like us to add talk radio to the roster. Yes, none of these talk shows happen at night, which means that if we do want to move forward, we stand a good chance of losing our focus. But, at the same time, we’re all about our readers (we’re like Bon Jovi that way), and we know you guys and gals need to get through the workday, and what better option than talk radio?

Ultimately, losing our focus or becoming hypocrites, doesn’t mean anything (we just don’t care), but we’re not sure if we have the time to invest in this. The Late Night talk shows are 60 minutes long, but radio talk shows tend to run in the 3 hour range. We just plain don’t have time to keep up with all of them. Also, neither of us care about Stern at all. Sorry. We know you guys love him, but neither of us get it. At all. We would like to reiterate that - it’s not that we hate it, we just don’t get it (please don’t hate us, Stern fans, we probably don’t hate you). Anyways, dear readers, we’re willing to learn. Please let us know. Should we branch out? Would it be too much? Are there any talk shows you’d like us to investigate? If so, send us links (and jpegs if you’re ladies), and continue on as we guide you through the nightside of the talk show game:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ben Stiller, the Jonas Brothers
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Seth Rogen, Fleet Foxes
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - America Ferrera, Judd Apatow, Dwayne Perkins
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Cheryl Hines, Harry Shearer, Jamie Lidell
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Mel B, Does It Offend You Yeah?

STEPHAN: This’ll be a dynamite Scots tonight. Cheryl Hines is a very attractive lady and that’s what Craiggers lives (lived?) for. After some awkwardly adorable flirting, Harry Shearer comes out. He may be a huge blowhard now, but in short bursts he can be quite entertaining. Let’s hope Cheryl is on long enough to ensure we get the short burst Shearer. Finally, Jamie Lidell rounds out the show. He’s a white guy from En-guh-land. Wikipedia says he’s classified as soul, funk, electronica, and experimental, but that he had a song on Grey’s Anatomy (a show renowned for its use of experimental music).

ERECH: Leno has the Jonas Bros on, and I’m almost tempted to tune in to find out just who they are. I’ve heard their name bandied about enough the last few months, I never listen to the radio (sans WFMU and the occasional NPR over the weekends) or watch Mtv or any of that, I mean literally never. Ever. So I have no idea why I know who these people are, that I have no idea who they are. Maybe it’s time I found out, after all, one should know the face of his enemy, yeah?

I’ve been bordering on this on and off for a bit, but after seeing Rogen whoring over the weekend on Fox with some Family Guy tie-in, I think I might be done with the guy. If nothing else, he very quickly wore out his welcome with me. And this is considering the fact that Super Bad and Knocked Up were 2 of my favorite movies last year. But then he goes to work with Kevin Smith, and then makes this stoner doofus Pineapple Express, both of which are movies that not only will I never see (unless on accident or in some strange malicious gambit that would either mean losing my leg or a digit), but will at the very least probably not even see them that way. Take a year off Seth, write some stuff, and keep your big dumb hairy face off my TV for awhile so I can like you again. Please?

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Robert Downey Jr., Anna Faris, Toby Keith
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kelly Ripa, Steve Coogan, Spiritualized
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Sharon Osbourne, N*E*R*D
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Regis Philbin, Paula Patton
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Rosie Perez, Brandon T. Jackson, Tyga

ERECH: I get the impression that Toby Keith may be more than the musical act on Leno tonight, what with his magnum opus coming out this friday, Beer For My Horses. What a failure pile that’s gonna be, but I’ll get to that later in the week when he’s on the Scot. In the meantime, I’d say Leno might be ok tonight, if only to see Downey Jr. AND to see him just give Jay dirty look after dirty look whenever Jay makes some Beavis & Butthead peepee innuendo during the interview.

Conan is a misser tonight. I hate how he has to do these NBC strokejobs every so often, letting freaks like Osbourne or Hasslehoff on, just because they have shows on NBC that NBC wants to promote. If you’re struggling for guests, at least do it with obscure mutants, not well-known and hated mutants we’ve already gotten enough of - and hey, isn’t it time Late Night found a replacement for the dearly departed Michael Jackson anyways? (no, not that one - THIS one!) Conan shines like a diamond with crazies like Jackson (R.I.P.), AND any time Conan gets to be around booze is fun too. Oh, this move to the Tonight Show seems more and more like a bad idea to me with every week it sooner approaches. YIKES.

STEPHAN: Are Regis and Kelly doing a movie or something? Otherwise, both of them shouldn’t have to be out on the circuit. I guess I shouldn’t complain, Regis is a class A talk show guest, and Kelly Ripa makes for a great Dave foil (there’s going to be a lot of Regis bashing tonight). Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention musical guest Spiritualized on Dave tonight. That one is a recording situation, if ever there was one. J Spaceman brings the thunder.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jack Black, Conor Oberst
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Penelope Cruz, Randy Newman
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Javier Bardem, Danny McBride, the B-52s
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eddie Izzard, Colin Hanks
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Luke Wilson, Eliza Dushku, Matt Harding, Rev Theory

STEPHAN: Dave and Conan going to be great tonight, obviously, (Here’s hoping Dave gets Penelope to say ‘dinghy’ again.), but Craiggers has a lot of potential. Eddie Izzard and Craiggers together could be a comedic juggernaut, or just a regular juggernaut bludgeoning all us viewers in the head with accents and forced hilarity. Colin Hanks may then serve as a light dessert or just too much after the volcano of ‘wit’ the first half of the show is comprised of. We shall see. Oh, and if there aren’t rumors that Luke Wilson and Eliza Dushku are dating after tonight, I think we’re all going to be a little disappointed.

ERECH: Jimmy has Luke Wilson on, and judging from last weeks LNT, who I apparently cannot tell the difference between him or his brother on paper. Luke, Owen, only one of them I like and makes regularly interesting stuff - even though they both make a lot of paycheck flicks it seems like only one of them actually uses those paychecks to funnel into cool things. And that’d be Owen, who I am glad is not dead. Luke, I can take or leave.

Penelope Cruz is insanely pretty, if you’re not convinced yet just go rent Volver and then come back and tell me she’s not without getting punched in the throat. PLUS, she’s actually a super talented actress too, which is not always the case with the pretty faces. I mean Angelina Jolie, right? Probably not a straight guy in this country would kick her out of the sack, but that EXACT same amount of people would also never fully sit through any of the last 11 movies she’s made either. I mean how awful was she in Wanted? (pssst - the answer is lots!) Does she even actively make good movies at all? Why exactly does she get paid so much per flick, when clearly her addition to any movie is less of a boon and more of a burden. She’s awful. So to sum this up, tonight Dave is good. Plus, one of Tom Scharpling’s favorites will be on after that, which means maybe we’ll get to hear the kid tear into Newman on this weeks Best Show - yay! I mean that Newman guy, wowzers, he’s awful. Wait, isn’t the theme to Monk by Randy Newman…?

Speaking of Scharpling - Tom, if you’re ever serious about making a comic book, I’d be personally offended if I wasn’t at least on your short list of people to do the drawerings for it, let alone the actual person who did. Short meaning that I’d be somewhere between the 11th and 18th name, yeah? Seriously though, drop me a line Tommy. Me and you, we’d make a difference with things, we really would.

Oh yeah, and Javier Bardem on Conan should be awesome, WATCH IT!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Nick Nolte, Solomon Burke
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kiefer Sutherland, Rumer Willis, Alejandro Escovedo
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Seth Rogen, Al Green
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jack Black, Kate Mara, Conor Oberst
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - James Franco, Tommy Lee, From First to Last

ERECH: Nick Nolte? Really? That has to be a typo. Maybe it’s supposed to Nick Cannon, although again, that can’t be right either. Sheesh.

Letterman vs Rumer Willis should be exceptionally charming - Dave has a fondness for and a good bond with the Willis family, so I think he’ll help her (in what I think is her first major talk show appearance) adjust to sitting on a couch and promoting her crappy movie in the way that only a pro like Dave can. Good stuff.

STEPHAN: Everyone should make sure to tune into Craiggers tonight. Kate Mara is a billionaire heiress, and I promised to endorse any billionaire doing anything (someday this is going to pay off). Plus, Ms. Mara is not only easy on the eyes, but her great-grandfather on her mother’s side is Art Rooney (guy who founded the Pittsburgh Stillahs) and on the other side, her great-grandfather Tim Mara founded the Jints of New York (So she has more Super Bowl rings than anyone else on the planet). Plus, she was in an episode of Ed, so taking all that together makes her the #1 person in America (and probably #2 or #3 worldwide). It’s going to be a good one, people.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Scarlett Johansson, Luke Ford, Chris Cornell
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Donald Trump, Dwayne Kennedy
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Gaffigan, Mason Jennings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Toby Keith
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ben Stiller, Danica McKellar, Airbourne

STEPHAN: I like Jim Gaffigan and Danica McKellar is good at racing (You go, girl!), but otherwise, it’s a typical Friday. The networks know you’re supposed to be out drinking and cavorting (that’s what they’re doing), so they pretend it’s the mid-90s and let Trump and Toby Keith and Chris Cornell do whatever it is they pretend to do. You’ll could at least sneak a bellyful of gin into Batman or something.

ERECH: I’m really probably not going to watch anything tonight. Short of Johansson actually ever getting naked in something, I’ve just got no interest in most of the stuff she does anymore. She’s stuck in that phase where she thinks doing bad english accents or starring in third rate English Patient clones will win her the respect of the Hollywood community, the way her making movies like The Perfect Score and The Island never did. The problem with that plan is, not only will you never impress your peers with that, but you’ll also never impress movie-goers either, who will just see it for what it is, you trying to make Oscar grab flicks that are COMPLETELY UNWATCHABLE. Or crap like The Spirit. Either route fails, so choose better roles lady.

Dave has Donald Trump, who is so awful he’s not even interesting to watch. He’s just awful. I hate everything about the guy, right down to the contempt he must have for all of us to publicly go out looking the way he does time and time again. Other than adding wrinkles to his facial repertoire, the guy looks exactly the same as he did in 1998 and 1988 too. What a putz. But who is more of a putz, him for cashing in on it, or us for letting him? Say no to Trump in ‘09 people, just say no.

Kiefer Sutherland is another person who I don’t understand how he gets work. When are you nerds gonna wake up to the fact that 24 is just awful, nothing else but. Everyone I know who watches that show, does so religiously, BUT always with some kind of apologetic disclaimer. Kinda like everyone I knew who watched Alias. Or Veronica Mars. Just cop to the fact you like crap, and the world will relate to you all that much better. I mean is there any chance you people are telling me the truth when you say to me straight-faced that Battlestar Gallactica is the best show on TV?

Blech.

And to sum this night up, apparently the hillfolk of America didn’t get the message when movie-goers sent Larry the Cable Guy packing with his last 2 movies. Nobody bought that, and nobody is going to buy Beer For My Horses, a movie that literally stars Toby Keith - the Ford Tough man. Also, TED NUGENT. The only way this movie could get any worse was if Kelsey Grammer (who also stars in the upcoming masterpiece An American Carol - which we will get to making fun of here at LNT SOON enough…) was in it too. Don’t believe me, then watch this trailer.

You believe me now though, don’t you? That movie is making 4 million, tops. Bet.

At least today is my birthday though, so I won’t even have to pretend to watch all this awful badness, because I will be super passed out by now, either thanks to my jugs of wine or my handfuls of Tylenol PM. Happy Birfday 2 mae!

Happy Birthday indeed. And while Erech is sleeping off his day of celebration, Stephan will be back at the LNT Lab, concocting jokes, anecdotes and tales for all you faithful reader(s) for the next episode of Late Night Thing.

Sure, many internet sites can offer commentary about something AFTER it airs, but how many sites out there tell you how something is going to be, before it’s even on, and are right about it too? That’s right friend, not many.

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