41st Week and a bonus to celebrate:

It’s a short week (for everyone but Scotsmen), and school is starting up as well, so we don’t want to inundate all our young fans with extra reading. Instead, we’ve got stuff for you to listen to. American Hero Norm Macdonald has appeared several times on the Dennis Miller radio program, and the good folks at FakeNews.net have been dutifully putting those appearances up on the Youtubes for all of us to enjoy. While they’re all winners, some are more winner-y than others, here’s the highlights:

Norm discusses the writer’s strike and Dog, the bounty hunter:

Norm has written a poem:

Norm discusses Isiah Thomas’s legal woes (and, of course, Rhoda):

Unfortunately, Norm isn’t on any of the shows this week, but there’s some solid stuff this week anyways, so scroll on down as we guide you through the week:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jack Black, Caroline Gurtz, Conor Oberst
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Penelope Cruz, Danny Way, Randy Newman
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Steve Carell, Alyson Hannigan, Duffy
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julie Bowen, Jonathan Winters, Priscilla Ahn
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Don Rickles, Maurice Greene, The Game

STEPHAN: Julie Bowen is either that lady from Ed or Dexter’s girlfriend. I’m not sure which, but either way, she’s good watching. Plus, Craiggers is the only non-rerun tonight, so tonight the Scot is not a bad opt(ion). (Sorry ’bout that, it’s been a long week.) Of course, the reruns are not terrible options tonight (for once). For example, the Zone has Steve Carell (still coasting on his turn as Brick Tamland) followed by one of the better Scoobies (quite possibly the best of the bunch) making for a fine way to pass an hour on the end of the long holiday weekend.

ERECH: It’s funny, everyone is going with reruns tonight but the Scot. Does that mean Fergie is the hardest working guy in late night then, because I think he might be.

As reruns go though, you can’t miss with Dave tonight. Penelope Cruz is amazing, that’s all there is to it.

And Rickles on Kimmel is always a good time too if you’re up for it. I know I will be.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Russell Brand, Eva Longoria Parker, Ingrid Michaelson
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Nicolas Cage, Anna Torv, Terrence Howard
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jarod Miller, Jason Lezak, Ra Ra Riot
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Katey Sagal, Nathan Fillion
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Jo Frost, Taye Diggs, Judas Priest

ERECH: Russell Brand is doing the rounds this week, I guess in support of his Mtv hosting gig (music awards, movie awards, something awards?), which is ok for me because I kinda like his bizarre sarcastic tone. Plus, I’m on the fence whether I actually really like the guy at all, certainly by looking at him I shouldn’t. And I do judge books by their covers, damnit. But like I said, he has a certain caustic charm, and he’s a limey too (which we all know I have a weakness for…), so I guess we’ll all know after this week how I really feel about Mr. Brand. uh oh!

Letterman is gonna be weird tonight. 2 people I don’t care about (and trust me, I can go off for 5 days about how bad Cage’s new movie looks too…) into musical guest TERRENCE HOWARD?! Yes, musical guest. Apparently Terry was drinking the same kool-aid as LiLo and ScarJo and decided he could put out an album too, and nobody told him not to. I’ve COMPLETELY avoided listening to any samples of his album up to this point, not because I have anything against R&B or anything like that, it was just fear. Because I kinda like Howard. But I may not after tonight.

Wow, tonight is a lot of make and break for me and the celebs, huh?

STEPHAN: Jarod Miller is the 12 year old animal expert that Conan verbally abuses until one of the animals escapes and wildly roams the studio. Even though it’s the exact same thing each appearance, I find it to be wildly entertaining. Plus, the next two guests appear to be using pseudonyms or, possibly, the hurricane caused a lot of bookings to cancel and The Zone just picked some people out of the audience. Either way, it’ll be something different.

Competing against wild animals and homeless people, Craiggers has the best theme night possible going. Leela, the one-eyed spaceship captain (and former John Locke flame) is going to be followed by Captain Mal, who, yes, captains a spaceship. The only way this hour could be better is if Patrick Stewart (preferably in full Extras mode) shows up unexpectedly.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Billy Bob Thornton, Brian Wilson
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Dr. Phil McGraw, Tilda Swinton, Tricky
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Nicolas Cage, Vivica A. Fox, Delta Spirit
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Maria Bello, Steve Hofstetter
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Russell Brand, Christina Hendricks, Young Jeezy

STEPHAN: Christina Hendricks might possibly be the hottest woman on television right now (just ask Captain Mal). She’s at least the hottest woman on TV’s most boring show, if, of course, we’re only counting actual shows.
Seriously, people who make Mad Men, your show looks fantastic, but can’t things that are interesting happen on the show? Quiet desperation may be powerful, but you’re not making art, you’re making television. Yes, shows can transcend television to become art, but they are still television first. The Sopranos may have zigged when people thought it would zag, and huge blowups would end with a strained family dinner, but they set themselves up so that people thought they were going to zig in the first place. Things actually happened on the show, characters progressed (or more often regressed), or at least forced other characters to do so. It wasn’t just static shots showing off meticulous set/costume design. Even so, it looks like Kimmel’s the winner tonight. Well, he would be the winner if anyone else can be the winner when Dave’s making fun of Dr. Phil at the same time.

ERECH: Jay is running his all-crazy line-up tonight, Billy Bob into BWil. How awesome would it be to be backstage at the taping of The Tonight Show tonight? (pssst - the answer is lots more than it would be to actually watch the episode!)

Conan is going to be too painful for me to watch tonight. Despite people who count The Weatherman and Lord of War (and I do NOT!), Cage hasn’t made an even watchable movie in over 6 years (Adaptation), with quite a few years before that when he’d done it previously. I tried watching that National Treasure movie the other night, because I apparently hate myself, and I just… nope, couldn’t do it. I mean, no matter the role or the character, the era or the motivations, all his characters look like gay Elvis impersonators. All of them. Gay Elvis impersonators with a manufactured bad receding hairline - do you get that, the insanity of it? He has had his hair surgically altered to appear to look like a bad hairline, because he’s just vain enough to want to keep his the hair he has, but without going so far as to pretend he has had hair all this time, or as we call it around here - “Pulling A Piven“. Either way, I just don’t get it. Or at least I don’t get it anymore. I loved Leaving Las Vegas when it came out, and for many years after. I even thought I enjoyed Con Air too. Looking back, I doubt they’d hold up very well. Or more likely, like George Lucas has done to Star Wars, I just retroactively cannot even stand the guys previous films anymore either.

Plus he named his kid Kal El. And for that, fuck you Coppola, just fuck you.

AND Vivica Fox?! What a bloviated bunch of worthless these two are. And Conan’ll kiss all their asses all night even. No and thanks.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Howie Mandel, The Game
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Robin Williams, Shannen Doherty, Duffy
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Dr. Phil McGraw, Adele
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kal Penn, Paulina Porizkova, Amy McDonald
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Aaron Eckhart, Metro Station

ERECH: Watching Jay and Howie together is a practice in sadism. These two guys deserve to be on tv as much as they are about as little as humanly possible. Stephan and I should have a show before the gods of the telly let Howie loose 5 days a week with his show. And Jay, while sure I guess he has earned his stripes and all, but can you imagine him being allowed to have a show if he were to come up now? Not to mention they’re both pretty insufferable. If you feel like you need to hate something tonight, watch these two jagoffs fake-laugh each other to death tonight, blah.

Letterman looks good tonight though. Williams is crazy, and probably unwatchable as usual, but he’s been spreading his comedic wings a bit and branching out all over the country the last year or so. Popping up in night clubs here and there, going to open mics and hanging out with some cool, funny young comics. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, he’ll do more than his “manic gay tap-dance into black guy from Harlem” routine that he usually does. Or not. Doesn’t matter, because the show is gonna be on the B guest tonight, because Dave has no tolerance for these uppity young starlets, and he’ll definitely drag Doherty through the mud some for all her past nonsenses. How she acts will make or break this episode.

STEPHAN: Erech’s right, our show would be at least as entertaining as whatever Howie Mandel is up to. So what if fully one third of the episodes would just be footage of us playing that drinking game we invented (whilst watching Face/Off, take two shots every time you’re unhappy, three shots each time you realize you’re incapable of recognizing happiness, and finally you have to do a little dance [preferably a little cowboy dance] if you catch yourself enjoying the movie) with our guests. Sure, that’d be terrible television, but it’d be no worse than Mandel’s briefcase show.

Oh, and Two-Face is still alive, right? I mean, yeah, Batman knocked him off that roof, but they already faked Commissioner Gordon’s death, so thematically, faking Two-Face’s death makes sense too. Plus, who else is left as a villain? Batman can’t just start fighting Lex Luthor or Magneto (although he probably has contingency plans to beat both of them).

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Eva Mendes, Ethan Bortnick, Shinedown
• The Late Show with David Letterman - John Malkovich, Hayden Panettiere, Steve Earle in tribute to Warren Zevon
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jerry O’Connell, Christian Lander
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Russell Brand, Jamie Lidell
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Sarah Jane Morris, LeBron James, Black Kids

STEPHAN: Gold medal winner LeBron James is on Kimmel tonight. Get used to it folks, come 2010 he’s either playing for the Knicks or the Nets and we’re going to be seeing his face everywhere. Personally, I hope he ends up with the Knicks and that the Knicks don’t fire D’Antoni before he gets there. LeBron and Mike D’Antoni would make an awfully formidable team that would also be fun to watch. That could make up for those horrible-to-watch Riley Knickerbocker teams.

ERECH: Another okay Friday night. Malkovich is a rare treat on the talkies, and going on Dave is the one to do it if you’re not gonna do it very often.

Jerry O’Connell is pretty insufferable and all, but he’s a good late night guest, and’ll be fun on The Zone for sure.

And if you think I am missing Brand on Craiggers, well then you don’t me very well at all.

Of course I’ll be nice and soused up by then, so I am sure it’ll be the best television ever. EVER.

And with that closed, we’re gonna pack it up this week at Late Night Thing. Coming next week is of course the not-so-official start of the fall television season, mostly leading the charge will be completely unwatchable fare from Fox. BUT, there is hope after that, that we might get some good stuff going.

What comes with that good stuff though is a better level of guests on the talkies. And that means a better level of commentary here at LNT. Yes, it is a bizarre symbiosis between the boys here at the Thing and the celebutards of America, one which even Stephan & Erech are not fully comfortable with exploring fully. Sure, without them, there would be no LNT. And as we already know, nobody wants that. However, if it were simply possible to trim the fat from some of the celebrity steak, that’d be nice too. Maybe eliminate a couple of the basic cable channels outright, and definitely preemptively cancel Christian Slater’s new NBC show, because there is no way that’s gonna fly. No way.

After that though, we’d add some seasoning, maybe marinate it all for awhile, then toss it on the grill for no more than 2 minutes a side. Mmm, now that’s some good tv.

LNT - And just why exactly does Amy Sedaris not have her own show yet??

THE LNT ARCHIVES