Week 42: The Killing Time at Work Editions

The stress of pretending to be an adult for eight hours a day can be soul-crushing, and the only real way to thwart that is killing time effectively. There’s nothing better than that little bolt of joy you get when you realize you’ve just outwitted your horrible employer and even Time Itself. You’ve all no doubt got your standard time wasting toolkits open and ready to go at a moments notice, and we’ve got a shiny, new tool for you all. Okay, well, it’s not exactly new, but it is shiny. At least it will be until November:

Princeton’s Election Consortium

FiveThirtyEight - “Electoral Projections Done Right”

Barack’s Market Value

McCain’s Market Value

We realize that right now these links seem awfully staid, maybe even boring, sifting through data is all you do at work already, but just wait. Try again after five hours sifting of cubicle. Soon you’ll be Tivoing Morning Joe, Hardball, and The O’Reilly Factor and annoying coworkers with updates on the Udall-Schafer senatorial battle in Colorado.

Oh, and politics aren’t going to help you sleep at night, so here’s some Late Night Television Run-Down to help you there too:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Michael Phelps, J.B. Smoove, Kardinal Offishall featuring Akon
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Keira Knightley, Thomas L. Friedman
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Howie Mandel, Nastia Liukin, Bon Iver
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Neil Patrick Harris, Sophia Myles
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Don Cheadle, Emma Stone, Lady Antebellum

STEPHAN: Theme night! NBC’s theme is desperately trying to remind us that we watched the Olympics this summer on NBC in the hopes that we’ll all continue to watch their fine, fine programming (even if it’s all terrible until 30 Rock comes back October 30), while CBS offers up gifted author paired with a super hot, waifish British actress. Advantage, CBS. Jimmy’s competing with a rerun comprised of two very likable people who are either grossly underused or stuck in terrible movies (ex. The Rocker for Ms. Stone and Swordfish for Mr. Cheadle) rounded out by a country music parody outfit. Still Advantage CBS (although I do find Lookin’ for a Good Time to be a particularly humorous mockery of contemporary country music).

ERECH: Another week with more than 3 episodes of any single show I will be watching - this is a surplus of tv!

Jay Leno is looking surprisingly good tonight, despite the fact they won’t let go of the Olympics. Lil’ Mikey Phelps has more bling than Lil’ Wayne, and maybe we’ll get some new insight into what all of that means for a young man, especially one with all this insane amount of international fame. Or we’ll just get Jay making boobie innuendo as usual, snickering as he pokes Phelps about how the girls must love him now or something crude like that. HOWEVER, the real treat tonight will be J.B. Smoove hopefully bringing us some more of his “Little Give” - or something equally as funny. That’s one thing Conan doesn’t have going for him, and almost really never has had either, on the street segments. It’s a rare occasion when you see anyone from Late Night do any segments out of the studio, hopefully that is an issue of budgetary concern, because once The Zone moves to 11:35, he’s gonna need a new bag of tricks which features some street antics, yeah?

Anyways, Leno also has Kardinal Offishall, and I am greatly looking forward to his new album - which comes out very soon. Or is possibly out already (it could even be out tomorrow for all I know). Although Akon singing the chorus means it might be awful too. WE’LL ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER THOUGH WON’T WE?

Speaking of 30 Rock, your man on the street (that’s me!) finally got around to watching Baby Mama over the weekend. It’s not great, there is no laugh every 2 minute ratio at all, but it’s not anywhere near bad either. There is a real charm and endearing feeling to it, and despite the parallels in tone to something like Knocked Up, I thought it was much closer to something like Elf with a touch of Nora Ephron. And if nothing else, it proves Tina and Amy are far and away ready for the big leagues, 2 funny girls getting it done! Also, given all the strange, great turns by the various co-stars (and this thing is packed from top to bottom with people, including two of LNT’s favorites, Brian P. Stack and Jon Mother Effing Glaser!), it was nice to see friend of the house Romany Malco steal the majority of the scenes in the flick. Hollywood, you need to give that man his own movie, or better yet some kind of buddy-epic with him and Paul Rudd. Seriously, Hollywood Chihuaha before Rudd/Malco?! Up yours, H’wood!

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jules Sylvester, Annette Bening, Leona Lewis
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jada Pinkett-Smith, Chris Russo, Michael Buble
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Keira Knightley, Tyler Perry, Bill Burr
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Russell Brand, Margaret Cho
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kobe Bryant, Tokio Hotel

ERECH: Annette Bening is pretty awesome. She chooses good roles to be in, she does really well in them, and she doesn’t always get a lot of press for them afterwards. She’s a workhorse, and a professional, and I’ll take the last 5 Bening flicks over every british epic drama that’s won an Oscar for the last 5 years any day of the week. American Beauty has its problem, but Bening’s turn in that is not one of them. So on the rare treat she is on a couch talking about stuff, I am gonna tune in - EVEN if it’s on Leno.

Craiggers gets his 2nd shot to sit and speak with the great Russell Brand tonight, after a last minute cancellation on the part of the Brand-folks last week. Which gives us a second here to check in on how I feel about Brand now, given my proclamation and query into it in the previous Thing. Verdict - I like him. Sure, there are douchebag things about him, but he is not a douchebag. And for my money, I am going to assume several of the things about him which are so unappealing, are probably actually part of his whole schtick, and therefore easily dismissed. Plus, he took a couple of monster dumps on Eva Longoria last week on Leno, and that’s just fine in my book. Just fine. Advantage Brand!

Also, I was almost excited for Yimmy until I realized I like the other Tokyo named hipster band, Tokyo Police Club. Boo to the Hotel.

STEPHAN:
I will never get tired of this video:

(Does she really say 10,000 pound fist? Really?) Remember to stay tuned for Dave’s reaction, its’ the cherry on the top of the happiest sundae in the world.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Matthew McConaughey, T. Boone Pickens, Al Green
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sen. Barack Obama, LeBron James
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, Gym Class Heroes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Alice Cooper, AnnaLynne McCord
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Martin Short, Solange Knowles

STEPHAN: While I love that NBC is countering Barack Obama and LeBron James with Matthew McConaughey, I am a little shocked however that they feel the need to have any other guests. It’s McConaughey, brah. What else do you need?

ERECH: Dave is going to be interesting tonight, and that’s mostly all I have to say about it. The fact Dave is generally a better outlet for political discussion with his guests than the likes of George Stephanopoulos or Tim Russert (RIP) are says a lot about mainstream political coverage in general, and Mr. Letterman’s acumen and intelligence specifically.

Following up with 50 Cent on Conan, and this is a good night for colored peoples. And if you think that previous sentence is as offensive as I can get, this next one is gonna really blow your mind. I actually like 50’s music now. I know, rite? Yeah, I mean, it took me FOREVER, I was in the same smug boat for years as any Rolling Stone editor or your Trembling Eagle, proclaiming “Fiddy” the end of a genre, but I came around recently and HARD. 50 fills a certain niche that is sorely missing in today’s hip hop, that being the actual thug. Sure, there are lots of guys who talk hard, and there are lots of guys who get caught doing dumb stuff, but how many of them are we really afraid of? T.I.? Bish, please. There is something in 50 that we need in this music sometimes though, that charming lunatic who makes songs just about killing or fucking things, accompanied by really good beats. I mean, you can’t listen to Kanye 24 hours of the day, yeah?

50, you’re out of the doghouse, and welcome at Murdershow HQ any time you want. Salute.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jamie Lee Curtis, Alejandro Escovedo
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jessica Simpson, Jack Hanna
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Lynn Ferguson, Lance Morrow
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Lauren Conrad, Tyrese, Glen Campbell

ERECH: Conan hasn’t finalized booking anything for tonight by the time we “go to press”, so screw him. Let’s talk about some other Conzie stuff then. Namely the greatness that is Pierre Bernard. If Pierre doesn’t come to Lost Angelus with the show next year I am going to be severely disappointed in everything I think I know. Look, I am sure the final word will be dependent upon if Pierre even WANTS to move to Cali, and sure, who wants to do that? But guys like Pierre have given this show the juice it has earned for itself over the last decade since Richter left, and to abandon that would be a real shame. Assuming there isn’t a good replacement in place for the things lost. Conan has a few months off, he needs to turn some tricks and make some new friends on the westside, and the UCB Jr. would be a good place to scout talent HINT HINT

Otherwise, tonight is kind of a snooze. That is unless Jamie Lee accidentally poops herself on Letterman that is.

STEPHAN: Dave making fun of Jessica Simpson while trying not to stare at her cleavage is almost as good as it gets. Jack Hanna not knowing anything about animals is a great way to finsih things up. This one’s going to be a winner, folks!

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Hugh Laurie, Dame Edna, Raphael Saadiq
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Ricky Gervais, Meg Ryan
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Eva Mendes, the Fab Faux
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Seann William Scott, Lena Headey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Terrence Howard, Michelle Monaghan, Darren Taylor

STEPHAN: Gervais has already moved to the making terrible “comedies” written by other people stage of his career. He started late, but he really picked up steam quickly. I can’t wait for next year when he and George Bluth are selling cornballers to foreigners on channel 1541. Gervais is still good on Dave though.

ERECH: I am ok with Gervais making bad paycheck movies, and I also am the only person I know who thinks Ghost Town might actually be a watchable and fun movie. After the last 3 months of Hellboy 2′s and SuperHitch’s, I sometimes wonder what just is exactly wrong with all my friends when it comes to having taste about things. Indiscriminately saying YES MORE to any movie adapted from a comic book, be it the awful mess that was Wanted all the way to your Art School Confidential’s too. Enough with the comic book movies already!

Finally, closing out the week, the beautiful Ms. Eva Mendes is on Zone time, and that’s gonna be a barnburner kids. Lots of flirting, her mashing her teeth as she lies to us all about whatever awful project she is in, and plus I just recently saw her naked in something (no, it was a classy thing, Vogue or GQ or something, sheesh!) so I am gonna be giggling like Jay Leno the whole time I watch tonight - because I saw her boobies! Not a bad way to close out a week at all, I say.

LNT packs up the bags and heads to the great television retreat in the sky for another week, only to be reincarnated the next with something great again!

What did we learn this week? Probably not much, or at least nothing much more than we have learned any other week. Craiggers tapes episodes days in advance, which might seem like cheating, but it still means he is doing 2 or maybe 3 episodes a day at some times. That’s hard work kids.

Jay flies to Vegas every Friday night and does shows for 3 nights on top of doing The Tonight Show generally 5 days a week.

Dave is the most involved with his show as possibly any of the hosts, reviewing tape of previous shows the way a football coach will in preparation for a game.

And Yimmy, that guy takes 3 day weekends and gets dumped by hot jewish chicks.

In closing, LNT knows that sometimes work IS better than play. Also, Saturday is the season premier of SNL, watch it kids so we can all talk about it next week. Consider it Thing assigned homework!

Until then, read the LNT ARCHIVES!