Episode 2.12

Let’s get this business out of the way first:

Worst Carson Daly Moment:

Jamie King and Carson trying to sell that abortion, Fan Boys. Just because her husband made some terrible movie doesn’t mean we need to hear Lady and Baron Boring talk about it for 10 minutes. Maybe the terrorists have some decent points after all.

Worst monologue joke:

“His first executive order as president was to get all the motherf***ing snakes off that motherf**ing plane.” (This was in reference to Obama getting on Air Force One.) Talk about effed out material. Hey, guys, our president is black! Aaaand, there’s this black guy that’s ostensibly an actor, but really he just shouts stupid things in front of a camera and spends the rest of the day playing golf. Do they have anything in common, other than their skin color and wallet size? They probably also have similar genitalia, but that’s about it. In fact, we’d even be willing to argue the skin color point. Yes, their skin is blacker than, say, ours, but is that really enough to justify making lames jokes tying the two together? Of course not. Ugh, ugh, ugh. C’mon, James!

Many of you have asked why we complain so much about Jimmy, so we might as well address it here. We think he’s great, but the show frustratingly devolves into the unfunny a lot more than is warranted. Conan and Dave often have the same lame monologues, but they also have consistently funny tropes to fall into. Dave gets old, crochety man ranting at politics and Conan deconstructs (to hilarious effect) the stupid bits his show features. What does Jimmy have to fall back on? His wacky family members? It’s a trap, Jimmy, don’t fall into that hole! You’re the host! You’re a funny guy, it’s time to step up and make that show your own. You’ve been on for seven years (7!!!), and most of the people who bother e-mailing, keep asking why we take you to task, but ignore Carolla. Then we have to explain that you have your own show with the Aceman and he’s busy with that morning radio show (Remember, we flirted with covering his show, but you all wanted us to keep LNT pure, so we kept away from the morning talky talk.) anyways.

So, Yimmy, this is your time to shine. Dave’s going to re-up his contract and murder Conan (count on it), so Fallon’s going to be starting in a double hole, and you’ve got a big opportunity to carve yourself a nice big hole. Step up and assert yourself, buddy. We’re all rooting for another Late Night Hero, and you’ve already got a comfortable groove, so let’s do this. We do like Fallon, but everything is lining up for you to bury him like Dave is going to bury Conan. You’re the only one who can hold yourself back now.

Well, folks, Conan is running down in New York so you’re not going to want to miss those eps, but really it’s a pretty good week all around the horn (obviously we’re not counting Carson), so join us as we take you through the Late Night Televisual week of February the Ninth:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Simon Baker, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, Duffy
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Naomi Watts, Danny McBride, The Von Bondies
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Clive Owen, Judah Friedlander, Brett Dennen
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Michael Clarke Duncan, Richard Zoglin, Adele
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Mickey Rourke, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Michael Strahan, Morgan Murphy
• Last Call with Carson Daly - T.I., Sam Sparro

STEPHAN: Clive Warren is fighting a bank, guys, watch out! He’s a good actor, good enough that Karl Pilkington almost knows his name, yet he’s out promoting a movie about a bank that kills people to keep its secrets intact. Shouldn’t that be a Harrison Ford movie from 2002 or at least a Nic Cage movie from 1995? Either way, when he’s done with that nonsense, we get some Judah Friedlander magic at least. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Yimmy is a rerun, but it’s a good’un. That whole lineup is strong and Morgan Murphy especially kills it (per usual).

ERECH: Jay has a pretty bad line-up that I bet he’s mildly proud of, smug prick that he is. Simon Baker is on some show and knows Naomi Watts, because apparently all Australians in Hollywood kick it or something. Heidi and Spencer are worth a few laughs in the hands of a host more skilled than Jay - here, they’ll just be annoying. And Duffy, wasn’t she from American Idol or something?

Speaking of Naomi Watts, Dave has her on tonight. Snooze. The real treat will be seeing Danny McBride say funny stuff (and also Dave talking about Sports Illustrated ladies too - hubba hubba!).

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Bill Maher, Viola Davis, Raphael Saadiz
• The Late Show with David Letterman - US Airways Flight 1549 crew, Heartless Bastards
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Norm Macdonald, Gordon Ramsay, Levon Helm
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Sean “Diddy” Combs, Olivia Williams
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Josh Brolin, contestant from “Dancing with the Stars”, the Little Ones
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Adele

ERECH: Thanks Jimmy, good to know we’re so disposable to you that just any contestant from Dancing With the Stars will suffice. God, is that show back already too? Didn’t Phyllis Diller just die on there like a week ago or something? At least we have Celebrity Apprentice to look forward to returning soon too - Andrew Dice Clay vs Donald Trump? I’m there. Too bad he’ll probably get kicked off the show about as fast as Gene Simmons did last year, thus ending my watching of that season as well. I’m saying it now, I’ll watch Apprentice this year as long as Diceman is on, not a moment longer. That’s a trainwreck I don’t wanna miss for even a second, no siree.

Dave will have a great show tonight, he’s really good at pulling off sentimental and uplifting episodes like this, but without all the saccharin and pomp. Thumbs up, Dave.

And if you’re Stephan & I, you’ll be starting this evening out Best Show style, as Tom will have Jon Glaser in the studio tonight to talk about his new Adult Swim show, Delocated, and lots of other funny stuff too I’m sure. Tom Scharpling. Jon Glaser. I dunno if it really gets any better than that? 8-11pm est @ WFMU.org - LISTEN!

STEPHAN: Norm! NORM! NNNOOOORRRRMMM!!!! Finally. When was the last time Norm was doing the talk show circuit? And that abbreviated run he did when his CD came out doesn’t count. Forever ago, exactly. This one is going to be a winner. Conan’s done soon, so expect some extra magic for this episode.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Amy Adams, Paula Abdul, Dierks Bentley
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Joaquin Phoenix, 2009 SSI Swimsuit Issue cover model, Anthony Hamilton
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Jimmy Fallon, TBA
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Steve Coogan, Connie Britton
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Andy Dick, Grant Show, the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Kevin Connelly, Krysten Ritter, Blind Pilot

STEPHAN: That’s a dynamite Ferguson lineup. Steve Coogan is not only a comedic genie-us, but he’s also English, which is Craigger’s wheelhouse. Then he’s followed by superfox Connie Britton. Craig finally has an age-appropriate Veronica Mars. Good times.

ERECH: I just watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade over the weekend, and got to thinking about the Phoenix family. Naturally my thoughts drifted to the wackiness of Joaquin, and all his business lately. I got irritated the longer I thought about him, as he’s not a great actor, and now that he’s running about doing his worst Zatch Gallifinakris impersonation, I like him less. Can’t we just cut these guys loose? Hopefully he has something funny or clever to say tonight on Letterman though, otherwise I’m pulling the plug for good. THE PLUG I SAYS!

Amy Adams is pretty and Paula Abdul is crazy. Leno, you’ve got my attention. Well done.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Bill Cosby, Alec Greven, Erin McCarley
• The Late Show with David Letterman - The Jonas Brothers, Chris Russo, Ashford & Simpson (sitting-In)
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Alec Baldwin, Eliza Dushku, They Might Be Giants
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Lewis Black, Shirley Manson
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Demetri Martin, Marisa Tomei, Mishka
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Jai Al-Attas, Tom Moon, the Sounds

ERECH: Leno into O’Brien is how it’s looking tonight. We’re getting down to a handful of Cosby appearances left for us all people, I’m telling you. Cherish them while we can. And good Baldwin into Duckshoot’s not a bad topper either, TMBG as musical guest seals the deal. The peacock wins one tonight, hands down.

Speaking of Conan, since we’re nearing the end here and I’ve been running through my brain thinking about all the great moments of the show through the years, trying to pick one to talk about here in the closing days. And I couldn’t, there has just been too many good moments. What I could do though was pick an era I loved the most, and that made picking really easy. Conan’s discovery of his resemblance to Finland President Tarja Halonen and subsequent invasion of Finland had to be some of the best and most epic Late Night there ever was. NBC are dicks, so it was hard to find good clips from that time, but hopefully this one will stay online long enough for you all to enjoy it too:

STEPHAN: If for some reason you don’t have NBC but you do have ABC, pretty good Yimmy tonight. Demetri has a fantastic new show on Comedy Central (H Jon Benjamin is prominently involved according to the commerials) and Marisa Tomei loves getting naked (and she’s well fit now), so it’s back to back magic at the El Capitan tonight.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Anne Hathaway, Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Annie Lennox
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Martha Stewart, Jake Johannsen, Matt Nathanson
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien - Isla Fisher, the Jonas Brothers, Dan Auerbach
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Tom Selleck, Glen Campbell
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Johnny Knoxville, Trisha Helfer, Mark Seliger
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Billie Piper, Jerome Flood II, Flobots

STEPHAN: Is Carson Daly in reruns again or is Billie Piper the only guest he can get? Maybe they’re banging? I thought he was married! And she’s English (or something accenty) too. Well, no matter, you’re better off turning off the television after the first part of the Zone or Craiggers tonight cuz both those shows start pretty strong and quickly fall apart.

ERECH: Dave sure loves him some Jake Johannsen, doesn’t he? Coupled with a Martha Stewart appearance, and Dave is sitting on top of the pile tonight.

The Scot is nothing to sneeze at tonight either though, as I’m an unapologetic Tom Selleck fan. Big time, BIIIIG TIME. I still own Runaway on Laserdisc just in case the format decides to come back! BIG TIME!

Late Night Thing concludes this week with this thought:

If you were a contestant on a show called Tool Academy and you actually went out and had a Tool Academy logo tattooed on to your body ON PURPOSE, shouldn’t you instantly be taxed for air from that moment on, and for the rest of your life too? We’re just sayin’ bro, you know, hypothetically and stuff.

Television just keeps getting worse, and then wonders why nobody wants to watch it anymore. It’d almost be sad if it wasn’t just so g’damned frustrating.

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