Week 67.

Well, folks, the economy is still terrible, and we, like most of you have not left our houses for days. It’s too expensive to even go outside. Luckily, TV understands our plight and is trying to do something about it by giving us something to do to trick our brains into thinking it’s fine to never leave the house. Jimmy Fallon’s emergence has slightly (ever so slightly) turned up the booking heat in the late night world which definitely helps, but regular TV is pulling some aces out too. Our pal Patton Oswalt (he’s not really our pal, but more of someone upon whom we don’t wish any specific harm) has spoken at some length about television you should be watching, but we’ve got some points of our own. That’s right, we’re not a blog, so we actually have content and not just links. We’re a real thing! A real thing!

Okay, so first up: Start watching Breaking Bad. It’s so, so good. Bryan Cranston won a much deserved Emmy last year, and he’s been even better this year, even though it’s only been two episodes, he’s bound for a two-peat. We understand you hate getting into a show that’s already going, and we do too. TViX (formerly TV Club, but imagine TVIX looking like the tWix logo, trust us, you’d join up just for the logo) doesn’t like to watch ongoing shows either, but this show is so good, you won’t want to wait. Plus, the first season was only seven episodes long (writer’s strike casualty), so you can be on board by giving up just one night of great TV watching.

Patton mentioned Delocated, and he’s absolutely right. Jon Glaser is America’s Greatest Hero as we’ve often proclaimed, so you already knew you should be watching Delocated. What Patton should have mentioned was Xavier: Renegade Angel. It’s produced by the same people who produce Delocated and it’s even weirder. It’s the type of thing that probably shouldn’t be on television. The graphics are designed to hurt the face, the jokes are too densely packed to fully appreciate in one watch. You’re going to have to work at it, but it’s probably worth it. We would recommend not mixing substances with Xavier until you’ve gotten into the groove of the show. Then if you still need to take it to the next level, have it, though we doubt you’ll need it.

Finally, remember last year when Gene Simmons was on Celebrity Apprentice? Appointment television, that was. This year they’ve got a new (and possibly better) Gene Simmons in Tom Green. That Canadian nutball is turning it out. Turning it out! We’re not endorsing Trump or any of the other knuckledragging mouthbreathers on that show, so as soon as Tom is gone, give it up, but for now, ENJOY!

Oh, and Kings wasn’t terrible. Ian McShane is good enough that nothing he’s involved with is inherently terrible, so if you still need things to watch give it a shot. Speaking of things to watch, we’re still going to take you through the Late Night, so scroll on down:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jim Norton, Randy Rogers Band
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Nicolas Cage, Rachel Maddow
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Gary Sinise, Colin Hanks, Public Enemy
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Regis Philbin, the Upper Crust
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Don Rickles, a special appearance by Regis Philbin, Ben Sollee
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Adele

STEPHAN: This is a really good night of guests. Julia “America’s Hottest/Talentedest Billionaire” is on Leno, Nic “I’ve Always Been Crazy, Seriously Try Sitting Through Vampire’s Kiss and That was Almost a Decade Before Face/Off” Cage and Rachel “I’m a Policy Wonk” Maddow should both be great on Dave tonight. Then Regis and Fergie should make for a pretty good hour of non-HD programming (How much are those GD HD cameras?).

ERECH: Jimmy2 might have too many powerful black musicians on his show for one night. I’m sure there is a rule about it somewhere. If not, well then that’s just a showing of how much our Muslim Overlord has changed things in America since taking office. Public Enemy with The Roots as their back-up band? That’s gonna be pretty damn amazing - set your tivo’s kids.

Carson has a super rerun on, and I’m pretty sick of making my joke about Adele (she’s the girl who ate Amy Winehouse!), so I’ll spare you. Although I guess I really didn’t, did I? Feh.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Portia de Rossi, D.L. Hughley, Soundtrack of Our Lives
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Julia Roberts, Bell X1
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Bill Paxton, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian, the Ting Tings
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Dropkick Murphys
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - “Dancing with the Stars” castoff, Chandra Wilson, Streeter Seidell and Amir Blumenfeld, Young Dubliners
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Josh Flitter

ERECH: I never said I was above easy jokes, so I’ll just get it out of the way. If Fallon is going to have the Kardashian ladies on tonight, I hope he bought couch insurance! (see, because they’re all built like brick poophouses! get it?!)

Jimmy2 also has Bill Paxton on, who doesn’t tend to be on a lot of talk shows, so I’m interested to see how this will go. Fallon, I’m in!

STEPHAN: Also, I like at least one Ting Tings song, so I’m in on Jimmy2 as well. Although I will be tivo-ing, then watching, Craiggers take on Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Is she the female Dwayne Johnson? He’s always great on SNL but then all of his movies are garbage. Well, The Rundown is pretty okay, and Southland Tales is a fascinating, entertaining trainwreck, but the fun version of Dwayne that sings Elvis songs on Conan and is willing to play The Rock Obama has never made it to big screen. By the same token, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a really good talk show guest. She’s funny and hot and always willing to play along, and then she’s on a middle-of-the-road sitcom on CBS. It’s kind of a bummer. We should have more funny ladies getting to be funny on TV.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Reese Witherspoon, Keith Olbermann, Naturally 7
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Craig Ferguson, Modest Mouse
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Clive Owen, Paul Teutul Sr., Vampire Weekend
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Steven Wright, Rashida Jones
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Andy Samberg, Ashley Scott, MSTRKRFT
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Kid Cudi

STEPHAN: Hard-to-beat Craiggers tonight, which is good for him because Jimmy2 has himself a pretty okay show. Paul Teutul is going to give Jimmy2 the option of riding a motorcycle or eating a motorcycle. It’s going to be mesmerizing. Oh, and Clive Warren will be there too.

What happened to real Jimmy’s booker? Andy Samberg is a number 1 guest? Really? And who is Ashley Scott? Is that an actor/actress from a WB show? An English footballer? Some sort of fitness model/wrestler? I have no idea.

ERECH: Dave has something of a busted show tonight. Craig is funny enough I guess, but not really good guest material. Especially since he’ll be on for an hour on his own show right after this, yeah? Modest Mouse are pretty run into the ground too as far as I am concerned, so consider this an unusually high Late Show YAWN for me. Coupled with the fact Dave and Craiggers are running reruns the next 2 nights after this (what’s up with that, CBS running golf or something?), and it looks like CBS is striking out a bit this week.

Now just imagine what it’ll be like when Conan comes back and Leno gets his own show at 10pm. Hope you’ve written us that 10k check already, Leslie Moonvest, because CBS is gonna get slaughtered in the fall. Guaranteed.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Teri Hatcher, John Cena, Kelly Clarkson
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Billy Crystal, Kara DioGuardi, a Top Ten List presented by Owen Wilson
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jaime Pressly, Steven Ward, Eric Church
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Will Ferrell, Jean-Michel Cousteau
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Megan Mullally, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, the Duke Spirit
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Adhir Kalyan

ERECH: Megan Mullally is pretty milfy, and the Duke Spirit are just good stuff, so Yimmy might be the place to be tonight. Won’t see those words typed here too very often either, so cherish it ABC.

Not much else to talk about tonight, so I’ll pat LNT on the back some. Watchmen’s 2nd week numbers are in, and it’s not good. Just a little over 18 million? Ouch. Many people seemed shocked to see this happen, but I should point out that our crack team of writers here at Late Night Thing called this and then some. Remember this from last week?

“We here at Late Night Thing don’t like to take shots at people, places or thing for no reason, but know this; that’s the last 55million that Watchmen is going to see. We promise you this. Our estimates were that that movie was either going to do HUGE numbers or AWFUL numbers, but then make almost no money after that.”

Scary, huh? Seriously, why don’t Stephan and I have our own show on the air yet? Seriously.

STEPHAN: Jaime Pressley is the best part of that Jason Lee show, but is that worth watching on Jimmy2? Probably. She and Young James can hint at how much she hates her dad by talking about her love of Hispanic dudes. She’s a super white lady from the south, so this might count as more than hinting. Why haven’t we let the South secede yet? While it would be a bummer to have to give up super hot chicks like Jaime, her boyfriend looks like DJ Caveman, so losing them both? Not so bad. A huge economic downturn seems like the perfect time to let the South go it’s own way. We could use the stimulus money to transfer people from the North that wanted to go South and vice versa. It’d be good for all of us. The Republican party has nothing going for it right now, so they’d probably be up for it too. How great would it be to never hear about Rush Limbaugh again? That alone would be worth it.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Seth Rogen, Guy Fieri, Chris Cornell
• The Late Show with David Letterman - David Spade, Richard Zoglin, David Sanborn and Sam Moore
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jason Segel
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jack Black, Conor Obers
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Portia de Rossi, John Cena
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Masi Oka, the Duke Spirit

STEPHAN: Remember how angry were all were when Freaks & Geeks got canceled? I figured we weren’t really going to see any of those people again. Now, Nick Andopolis and Ken Miller are so successful that they’re both “A” Guests on different talk shows on the same night. It’s a weird, weird world.

P.S. I hate everything Guy Fieri stands for. Stop putting him on television people.

ERECH: I was off the Seth Rogen train pretty hard, after a total saturation of the guy in some pretty crap movies lately. Not to mention the announcement of some even crappier ones down the line (Green Hornet, really? Can’t we just let that franchise die??). That said, I laughed like a weird jerk when I saw the trailer for Observe and Report before Watchmen last week, so maybe I’m not off the train after all. Jay Leno is kind of a jerk, as is Rogen, so The Tonight Show might be a winner.

For the first guest at least. After that, bail out, fast! The Guy Fieri guy is d-bag material and then some. He has a Nascar themed refrigerator - ’nuff said!

Another week down, and another week to look forward to.

Time for reader mail:

Barry in Englewood says:

“Hey, you guys should do a podcast. Nobody likes to read things”

No, nobody does. Sure, the boys of LNT have thought about doing a podcast in the past, and may even eventually do one in the future. But for now, the answer is, lern to reed internets.

Late Night Thing - Short outro this week.

LNT ARCHIVES