Week 68.

March Madness is on. We guess. Our bracket already imploded and we’re definitely not going to win the million bucks. So rejoice, intanets! You’ll get to read this thing for at least another year. Hoo-ray.

Ah, none of you care. The only news that matters is that David Letterman got married. Every article we’ve read about this uses the word “finally” like everyone was just waiting for this to happen. We’re genuinely surprised Dave pulled the trigger. Should we have been expecting this? Dave’s kid was born in 2003, so why now? This better not affect the show. Oh, and we guess, congrats Dave.

We’re befuddled enough that we’re just going to jump into the listings for the week:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Guys of American Idol, John Cena, Playing For Change
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Hugh Laurie, Bloc Party
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Regis Philbin, Kat Von D, Jon Glaser, Morrissey
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Paul Rudd, George Wallace
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Calista Flockhart, John Michael Higgins, Nick DiPaolo
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Melanie Fiona

STEPHAN: I Love You, Man is not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination, but Paul Rudd is a tour de force. He’s fantastically, consistently funny throughout. Will he be funny talking to Craig Ferguson tonight? Of course he will.

ERECH: Jimmy Fallon has Murdershow fave Jon Glaser on. He’s great. So is his show Delocated on Adult Swim. So great in fact, I had a little impromptu marathon running of it in my mancave over the weekend just because I giggle at it that much. If the phrase “skalocaust” doesn’t make you giggle too, then just get out. Go!

Horrible admission time. While I’m sure that I won’t ever actually end up seeing it, John Cena’s new movie doesn’t look so bad. In fact, I’d say that 15 year old me would definitely have gone to see it on opening weekend, guaranteed. Big dumb and likable lead, obvious slimy baddie (that d-bag Carcetti from The Wire!), and stuff blowing up because some lady needs saving or a partner was killed or a son/daughter was kidnapped - who cares why any of it is happening, as long as it is?!

Honestly, and again I’m not the one who is going to go see them, but there really aren’t enough Last Boy Scout’s and Commando flicks being made today. What happened America? We’re not that much kindler and gentler, lets get big strong guys who can’t act to blow up helicopters and cars and stuff again damnit!

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Condoleezza Rice, Bill Hader, PJ Harvey & John Parish
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Mary Tyler Moore, Blake Lively, White Lies
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Rachel Maddow, John Cena, Gambriella Cilmi
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Virginia Madsen, Jason Ritter, Chicago
• Jimmy Kimmel Live -”Dancing with the Stars” castoff, Zach Braff, Cheryl Hines, Charlie Wilson
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Chris Cornell

ERECH: Leno has to even out his Obama appearance last week by having one of the most awful people on the planet on his couch tonight. Blech. At least we can hope she says something offensive about albinos or something, so the conservatives will have nothing to complain about for like 45 minutes (at most) afterwards.

Later on the Peacock, Rachel Maddow will be on Fallon to weigh over the NBC bias some. And Maddow is another one of those polarizing types, either you love her or hate her. So polarizing in fact, that when you meet a new person, finding out which way that person feels about Maddow immediately lets you know whether you can actually be friends with them or not. (we’re not going to give the people who don’t know who she is any recognition here, because they simply do not count.) Everyone knows that Stephan & I of course do not care for her, but to be fair it’s not because we’re conservatives, but because we’re homophobes. Bam.

STEPHAN: From here on out Zach Braff’s name is now going to be “Dancing with the Stars castoff Zach Braff.” Oh, and that’s a pretty great Letterman lineup. Mary Tyler Moore is funny and Dave likes her, so that segment will be good. Then the next guest is someone “famous” (Famous enough that Dracsearch just explained that despite a first name of Blake, she is a she. Bleh.) for being pretty and too young to know who Letterman is. Those are always fun.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Halle Berry, Frank Caliendo, Prince
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Christina Applegate, Jim Gaffigan, Jesse Harris with Norah Jones
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Mike Myers, Anna Kournikova, All American Rejects
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Isabella Rossellini, Patrick Pedraja and Tucker Albrizzi, Ra Ra Riot
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - John Stamos, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Blue October
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Joe LoTruglio, Chris Cornell

STEPHAN: Jimmy Fallon is, for some reason, airing one of his test shows tonight. One of his test shows from 2002. Yeesh. Ignore that nonsense and watch Jimmy talk to Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew has a book out about celebrities and narcissism which normally would be good enough, but he’ll be talking about it sitting next to that preening hunk of wood, John Stamos. It’s going to be great. If you don’t like things getting uncomfortable, Isabella Rossellini is a delight and will be extra delightful talking to ole Craiggers.

ERECH: Speaking of The Last Boy Scout, I happened to watch that over the weekend. It was maybe one of my favorite movies in all the 90’s, with Bruce Willis not only setting the “burnt out L.A. cop” role standard, but also so completely overacting it that he destroyed any hope for any actor to ever get away with it again. Oh man, such dialogue gems as “The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?”, or when pressed what it would take to make Bruce Willis’ character scream in pain, he retorts “Play some rap music.”. MONEY!

Anyways, that movie has some plot holes you could drive a whale wearing rollerskates through, not to mention being one of the first movie roles for Ms. Halle Berry (SPOILER ALERT: she dies pretty early on after getting shot up by profession assassins!). She was pretty awful in this though, much like she is EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVERYTHING she has been in since, but she looks good doing it. Jay Leno is gonna be wildly inappropriate towards her tonight, because that is what he does to pretty ladies with nice bewbies. Coupled with that big jerk Frank Caliendo and his “impressions”, and the absolute insanity that is Prince, and Jiminy Cricket is The Tonight Show gonna be good old fashioned train wreck fun! WATCH IT!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Paul Giamatti, Emma Roberts, Prince
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jason Segel, Brian Kiley, U2
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Ray Liotta, Cheryl Hines, John Rich
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eva Longoria Parker, Neal McDonough
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ozzy, Sharon, Jack and Kelly Osbourne, Bobby Cannavale
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Iglu & Hartly

ERECH: Dave and Craiggers are pulling the Thursday and Friday night rerun thing again this week, dunno why. 5 day weekends must be nice. Maybe Stephan & I should just take Thursdays and Fridays off from now on too? Oh wait, no, we have a job to do.

GET IT TOGETHER LETTERMAN AND FERGUSON. Well… Dave is probably on some kind of honeymoon or something, but FERGUSON!!

Ahem.

Ray Liotta is pretty awesome, and looks like he’s gonna be pretty funny in that new Seth Rogen mallcop movie. Cheryl Hines is great too. Fallon, you win!

STEPHAN: Why did anyone decide we wanted an Osbournes anything? Their show got good ratings for cable the first season because it was a trainwreck. Now, VH1, MTV, and E! all devote their programming to trainwrecks. The Osbournes can’t possibly stand out. In fact, NBC already beat them to the variety show trainwreck with that Rosie thing last winter. I, for one, am going to be watching Kimmel to find out how they can possibly sell this thing because there is no way they can. I thought we agreed now that we voted for Obama that it was grownup time. What’s the deal, America?

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dana Carvey, Billy Mays, Prince
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Joe Torre, Demetri Martin, Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Ted Danson, N.E.R.D.
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Lauren Graham, the Damned
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Paul Giamatti, Jim Gaffigan, Keri Hilson featuring Lil Wayne
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Jack & Kelly Osbourne, Ben Harper & Relentless 7

STEPHAN: The Craig Ferguson rerun is the best way for you to spend your TV time tonight, although the green room feed over at Kimmel is going to be mesmerizing. Absolutely mesmerizing. Paul Giamatti and Jim Gaffigan hanging out with Lil Wayne? Maybe we are taking grownup time seriously.

ERECH: Jay has another episode tonight that on paper looks like a sure-fire loser, but I’m willing to bet will be damn entertaining. Hey, Dana Carvey hasn’t had the best post-SNL career, but he’s a good guy who shines like the brightest star on talk show couches. Billy Mays is just some big screaming jerk on tv, but I’m willing to give him a shot and see if he has anything of value to say. And then more Prince.

That’s a show to close out the week on for sure.

And there we go, Late Night Thing closing out yet another week of Mirth, Music and Mayhem! Oh wait, that’s not our motto. Late Night Thing; We’re here to believe you!

No, that’s not it either.

Late Night Thing; Watch this, dummy! Yeah, that’s it! And that’s why you come back each and every week, because you know you’re not too good to think you’re a dummy, and honest enough to admit that you are. And hey, we’re all dumb about something. Why, Stephan has never seen an entire episode of Ace of Cakes, while Erech has yet to kiss a real girl. See, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Speaking of strengths, it’s time to answer more reader mail.

Chuck G. in Philly wrote:

“If you had to pick a specific beer for each different talk show host, what would it be?”

Well we’re not 100% sure what your question is Chuck, but we think we’ve got it.

Leno is either Foster’s or Corona. For some reason both these beers are immensely popular and both are terrible. If you want Mexican beer, get some Negra Modelo, or Dos Equis, or even Tecate. All three are miles better than Corona. As for Foster’s, it’s brewed in Canada and people in Australia don’t even drink it. They drink Tooheys Extra Dry or Victoria Bitter or whatever is the favorite of their local state. If you’re drinking Foster’s, you’re drinking a bill of goods. Also, you’re dumb and you probably watch Leno.

Letterman is some sort of Double IPA. Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA, if we had to pick one. It’s a beauty of a beer, but it’s definitely not for everyone. Plus, the 18% alcohol by volume provides a proper kick in the face. Just like Dave dealing with some celebrity he hates (read: pretty much every celebrity that comes on his show).

Craiggers would have to be Old Chub. It’s the only Scottish ale either of us have ever had and the name sounds like something Craig would be into.

Jimmy Fallon would be a nice dessert beer. New Glarus Belgian Red, perhaps. It’s good, but not something you really want all the time. It definitely has it’s place though. Plus, it’s better if you let it age in the bottle for some time, and we can all see that Fallon needs some time in the sun to get to where he should be.

Jimmy Kimmel is a nice Sam Adams. Sure, it’s a bit of a macrobrew and it not as “cool” as some of the other choices, but it consistently gets the job done. Negro Modelo would probably be a better choice her considering the ethnic makeup of the cast of characters on the show, but we already mentioned it in the Leno section, so it wouldn’t be another good suggestion. It is a good beer though. Seriously, this Cinco de Mayo, if we see anybody drinking Corona they’re getting a Roger Moore judo chop to the sternum.

Carson is some kind of wine cooler, not even a beer, so there you go.

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