Week 69.

Well, we were right. Who watches the Watchmen? Pretty much no one. (Alternate: More like no one Watches, Man. [Even More Alternate: The movie is bad and you should feel bad.]) It’s been a month, so we might as well review this thing. We know we’ve always maintained that we only review things we like, but let’s pretend that we also always maintained that within the confines of LNT, we sometimes review things that we didn’t like.

LNT Official Watchmen Review

Let’s start from the top, the old person makeup was bad. Distractingly bad. Being a makeup person must be a bummer. If you do your job correctly, nobody notices or cares. It’s not until you screw up that anyone even notices that you exist. Why was that necessary anyways? *cue some actress complaining about how there are no good roles for women* Well that blowhard is right. We didn’t see anybody grow old, we saw them young and then we saw them old. There was no reason they couldn’t have hired two sets of actors. It would not only have not been more distracting, it would have been much less distracting.

Malin Akerman blew pretty much every line she had (although we don’t know if she can’t act or Zach Snyder just can’t direct people). She’s pretty enough, but yeesh. Alan Moore couldn’t (probably still can’t, we don’t know, we don’t care about his newer stuff at all) write for ladies, even though Laurie is supposed to be the emotional linchpin of the story. Without a strong performance in that role, the story doesn’t work.

Speaking of not working, the CG was first X-Men movie level, plus they changed a bunch of stuff in the translation, but didn’t bother to change the rest of the story to reflect those changes. Why did Ozymandias have that cat thing? In the book, they establish that he’s been doing a lot of genetic manipulation, hence the cat. That genetic work leads to the squid thing at the end, so the cat makes sense. If you change the psychic squid to Dr. Manhattan bombs (a change we would be totally fine with, by the way), then why do you still have the cat? Everyone who hasn’t read the book has no idea what’s happening. Those of us who have read the book, also have no idea what’s happening. We vaguely remember the cat, but the implications of the cat have disappeared from the story, rendering the inclusion of the cat confusing for everyone.

Since we’re on the topic of confusing to everyone, the musical choices were both awful and distracting (we’re sensing a theme here). That soundtrack was 100% effed out songs, each used in the most cliched way possible. “Hallelujah” during the sex scene seems the most egregious to the intranets, but “Sounds of Silence” might have been even worse. It came first, and it was just as bad as Mr. Cohen’s effort. In fact, by the time we got to Hallelujah, we had both given up on the soundtrack being anything but terrible. Incidentally, Sounds of Silence came out in 1964. Quadrophenia is set in 1964, but didn’t come out until 1973. Anyone who says things were better in the past is a liar. Nothing against Sounds of Silence, but we didn’t even get good music about that time until nine years later. Hey, somebody should make a Quadrophenia movie. We’d go see that. (”Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff.” Was this entire paragraph just an excuse to work that reference in? Probably, but that still doesn’t mean the soundtrack was anything short of terrible.)

Remember how much Nixon hated Quadrophenia? Further, do you remember how good Frank Langella was in Frost/Nixon? Langella is so good that every time Nixon showed up in Watchmen, it took five minutes of us waiting for his chin makeup to fall off to figure out who that character was even supposed to be. Poor makeup people. It can’t just be their fault right? The director and the producers did watch dailies and agree that this is what they wanted didn’t they?

Oh, and while we’re complaining, let’s not forget the ending. They took out the most important part. Ozymandias asks Dr. Manhattan if he did the right thing and Dr. Manhattan tells him “nothing ever ends” before he goes away, implying that Ozymandias ultimately fails. This is further reinforced by the Black Freighter stuff. The protagonist of that thing learns that to win he has to become violent, but that violence eats away who he is, and he ultimately loses everything too. Not that they should have kept the Black Freighter stuff in the movie. This movie was 45 minutes too long as it was.

Plus, the comic book is about comic books. Alan Moore hates superhero comics, and well he should. However, slavishly making a movie as close to that book as possible makes absolutely no sense. The dialogue may work in the context of a 12 issue comic, but very little of the dialogue works with real people trying to say it, and rightly so. It’s a completely different medium.

Also, does anyone younger than 35 care at all about the cold war? We got genuinely attacked 8 years ago, if they’re going to change plotlines up, and we would argue that they absolutely should, why didn’t they change that? This was a movie aimed at 40 year comic nerds, but enough was changed that we wonder how many of them actually liked it. Clearly not many since this movie is bombing hard.

Oh, and we don’t like the slow motion/sped up action sequences. They may look cool, but it’s impossible to feel any emotional investment or tension because it looks like a video game. It also made the characters more confusing. Did they have actual superpowers? Besides Dr. Manhattan, weren’t they supposed to be regular people? We have no idea what was implied by the movie, but we would argue that anyone who could kick 15 prisoners in the face while balancing on those heels Silk Spectre II was wearing had to have some kind of super power.

We guess we shouldn’t be completely negative. This movie may have been a fiasco, but it wasn’t a complete and utter failure. We did like Rorschach a lot, even if he yelled too much before the climax, and the Comedian was good. The guy that played Ozymandias was pretty good too, we guess, although a little over the top. While it is implied that Ozymandias is probably gay in the comics, it seems more heavily implied that he, as the smartest man in the world, was completely isolated from everyone and was for all intents and purposes asexual. This gave his character a little bit of depth, and made the original ending better. Ozymandias turns to Dr. Manhattan, the only other person who can possibly understand him. When Jon tells him he failed, it hits that much harder. The movie didn’t bother with any of that, but it did have a scene with Ozymandias entering Studio 54 while the Village People dance suggestively in the background. Not to mention in no uncertain terms going out of their way to point out he was probably a pedophile too. Subtle.

Hey, weren’t we not complaining? Um, both Silk Spectres were physically attractive. Maybe if Dark Knight hadn’t already done all the stuff Watchmen tried to do a lot better last year we would have liked this movie more. As it is, the comic book movie bar is set a lot higher than Zach Snyder was willing (capable?) of taking this story.

That ended up being a lot longer than we had anticipated. Don’t worry though, we’re still going to guide you through the Late Night Televerse, so giddy-up and scroll on down:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Vin Diesel, Lisa Lampanelli, Gavin DeGraw
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Seth Rogen, Tom Dreesen, Adele
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Bill Hader, Emma Roberts, Glasvegas
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - William Shatner, Regina King
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Dwayne Johnson, Kristin Stewart, The-Dream
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Charles Hamilton

STEPHAN: Tonight on Craiggers, it’s going to be a Star Trek themed threeway! Shatner is Kirk! Regina King is that hot black lady! And Fergie is that Scottish guy whose engines can’t something, something! It’s going to be a good one! NBC offers up counter programming with Bill Hader (Hooray!) and two people who I’ve never heard of (Boo?).

ERECH: Ugh, Leno is about as bad as it gets tonight. Lisa Lampanelli and Gavin “I sing the theme song to One Tree Hill” DeGraw would be bad enough on their own, but topping it off with Vin Diesel? I guess we’re supposed to forget all the paycheck grabbing 2 Fast 2 Furious sequels that have been shoved down our throat the last 5 years, and pretend that Fast & Furious is the real deal follow up. Sadly, people in Weirdowood just don’t get it that nobody really gives a crap about Vin Diesel, so we’re gonna stuck having to look at this guys big, dumb head again for a few mores weeks. Sure, Vin’s movie is going to be #2 this weekend, but not by a lot, and not much worth bragging about considering it’ll be getting beaten by a non-Pixar CGI feature in its 2nd week.

Hollywood, pay attention. We’re done with Vin AND these stupid car movies. Back to the drawing boards for you.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Amy Poehler, Paul Walker, Fall Out Boy
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Bill O’Reilly, Marianne Faithfull
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Glenn Close, Kristen Wiig, Gomez
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Isabella Rossellini, Linda Cardellini
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - “Dancing with the Stars” castoff, Will Arnett, Michelle Rodriguez
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Adrianne Palicki, Robin Thicke

ERECH: Leno must have some stock in Fast & Furious, since he’s giving that jerk Paul “I’ve got almost no career aside from these stupid car movies” Walker couch space tonight. Amy Poehler is fun enough, but sadly not enough to wade into those troubled waters. Fall Out Boy are still allowed on tv too? Man, Leno, you’re the worst.

Fallon should be interesting tonight. He’s not going to be able to giggle and schmuck his way out of an interview with someone like Glenn Close, who’d be more comfortable with a host like Charlie Rose than with Jimmy2. Still, she’s an interesting lady, who has done lots of cool stuff. Throw in Wiig as the B guest, and that’s an okay show. That is unless you’re not diggin’ Fallon’s show yet, in which case it’ll just be another hour of fail.

STEPHAN: Speaking of interesting ladies, the real winner tonight is Craig Ferguson. He’s got both Isabella Rossellini and Linda Cardellini. You may remember Linda Cardellini from her fine work in that one Human Giant sketch, but let’s not forget her seminal (and, quite frankly, semenal) turn as Lindsay Weir on Freaks & Geeks. Isabella Rossellini you may remember from being awesome always. This is going to be a good one folks.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Michael Caine, Dennis Rodman, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Marg Helgenberger, Francisco Palacios, Ray LaMontagne
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Stevie Nicks, Nick Thune
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jennifer Tilly, Heidi Newfield
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Amy Poehler, Jordana Brewster, Les Claypool
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Adam Scott, Renee Gauthier, Cold War Kids

STEPHAN: Is Carson Daly’s show canceled? He’s been running reruns and weird episodes where it looks new, but it’s just him introducing a clip of himself interviewing someone quite a while ago. The Patton Oswalt episode last week (2 weeks?) was like this, but I stupidly recorded it anyways. Will anybody actually notice if his show is canceled? Either way, I’m watching Ferguson tonight. Jennifer Tilly revs my crank, even though her voice makes me want to punch my own throat out. Heidi Newfield’s website says she’s going to be appearing on The Price is Right, so make sure you stay up for her no doubt dynamite performance.

ERECH: Dave loves him some Helgenberger. I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, but this is one instance where I fully disagree with Big D. She’s kinda scary looking, in that “shouldn’t have gotten that last botox injection” sort of way. Also, she consistently stars in horrible stuff. Aside from her cartoon voiceover work, what good is she?

Jay has kind of a crazy line-up. Michael Caine and Dennis Rodman would be enough of a show for anyone into that sorta thing (c’mon, Michael Caine is good stuff no matter what show he is on). Throw in Spinal Tap and Jay has something of a winner. Personally, other than Michael McKean, I’ve no interest in those guys, and I thought This is Spinal Tap was aggressively unfunny, so I won’t be tuning in. But I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Ben Affleck, Taylor Swift
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Michael J. Fox, the Fray
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Rogen, Leighton Meester, Dr. Dog
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Brittany Murphy, Christopher Gorham
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Vin Diesel, Anna Faris, Eli Young Band
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Nico Stai

ERECH: Dave is the place to be tonight. Michael J. Fox in a rare talkie appearance means we’re gonna get some class, humor and a little sad thrown in too. I’m not going to be watching anything other than The Late Show tonight, so I’ll just leave it at that.

STEPHAN: I saw Dr. Dog live. I think they opened for Wilco? Some band like that. Anyways, if you’re with a hot lady (I would recommend it also being a lady you actually like, but that may or may not actually be necessary.) and you get tore up they’re pretty good. Otherwise they sound like Chicago minus Peter Cetera. Not good times. In fact, other than the aforementioned Michael J. Fox, it’s not good times everywhere tonight.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Miley Cyrus
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Denis Leary, Diana Krall
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Lauren Graham, Judah Friedlander, Cold War Kids
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Zooey Deschanel, Henry Cho
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Paul Walker, Lily Allen
• Last Call with Carson Daly - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

STEPHAN: That’s a great Jimmy2 lineup. Lauren Graham is quite literally the best person on the planet and Judah Friedlander is World Champion. World Champion.

ERECH: Craiggers has better-Deschanel on tonight. Followed up by the sometimes-but-not-really-funny Henry Cho… eh. You could go out on a Friday night worse than this.

Worse like watching Leno. I thought America had effectively washed their hands of this girl? Whut the fudge?? She’s clearly a horrible role-model for our kids, can’t sing, and comes from a line of hideous failures. If we’re just giving out free passes to kiddie shows, why the hell isn’t the cast of The Adventures of Pete and Pete on Leno tonight instead? Sheesh.

So lets close this week out with a little fanmade animation based on a story Dave told a few years back about having to deal with a bear that had made its way into his Montana home:

And that brings to close another week of Late Night Thing, and not a moment too soon. Stephan is up to his ears in collegiate hi-jinx (sadly, none of which involve “pantsing” the Dean), meanwhile Erech is sick as a dog while he’s busy looking for a new day job (that’s right folks, you can hire him now for a very low hourly rate, take advantage while he’s down and out!). LNT doesn’t write itself though, so rain or shine, our two heroes step up to the plate week in and week out, getting it done, no matter how much it pains them to do so.

And boy does it. Seriously, you’ve seen the emails from readers that get run around here, can you imagine the ones that are so bad they’re not even worthy of seeing print?? No, you honestly cannot imagine, trust us. And unless you want to see the boys of LNT on the chopping block for making their own “Special Olympics” comparison, you’ll just drop the entire subject here and now.

Meanwhile, let us all take a moment out of our busy days to bow our heads, pour out a little liquor, and say goodbye to a dear friend. RIP Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan.

Andy Hallett, who starred as Lorne on the TV series Angel, died of heart failure last night at age 33, according to his longtime agent and friend Pat Brady. The actor passed away at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles after a five-year battle with heart disease, with his father Dave Hallett by his side.

Hallett, from the Cape Cod village of Osterville, Mass., appeared on more than 70 episodes of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spinoff, Angel, between 2000 and 2004. The accomplished actor was also a musician and sang two songs (”Lady Marmalade” and “It’s Not Easy Being Green”) on the Angel: Live Fast, Die Never soundtrack, released in 2005.

The actor’s character on Angel was Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan, or Lorne for short. Hallett’s Lorne was a friendly demon, who, when not assisting Angel and his team in the investigation of various and sundry underworld mysteries, served as the host and headliner at a demon bar.

Hallett has spent his post-Angel years working on his music career, playing shows around the country. He had been admitted to the hospital three or four times in the past few years for his heart condition, according to Pat.

A private funeral service will be held for family and close friends in Cape Cod, most likely over this weekend.

Time to go pop some popcorn, crack open a bottle of McNaughton’s, and fire up season 5 of Angel down at Murdershow HQ to pay our respects.

LNT - going out on a downer this week.

Now pay your respects to us and read the LNT ARCHIVES!!