It’s 4/20, dudes!

We’d like to say all sorts of wonderful things about herb, but frankly we’re both old enough that to indulge we’d have to become hippies, and we’re not about to do that. Instead we celebrated by spending the day as genuine adults, drinking wine and tussling with bums. Well, maybe tussling is a little strong (or, perhaps, too gloriously homosexual), but an adult amount of shouting and trash can kicking (it’s surprisingly effective) occurred.

Anyways, with our milieu being Late Night Television, we get asked about certain illicit substances constantly (seriously, for not being addicted, you folks are awful obsessed). We might as well spell out our position here, so that we at least have something to point you addled youngsters towards instead of having to answer the same dumb questions over and over again.

1.) Marijuana should be legal. Of course it should. It’s a plant, it grows naturally (in nature), for god’s sake. What part of a Christian nation outlaws a plant? We thought Jesus created all the plants 6,000 years ago? (Maybe he was busy inventing water boarding while Satan snuck in and made the first marijuana plant?) Either way, it isn’t like meth. Yes, ok, marijuana can lead to skeezy old pervs who just watch porn and get high all day, but as long as you stay away from their couches, they can’t hurt you. The methheads bring their ruckus out of the house directly to you and yours, and, they have the energy to maintain that ruckus way past the danger zone. Those are awful people. Let’s cut that problem off before we go back to worrying about other people.

2.) Stop telling us about the intricacies of your drug use. We don’t care if you’re the number one connoisseur/mayor of Olde Weedtowne, it’s really not that interesting to those of us who aren’t high. However, do feel free to tell stories that paint you in a horribly negative light. We don’t foist our booze talk on you guys, well, we do, but we follow the rule of only telling stories that make us look bad. For example, one of us once passed out with our head in a dryer. Good times.

3.) That isn’t/wouldn’t be trippy.

4.) If we’re drunk and you’re offering, the resulting anxiety attack is on you. We’re not going to apologize for ruining your evening. Maybe you’ll get lucky and we’ll become the life of the party, but the odds are not in your favor. You’ve been warned. Seriously, we’re not trying to weird you out by not partaking, just assume we’re drunk and we don’t mind you catching up. This isn’t Puritanical New England. We’re not judging you by not partaking, we just have our own issues. If you’re going to be hypersensitive about something, can’t it just be about who’s the best member of the Blue Team (even though it’s obviously Gambit)?

There you go, we have a pretty good week of shows to go through, so light up, scroll down, and enjoy:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Martha Stewart, Tracy Ullman, the Killers
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Dunham
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Terrence Howard, Rashida Jones, Rick Ross
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Simon Cowell, Jean Smart, Erin McCarley
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Vin Diesel, Anna Faris, Eli Young Band
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Dr. Drew Pinsky, Yvonne Strahovski, Nico Stai

STEPHAN: The Yin & Yang of Jeffs are on Letterman tonight. Goldblum brings it, whether he’s telling a story about his hillfolk mother urinating in a coffee can while riding in a car or just performing with his art music collective, The Jeff GoldBluMan Group. And, of course to balance that out the unfunny, racist, puppet stylings of Jeff Dunham ends out Dave tonight. I am genuinely baffled by this guy’s popularity. At least Larry the Cable Guy has fart jokes.

If for whatever reason you can’t sleep at all, and I mean at all, Carson has what should be a really good show tonight. The love doctor, Doctor Drew is presumably selling his book about celebrities and narcissism, then Carson will awkwardly “interviews” one of the hot chicks from Chuck, who will talk about her journey from being a hot chick not on television to becoming a hot chick on television almost over night!

ERECH: Jay has a pretty good show tonight, as we’re gearing in to the last month of the Leno reign in Burbank. Honestly, as distasteful as I find him most of the time, I do kind of like Jay. He’s got a tough job, and anyone that thinks otherwise are just fooling themselves. Writing, performing, staying at least mildly abreast of all manner of current events. And when was the last time you believably fake-laughed really hard for like 45 minutes straight? Not to mention, he’s got a good stage presence too. I hate to say it, but I’m going to miss him, even if he is rebounding into the earlier timeslot to help save NBC’s ratings YET AGAIN. I do find it interesting he’s not put up much of a fight publicly about the change, wonder if it has anything to do with the guilt he must have about how he got the job to begin with.

Either way, we’re just about a month out from Conan taking over, so we’re going to be getting the best Leno there can be, at least for the next few. Enjoy it while it lasts, kids.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Hugh Jackman, Abigail Breslin, Ida Maria
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Nathan Lane, Tinted Windows
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jerry O’Connell, Thomas Lennon, Chester French, Booker T. Jones
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Rob Morrow, Jean-Michel Cousteau
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Billy Bob Thornton, the latest “Dancing with the Stars” castoff
• Last Call with Carson Daly - TBA

ERECH: Well here we go. JCK Vs BBT. I wonder if Billy Bob is going to try that “don’t say I’m an actor” stuff on Jimmy, because there’s no way that’s gonna fly at JKL. Or maybe Billy Bob is here as an actor, and Jimmy won’t be allowed to call him a musician? Either way, there’s no way Jimmy isn’t gonna bring this up, because our man James is an amazing cockhole, and that’s like 90% of the reason we love him:

Oh wait, there’s other stuff on tonight? Who cares? Everyone is tuning in to Kimmel to see what happens, as well we all should. Go get him, Yimmy!

STEPHAN: I care (although I will also be watching Yimmy) because Jay Leno has Ida Maria. Her album is great, and for some reason isn’t on eMusic, which is dumb. eMusic is great and everyone should get on board so I can download whatever I want instead of not being able to find exactly what I want and wasting my downloads on Ghostface skits I skipped the month before. Bummer.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Robert Downey Jr., Alexandra Wentworth, George Wallace
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Beyonce Knowles, Jim Parsons
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Josh Meyers, Gloria Fallon, Janeane Garofalo, Mike Spinner
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Kristin Chenoweth, Kunal Nayyar
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Justin Timberlake, Eliza Coupe, the Whip
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Tom Lennon

STEPHAN: *Important Viewing Alert* Kristin Chenoweth is going to eminently watchable on Craiggers tonight. She’s funny enough, attractive enough and has enough of that weird nervous energy that super religious people always have that Fergie will have a field day with her. A field day!

ERECH: Jimmy2 looks like he’s got some kind of weird, fun line-up going on, and I’m intrigued enough on paper to want to tune in. so there.

I feel bad for Dave having to interview Beyonce just because she’s in some crappy movie where she can be all like “oh no she din’t it’s on now bish” catfight blah blah blah. Sure, she seems delightful enough, she’s more than a little pretty, but man, there’s just something not there for me. Clearly I’m in the minority here though, and I’m willing to accept that. My disconnect with her runs pretty deep though, as I don’t even like her as a musical talent either. For musical actresses with lots of junk in their trunk, I’m far more an Alicia Keys man myself, meow! I’m pretty sure Dave isn’t going to be at his best tonight either, because there’s no way he’s going to do anything but oogle her boobs and badunk - which would normally be exciting, but not quit enough to then have to hear Beyonce talk. PASS.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Jules Sylvester, Ryan Reynolds, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jamie Foxx, Paula Abdul, the Dead
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Ali Larter, Tinted Windows
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Breckin Meyer, Martina McBride
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Channing Tatum, Elisha Cuthbert, Depeche Mode
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Brett Dennen

ERECH: Breckin Meyer? BRECKIN MEYER?? Oh wow, I thought that guy died of the cancers or something. I’m checking out Craiggers just to see what made-for-tv movie he’s promoting, because just wow.

Other than that, tonight looks like a bit of a flop. Dave is going to be doing a lot of “WOAH-HO’S” and “OH MY’S” while his A + B guest both prattle off with nonsense. Seriously, Jamie Foxx is one of the most obnoxious talk show guests going, considering how hot his ticket in WeirdOwood still is. Win an Oscar for one role, and suddenly everyone forgets how much you suck in everything you’ve ever done before and after it I guess. Blech.

STEPHAN: Who the eff is Ali Larter? Is she that chick from the Doritos commercial? She can’t be, right? Jimmy2 has been averaging four guests a night and he’s only got two tonight, so she must be something. IMDb says she’s fromHeroes and a bunch of terrible movies (even one of the many subpar Kevin Smith Joints). That is not a great lineup.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Anderson Cooper, Kathleen Madigan, Brad Paisley
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Michael Keaton, Lily Allen
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Neil Patrick Harris, Emily Deschanel
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Bob Barker, P.W. Singer
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Jamie Foxx, Elizabeth Mitchell
• Last Call with Carson Daly - TBA

STEPHAN: Now this is a two person Jimmy2 lineup. Neil Patrick Harris has proven himself to be the best SNL host since I don’t know, somebody good anyways. Then one of the fabulous Deschanel ladies will provide a nice cap to a pretty decent week of shows.

ERECH: I wanna see Michael Keaton and Dave shoot the bull, that’s gonna be a good 15 minutes of win right there.

And am I the only one who has been perplexed by Keaton pretty much falling off the map since making those Batman movies, you know the ones. Yeah, he’s done “stuff” since then, but not a lot, and not certainly to his caliber either. Did he turn into a big jerk after the cape and the cowl? I don’t get it. Looking back, at the time I loved the flicks, but they don’t hold up very well at all if you watch them today. Certainly as not compared to the new Nolan/Bale flicks, which make the Burton/Keaton ones look like they may as well star Adam West. However, all the stuff that’s bad about those first Batmovies has nothing to do with Keaton, who did a great job in the role, when the odds were stacked against him. In fact, I’d say the combination between him and Kevin Conroy, Batman as a character was basically re-invigorated with a definitive status quo for the last two decades by their performances alone. Ahem, nerding out. Anyways, to sum up, it’s a shame we didn’t get more pre-Batman Keaton post-Batman, stuff like Mr. Mom, The Dream Team, Beetlejuice etc - he was one of the greats and now he’s… well, Jack Frost.

Yikes.

And that closes down another week of Late Night goodness, thanks to the efforts of your two favorite LNT hosts! The boys aren’t quite done yet though, as they’d just like to talk about one more thing.

Susan Boyle.

Yes, we know, generally LNT steers clear of these hot-button topics because we like to tow the middle line. However, this cannot go unmentioned.

What’s even more disturbing than the people who are all “OMG UGLY LADY CAN SING GOOD TOO?!” are the rest of the people who intellectualize it further yet still call Ms. Boyle unattractive by any term. Because to us, she just looks like a regular, honest to goodness, 50 year old lady. Someone’s mother, aunt, your sister. Only creeps and sociopaths buy into this whole image-based reality that somehow all women should look like fuckable pornstars until the day they die. I mean, is anyone really attracted to the likes of Marg Helgenberger, Morgan Fairchild or Joan Collins/Rivers as much as they are just eerily fascinated by all the weird crap they’ve done to their bodies and faces just to still be able to land co-starring roles in bad tv movies?

The only wake up call we got by watching the reactions of the judges while viewing Ms. Boyle sing was just what shallow jerks they are. And hey, Susan can go on a diet and pluck her eyebrows to change her situation if she wanted. But what can you do about what vicious and horrible people you are, Simon and Piers?

LNT - Keepin’ it real, son.

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