Stardate 62824.7 (that’s May 11th for you non-Trek nerds!)

Upfronts are coming soon, and we’re starting to get a decent picture of where we stand. The (real) Golden Age of Television that started with The Sopranos in 1999 is probably over, but that doesn’t mean that all the good shows are good. It’s just that the concentration levels of Good are dropping back to normal levels. So, are we headed further south? Well, probably, that’s why we’re

The fates of the shows are all from the great Michael Ausiello, incidentally

ABC
Better Off Ted is in the “could go either way” department. Awesome. The one good comedy to show up this year and we only got seven episodes and might not get any more. There’s a decent chance Scrubs is coming back, even though they stopped including jokes in the show three years ago, but we can’t get an okay on Ted? The show got little to no advertising and then got pushed around by American Idol and Obama. Give ‘em another chance ABC! This show is good, we promise.

The wildly disappointing Cupid is gone and the wildly entertaining Pushing Daisies is gone too. Talk about opposite ends of the high concept spectrum. We can say definitively that the original Cupid was great, great entertainment, but this new one, ugh. The leads have no chemistry and the show hasn’t even tried to do anything interesting. But it’s such a good idea. Couldn’t we just blow it up and start over on Showtime or something?

At the same time, the conceit of Pushing Daisies is insane. That show should never have worked, and yet through a perfect blending of art direction, writing and casting, the show was pure dynamite. We’ve argued before that this show suffered by the lack of HD in the people’s homes. While the writing and the cast is good, without HD the show is just not as fun. At least both season are going to get Blu-ray releases, so we’ll always be able to enjoy it.

Finally, Flashback Island is definitely coming back for it’s last season (probably only because they’ve done a good job of easing off the flashbacks).

CBS
Editor’s Note: None of us at LNT HQ (this includes interns past and present) actually watch any of these shows, but we will have video of Stephan sobbing if Old Christine gets canceled. Also, Leno will beat CSI. Count on it.

Fox
Why is House so watchable? The cast isn’t really that good, the show isn’t particularly well written, and yet, it’s still completely watchable. It’s certainly not a good show, but it’s definitely a watchable show. Hopefully for next year they kill off the entire team and the show morphs into a Three’s Company riff starring House, Wilson, and Cuddy. We’re secure enough in our sexuality to admit that we’d watch a show where Lisa Edelstein pretends to be a transvestite to foo the landlord and wacky hijinks ensue.

Dollhouse got really good, but only when they were expecting to be canceled. Now that the show is most likely getting canceled, we have to ask, would a second season really be any good, anyways? Maybe the producers of Castle can hire Whedon to come on and write an episode where Castle eats some bad sushi and has a fever dream where he’s Captain Mal instead. We have it on good authority (ed - this is completely unverifiable and most likely a fabrication, although one of the staff claims to have gotten a PM from Tami Sagher once) that this scenario would have happened had Lucky Louie stayed on the air. Not the Captain Mal part. Louie’s fever dream would have involved him being a lawyer about to marry Laura Silverman, but his son Brendon and his two friends (a jewess and a fat kid) would kind of ruin the ceremony.

Sit Down, Shut Up has been substantially funnier than the pilot episode indicated it would be, so, of course, it’s getting canceled. The world definitely needs three shows set in the Family Guy universe. Thanks Fox.

NBC
Chuck is now a safe bet. Finally. Season 2 of Chuck was a lot better than season 1, so if you bowed out early, feel free to step back in. The water is fine. Especially when you compare it to it’s follow-up, the execrable Heroes. That show is absolutely infuriating. That show is also a perfect distillation of what comic books are. Not what we wish they were, or intend them to be, but what they are. Tim Kring has somehow jumped into the mind of the douchebags arguing at the comic shop every Wednesday and made a show just for them to love (and sometimes, to hate, but since those people love to hate, this might even be better). Of course, he’s done such a masterful job creating such terrible entertainment that the rest of us pretending that the comics that we read are cool and pretending to be so different from those aforementioned douchebags are completely exposed. Bummer.

Kings was supposed to be a miniseries wasn’t it? So, it probably doesn’t really count as canceled, but it’s still a bummer. We liked seeing Al Swearingen on television again. It’s fun to pretend that we got a proper ending to Deadwood. Y’know, this was just a bad year for the high concept show. At least at the networks. And without the car companies pumping in crazy advertising money, we’re afraid it’s only going to get worse. Soon, every show is going to be Charlie Sheen making sexual explicit remarks to a precocious 13 year old. This is the real problem with government deregulation. Thanks a lot, Ron Paul! Your plan to make television as stupid as your economic plan worked like a charm!

30 Rock, Friday Night Lights, The Office, and Parks and Recreation are all back at least. For how little regard we have for NBC, they really do have as decent a lineup of shows as any of the other networks. That’ll no doubt change next year when it’s all Leno, all the time, but for now, they’re not realy that horrible. For fourth place, they’re not really doing that badly from a creative standpoint.

Well, that’s where we’re at in primetime for next year. Sure, there’s going to be new shows to stare at as well, but with Leno eating up so much of NBC’s time, and the other networks afraid to spend money on risks, none of the new shows might matter at all. (Although Community, starring friend of the site [ed. This also appears to be a lie.] and all around talented powerhouse Don Glover and some guy named Joel McHale, does look nothing short of delightful. Seriously. The previews for Community make that show look nothing short of awesome.) At least we know the (Late) Night Train will always keep rolling right along, and feel free to roll with us through this week:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Russell Brand, Elizabeth Banks, Ciara
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Tom Hanks, the Killers
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Susan Sarandon, Randy Jackson, Soulja Boy Tellem
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Steven Wright, Bryce Dallas Howard
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Matthew McConaughey, Kara DioGuardi, Jason Aldean
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Cassidy Freeman, Ben Harper & Relentless7

STEPHAN: Is that Ferguson episode a repeat? Has Ron Howard’s daughter done anything besides Terminator though? It must be a new one. Well, either way, Steven Wright and Craiggers are great together, especially at the beginning of the show when nothing is scripted and Wright seems to show up solely trying to make Ferguson mess up. That’s good TV. It’s especially easy to recommend Craiggers when his competition, Jimmy2, has Randy Jackson and Kriss KrossSoulja Boy back-to-back on his show.

Frankly, wouldn’t it be easier just to give black people the reparations they were promised instead of propping up marginally talented people of color in the pop cultural landscape? Surely, everyone, regardless of color, thinks those two dudes are worthless.

ERECH: Tom Hanks is about as good as it gets for a talk show guest. Yeah, his career isn’t quite what it was 10 years ago, but he’s still as sharp as ever, classy but able to pull off a fart joke, and also really really rich. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had even the slightest bit of interest in seeing a movie he’s in, but I’d watch Tom Hanks on a talkie any night of the week, better believe it.

Fallon’s got some pretty good guests going this week, but tonight wouldn’t make you think so. Susan Sarandon, eh, I can take or leave her. Yes yes, it’s sooo amazing that a woman older than like 34 doesn’t look like late years Jessica Tandy, but c’mon. Randy Jackson shouldn’t be allowed to be on any shows, he’s a judge on a friggin’ talent show. And Soulja Boy is as bad as it gets. Bad going, Jimmy2, especially after how good you were on SNL this weekend.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Dennis Miller, Calvin Borel, Kelly Clarkson
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Alec Baldwin, Maya Rudolph, Chrisette Michele
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Andy Samberg, Jorge Garcia, Bo Burnham
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Paulina Porizkova, Andy Nulman
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Paula Abdul, the latest “Dancing With the Stars” castoff, Todd Glass
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Oscar Nunez, Chad Reed, Cold War Kids

ERECH: Maya Rudolph is on a few shows this week, promoting what is as best I can tell, a really small role in a romantic comedy with that dude from The Office. What happened to her career?

Jay has a show made especially for white people tonight, whoa nelly! Dennis Miller, who went from being one of the sharpest comedians on the planet to one of those dudes you’d see telling jokes at like a corporate real estate convention awards ceremony or something. Calvin Borel, who sits on top of horses that rich white people own and other white people bet money on. And Kelly Clarkson, who makes catchy music that only white people could like. Good night to be white in Burbank, ain’t it?

STEPHAN: CBS has a super solid night tonight. Alec Baldwin brings it no matter what, but he’s especially good on Dave. Hot, foreign ladies getting interviewed by Craiggers is good television, and nobody does a David Brent impression like Andy Nulman. (”The Credo of Surprise: Risks? Take! Rules? Break! Then…watch the ground shake!” Remember, he’s a friend first, a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.)

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Kevin Spacey, Yusuf
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Robin Williams, Wynton Marsalis
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jeff Goldblum, the Beat Freaks
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Laurence Fishburne, Paula Poundstone
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Matthew Fox, Benjamin McKenzie, Ciara
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Kevin McKidd, Playboy Playmate of the Year Ida Ljungqvist, Brett Dennen

STEPHAN: Since Matthew Fox is always high when he’s on television, Kimmel just became must watch tonight. Speaking of must-watch, if you love trainwrecks, Kimmel’s protege is going to be interviewing the Playmate of the Year tonight as well. Carson Daly is one of the least interesting interviewers on television, and what are the odds that the Playmate of the Year has anything interesting to say (besides explaining how vaccines cause autism)? This could be epic, folks.

ERECH: I’m having a hard time getting excited for much tonight. If Dave and Jay switched their A guests, I’d be at least partially into it, but until Tivo invents some kind of guest in-picture feature I’m SoL.

Yeah, sorry folks, I got nothing for tonight.

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Katie Couric, Ewan McGregor, the Decemberists
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kid Scientists, Teri Hatcher, Rick Ross with Magazeen
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Maya Rudolph, Damon Wayans Jr., Asher Roth
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Howie Mandel, Laura Lippman
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Adrien Brody, Steve “Lips” Kudlow and Robb Reiner, Airborne Toxic Event
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Joe Torre, Kelly Monaco, Operation Aloha

ERECH: Didn’t I say Fallon had good guests this week? What the hell was I smoking 5 minutes ago when I wrote that?

Instead, lets talk Star Trek. You guys blew it, and now I owe someone 5 bucks. Sure, it did pretty good and made about 80 million over the weekend, which isn’t bad at all, but that’s only like halfway to what I needed it to be. And worst of all, now I want to actually see it - which is a twist I hadn’t expected.

So I was wrong about the box office, but I was right about Wolverine. Domestic estimate so far is only around $129,624,000. Budget was approx $150 BEFORE the leak, so that doesn’t count the $18-20 million boost they spent on advertising afterwards. Further, foreign box office as we all know doesn’t count in the same way as domestic, for various reasons, so why even mention it? And even if you want to disregard math and economics and all the pockets along the way, lets count the whole 209 million+ estimate as profit, and this thing has only made around $35 million dollars so far past it’s 2nd week. NOT a blockbuster in any regard, and considering this weekends dropoff was like 70-something% means this thing will make maybe 15 million next weekend, and then scraps here and there after that.

And what does all that mean for this talk about some kind of Deadpool spinoff flick? It’s the talk of lunacy, that’s what. Even if economics were on Deadpool’s side on this one, and Deadpool was actually a top tier comic character who currently had his own comic series (which he don’t), and Ryan Reynolds was a leading man with any box office draw (which he ain’t), you still gotta figure Fox is so gunshy it’s not even funny. Why tie up 150 million dollars and 15 months of time on a movie that only brings back 40-50 million in earnings, when you can take that same 150 million and crank out like 6 rom/coms in 8 weeks a pop that’ll each earn 30 or so million to boot, on a character that appeared in the Wolverine movie for all like 6 minutes?

Sorry nerds, “in production” don’t mean nothin’, and I guarantee the best we’re gonna get is a direct-to-dvd Deadpool animated flick with Reynolds doing the voice, bet.

STEPHAN: Plus, Marvel turned down my Forge pitch. Comic book movies are dead to me! Dead! Now I’m down to vampire movies made by people who refuse to acknowledge what’s good about vampires and zombie movies hamstrung by way too much heavy-handed social commentary and mediocre romantic comedies from late 90s starring Paul Rudd. Fun fact: I’ve seen Overnight Delivery at least twice!

I love kid scientists. They always end up demonstrating the same principles, but I am absolutely entertained every year when this segment rolls around. Y’know what, I lied a little bit earlier there. I get goosebumps every time John Connor is yelling about humanity and that Nine Inch Nails song kicks in. I have my doubts that the movie will be any good (those doubts are named ‘McG’ and ‘PG-13′ by the way), but that’s a great trailer.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Jay Leno - Kevin Bacon, Julie Scardina, Kings of Leon
• The Late Show with David Letterman - John Goodman, Tommy Tiernan, Mastodon
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Steve Kroft, Yusuf
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ewan McGregor, All-American Rejects
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Eminem
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Friendly Fires

STEPHAN: Go out and get drunk tonight folks. Meet a stranger. Discuss something you don’t know anything about. It’s going to be a great evening to learn something new. Or get hooked on prescription meds and eat a bunch of Taco Bell and watch Eminem claw desperately at relevance. The joke’s on him though, he’s already lost relevance, he’s merely clawing at not becoming Bruce Jenner.

ERECH: Definitely going to be tuning in for John Goodman on Dave, because Goodman seems a good enough sort, and Dave is Dave.

Wayans brothers action, promoting what I can only assume is this dance parody movie, that thought it would be sooo hilarious to make fun of that Julia Stiles movie from like what, a frickin’ decade ago? Seriously? It breaks my heart that these movies are still getting made, after like the 5th Scary Movie or whatever, but even more heartbreaking is everyone knows they suck but they still bring in like 25 million on opening weekend. None of us know anyone who says they like these things, but we all know at least 3 people who have actually seen one of ‘em. These things star like rappers and MadTV rejects, so you know they cost no more than 400 bucks to make. Hollywoods, you’re weird, but viewing public you’re even weirder.

And on that, Late Night Thing brings another week to a close.

Also coming to a close this week is most of NBC’s schedule. Earl, The Office and 30 Rock, Fat People Crying, and Donald Trump’s Mutanity Parade are all having their season finales in the next 7 days. What will that leave us with to watch? Well honestly, not much.

NBC has imported the british hit I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, only they forgot to add the celebrity part. Heidi and Spencer Pratt (rhymes with twat!), that Sanjaya kid everyone voted for as a joke, and even John Salley (who LNT loves, but c’mon John) hardly qualify as celebs. That ought to last 3 weeks.

Otherwise, what is there? It’s a vast and dark wasteland without much hope. The networks could barely figure out how to make anything work during the season they pretend to care about, so the fake summer season shows should be something amazingly bad to see indeed.

Monk is going into it’s final season over on USA, and while we don’t necessarily recommend anyone watch it, as card carrying FoT Stephan & Erech feel there is some precedence to promote it anyways. USA’s other okay-ish show, Burn Notice, is coming back too. That thing is a mess, but the Evil Dead dude is pretty good and Gabrielle Anwar is amazing to look at.

Otherwise, it looks like a lot of reruns, some bad movies, some even worse reality shows, and a very very long wait till September. At least we have HawthoRNe to look forward.

LNT - brb we’s gonna go throw our teevee’s IN TO THE GARBAGE!

LNT ARCHIVES