The Week that was almost LATE! (on the west coast at least, we’re always late on the east…)

The NBA season is over and Pushing Daisies ended, so now we have nothing but talkies and watching Iran burn to look forward to until the fall. Luckily for us, the great Sarah Palin is still considered a person, and has dumb things (shhhhhhhhhhocking!) to say about our pal David Letterman. We’ll get into that more in the outro, so instead we’re going to take a tangent to talk about American politics for a second. We only have two real parties in the country, and now that the GOP has taken to letting wingnuts like Palin and Rush Limbaugh speak for them, there’s been a lot of talk from the right about the party folding and from the left, terror that someone like Palin getting to be in charge of anything. Here’s the thing, the political climate in the country shifts back and forth constantly, so lets stop being so myopic. Ronald Reagan won all but two states and the Democratic party didn’t fall apart. They, in fact, didn’t do anything until Reagan’s policies led to an economic downturn and the uncharismatic George Bush couldn’t bring in the supporters (sounds familiar). Then we got a pro-business Democrat for eight years whose team did well enough (and got lucky with that whole internet thing) that we all got complacent and let someone very, very unqualified into office. Now, the pendulum has swung back again, and if Obama gets some breaks, we can do it again, but not for another eight years.

However, things aren’t good enough to let it happen yet. So, stop worrying. If you lean to the left, be glad Sarah Palin is around. She appeals to a stupid and loud minority that won’t be able to get her elected even if things are going well. And since unemployment just jumped the 12.4% mark, we’re going to guess things ain’t that great right now. If you’re on the right, the only thing you really have to worry about is the fact that your party is all white people. The percentage of white people in the country is decreasing every year, so you’re going to have a hard time winning in the future if you keep up this “Real America” nonsense. But given enough time, we’re sure the left will either pull a hippie and go too far with the social issues bolstering the right or somebody’ll pull a Gore and run a horrible campaign letting McCain’s useless daughter be president.

We guess, all we’re trying to say is both of you knock off the doom and gloom talk for now, nothing is really going to happen, and we’ve got television to watch:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Will Arnett, Joe Torre, Spinal Tap
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jack Black, M.A. Sanjayan
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Matthew Broderick, Sean Avery, Jason Aldean
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Holly Hunter, Camera Obscura
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Spade, Zoe Saldana, Black Eyed Peas
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Common, Doves

STEPHAN: The odds of Ferguson having the secretly best show tonight? 75%. Seriously, Craiggers has been on a roll lately. His show is so loosey-goosey and half-assed, it hearkens back to the early days of the Late Night Zone. He just needs to hire Dino and get that dark edge back in the Late Night game. Don’t get me wrong, the Dada stuff is great, but a little black humor never hurt anybody.

Speaking of absurdism, check this clip of Craig and pals lip syncing “Istanbul” in full regalia at the beginning of a recent show:

Pretty entertaining, right? NBC has 30 hours of talk show now each day, and nobody over there is bothering to do anything as weird.

ERECH: Conan is about as bad as it gets tonight. Guests who are only there to try to drum up ratings - Conan doesn’t care about any of this crap at all - and if he’s not interested then I ain’t either. And seriously, if Conze calls Torre “Skipper” or “Skip” or any variation on that, I’m punching that big funny ginger right in his chest (because he’s tall, and I’m not as, so yeah, height difference thing. Get it?)!

UPDATE - Looks like Will Arnett is showing up as the A-guest on Conan tonight, and officially changing that show from stink to must-see. Air guitar anyone?

Jack Black and Mikey Cera in a flick together almost sounds like something I should already have tickets for, right? I know, I’m like why haven’t you bought tickets yet me? But you know what, that movie has nothing I want to see, sorry guys. All the fart jokes and fat man falling down and things being hit in people’s heads and Michael Cera acting exactly like a caveman version of Michael Cera still doesn’t have me interesting in seeing Year One even the slightest bit. Which means it will probably make like $60 million bucks this weekend, right?

Oh America.

Looks like Dave is bowing down to the Palin pressure tonight too, but we’ll talk more about that later down the page…

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Larry David, Lauren Conrad, Gavin Rossdale
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Michelle Pfeiffer, Ian McLagan & the Bump Band
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Horatio Sanz, Selena Gomez, Hank Williams Jr.
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeff Foxworthy, Gavin DeGraw
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Ty Pennington, David Sedaris, the Jonas Brothers
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Diane Birch

ERECH: FINALLY we get Horatio on Jimmy2 - not missing this for the world. Horatio got a bad rap during his time on SNL, although the internets is mean about everyone so I guess I shouldn’t waste my time trying to debunk that argument. Sure, he laughed during like every sketch, and really only had 2 go to characters (laughing guy, or guy who emotes nothing and makes the other actor do all the work) but he still had his moments. I still say one of his earliest sketches, the bear ate his family one, is pretty damn funny stuff. And when was the last time you did something that made me laugh, faithful LNT reader? Exactly! Judge not lest ye be judged, or something…

STEPHAN: If you can stand sitting through a fake carpenter/real caveman, David Sedaris brings the goods to Yimmy. If you go that route, get out quick because the Jonas Brotherss are actively bad (especially live). Speaking of actively bad, the rumor is that Letterman is a fan of The Hills in real life. He does have those tards on a lot more than is reasonable otherwise. The interviews always end up great, so I guess I can’t complain, but it’s weird regardless.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - William Shatner, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Incubus
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Ryan Reynolds
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Al Roker, Street Sweeper Social Club
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julia Ormond, Derrick Pitts
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Roseanne Barr, Ryan Kwanten
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Zee Avi

STEPHAN: Did Conan use up all his contacts already? Yeesh. We’re down to William Shatner, McLovin, and Incubus(!?!) already? C’mon Zone! You’re only beating Letterman in the youngsters, why are you scheduling these has-beens? You’re going to make Letterman stop trying. He’s only booked Ryan Reynolds tonight. That’s not a good sign for the future.

ERECH: Julia Ormond is pretty and I’m all for watching her get flattered by F-Craiggers and his wacky hair.

Rosie Barr is on Jimmy, and while not as pretty as Ormond, or Al Roker, she’s still pretty great. Yes I know, she’s totally batshit crazy now that she’s in her 50’s, but it’s a sorta crazy I can understand. Crystals, and past-life regression, and all that kinda weird stuff, she’s just feeling old and desperate and doesn’t wanna die and rot in the ground. That’s a crazy we can all support. It’s not the buy a Lotus and start wearing a bad toupee to try and bang 22 year old girls who still hate you anyways and could have been bedded if you bought them a $30 knockoff handbag from the swap meet crazy - that I don’t get. Plus, Roseanne is one of the greatest sitcoms in the history of tv, so that there equals lifetime pass. Rosie and Yimmy, I’m on board!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Eva Mendes, the Dead Weather
• The Late Show with David Letterman - TBD, Phoenix
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Ryan Reynolds, Lauren Conrad, the Fray
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Sandra Bullock, Metric, David Feldman
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kathy Griffin, Ramon Rodriguez, Ben Harper
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Peaches

ERECH: Poor Ryan Renolds - people on the ‘tubes are still talking like this Deadpool movie is ever going to happen. Even Ryan Reynolds is talking like it is - silly man. At last check, Wolverine had barely broken $170 million domestic box office after around 9 weeks out, which was just about the entire production and marketing budget for the film put together - which means STILL NOT MAKING A PROFIT. Sure, you can be all like “bububu whatever50 million foreign gross” blah blah, but try telling that to the folks at Fox and see how happy they are about all that foreign money they have to divvy up before seeing a dime back. Nope, Wolverine is officially a flop - and I’d just like to say (we are kinda getting tired of saying this too) but LNT told’ja so. Suck it, people who like to read this dumb column!

STEPHAN: Is there anybody better than Phoenix right now? Those dudes are getting done, and you’re a fool if you’re not watching them get it done on Dave tonight.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Brandon McMillan, Holly Williams
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jada Pinkett Smith, Michael Cera, the Sounds
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Jeff Goldblum, Tamra Davis
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Bryan Cranston, Christopher Mintz-Plasse
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - TBA
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Kathy Griffin, the Ting Tings

STEPHAN: Why is McLovin out selling Year One? The movie looks like absolute garbage (they might as well have just filmed 2 hours of Jews in Space), but the cast is pretty terrific. There’s lots of interesting people that could be out talking about things. Either way, I love that in 2009, Jada Pinkett Smith is still somehow a bigger draw than Michael Cera (probably because she has a 10,000 pound fist inside of her).

ERECH: I just got on board with Breaking Bad FINALLY the last week or so (thanks to my repaired xbox 360 finally coming home!) and am loving it lots now, so you can bet I’ll be tuning into the Scot tonight to see all the Malcolm in the Middle drug jokes we’ll ever need, yeah?

Looks like lots of talent coordinators need to get their act together on the talkies though, and big time. FYI, Stephan & I are still available for hire - and if you read this column at all, you know we’ll up your ratings by a good half share at least - guaranteed. Even better, Stephan will work for beer and doritos and I’m easily bought with Hasbro movie tie-in action figures, talk about a bargain!

And talking about bargains, how was that for you? Free frequently updated content on the tubes, all for the price of ZERO! That’s what Late Night Thing is, priceless entertainment!

Speaking of priceless entertainment, lets just get right to the Palin/Letterman thing, and finally put that garbage to bed since the whole world wide web seems to want to act like they have an opinion on it - including publicity whore #1 herself, Sarah Palin. Someone we might add, who had as many writers working for her during the Presidential campaign last year as Letterman has writing his awful nightly jokes - pretty impressive for a Washington/Hollywood outsider.

But don’t you worry, Palin Camp, nobody hates the Late Show monologue jokes more than Dave Letterman himself. HATES them. He doesn’t want to deliver them, he doesn’t probably even remember half of them a moment after he’s said them, and this is the biggest point - he doesn’t even write them! Sure, there may be a vetting or approval process, but considering he has to fill about an hour a week of tv just on current events punchline jokes, and that’s definitely a lot harder than it looks, we’re sure some stuff might slip through the cracks every now and again.

Sure, in a round about way, Dave is responsible for the staff of trained monkey’s they keep locked up underneath the old Ed Sullivan who churn out the monologue jokes. And sure, hey maybe some of us should have stopped to check and see which Palin daughter was actually in New York with her at the time before we all laughed at the A-rod jab. But for our money, and here’s the catch so many people refuse to accept - when you’re setting up a joke about the daughter of Sarah Palin, who else is there but the one who got knocked up? Seriously? Sarah Palin might have 7 other kids for all any of us know (and LNT dares any of you to name them all without using the internets to cheat - c’mon, double dog dare even!), but the only one that matters as far as monologue jokes go is Bristol. You know, the one who got knocked up by her white trash, gas station attendant boyfriend who called Bristol a bitch on his myspace page and said he’d rather be spinning donuts with his 4×4 at the beach than being a father until he was forced to have some shotgun wedding to appease the GOP only it all fell apart the moment it was clear McCain/Palin were going the same forgotten route as Quayle/Whoever and then who appeared on the cover of People magazine last month holding her dumb baby and wearing that cap and gown like “YAY I DID IT!” ? Yeah, you know, that one?

It’s a comedy show, but not one without it’s own voice and conscience. Dave has a certain political ideology which he wears on his sleeve for everyone to see, he’s not coy about it. And why should he be? Where is this rule that a comedy show should be non-partisan? Fox News doesn’t even believe in reporting facts without bias, why should a show that has a segment called “Will it float?” be held to a higher standard than that? Say what you will about the content, but the best, sharpest comedy always takes a definitive stand on an issue, whether it agrees with that point or not. You have to have a course of logic in your humor to believe in for the punchline to work. You have to. Otherwise you’re, you know, a Wayans Bros. movie (I think you can order tickets for Political Movie on Fandango already!).

Look, Dave apologized more directly to the Palin family than we would ever presume to or think they deserved, but brass tacks time, the monologue jokes ARE hacky. Nobody, including Letterman himself, is disputing that. Monica Lewinsky, Sarah Palin, Clay Aiken, Donald Trump’s hair, Kirstie Alley’s weight, Carrottops… well everything. These are the tenets of late night monologue jokes, they’re quicky 2 punch in-and-outs based on precedence and context that we can all be like AHHH YEAH THAT’S BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT WITH HOOKERS AND BLOW or whatever. They’re disposable placeholders, GET OVER IT. If that’s all you got to be mad about, well lucky for you that Jay and his more conservative sensibility’s will be back in 3 months for you then, yeah?

This tone from the mutants on the right who counter that Dave should or doesn’t make fun of the Obama kids fail again to see the main scope here of precedence and context. What, is he supposed to crack on their spelling bee or crayola crayon collections? What is there TO make fun of? Nobody is making fun of Bristol Palin strictly because of her association to who her mother is. Sure, it’s the reason we know who she is, because her mother and the RNC couldn’t wait to push her down our collective throats. But Bristol has long since garnered plenty of reasons on her own to be made fun of, the least of which being that repugnant cover on People magazine last month. And the right wing certainly had no problem with the numerous jokes Rush Limbaugh has made about Chelsea Clinton, under or of age, through the years - so can we stop will all the feigned fucking outrage please?

Now c’mon, obviously the joke was about Bristol. OBVIOUSLY. Only a creep or a political whore begging for notice would try to imply otherwise. Can we all just get on board and agree with that? How does the joke, bad as it is, even make sense the other way around? Unless you know, the 14 year old daughter really was raped - and well then, we probably still would have laughed. Because we’re horrible human beings.

LNT - Just because we know comedy don’t mean we won’t laugh at a fart joke too.

Now go read the LNT ARCHIVES!