Last week everything was reruns so we had a well deserved break. This week we’re back, but nobody seems to have come with us. Most of our shows are still in reruns and even our beloved vice president of Alaska has quit on us.

“Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I’m doing that - keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities - smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball - for victory.”

Not only was that the most cogent part of the Sarah Palin’s speech, but even it doesn’t make any sense. First from a basketball sense, instead of dribbling through the defense and staring at the basket, shouldn’t she be passing the ball up the court? We never played Div. III College Women’s basketball nor are any of children’s names a reference to ESPN (though our firstborn is named You’reWatching Predator OnAMC), so we might be a little naive about the basketball strategery ourselves. However, game aside, how does she plan on balancing smaller government and national security while providing energy independence? Is her entire platform really “we should drill in that wildlife preserve”? How is that a tenable plan? It would take approximately 10 years to realize any oil from that location and even then it wouldn’t be nearly enough to provide energy independence.

This all leads to one simple question: Why don’t we have a proper opposition? There’s nothing inherently wrong with small government, and yet the only people advocating for it have no actual plan and seem incapable of understanding what a plan actually is (like Palin), are too busy whoring around (this might just be everyone though right and left) to actually do anything, or are busy trying to end the gun-Free School Zones Act of 1990 (Yes, Ron Paul, this is what America needs, more guns in school.). The whole point of democracy is that the people are supposed to have a choice of who represents them. What choice is this?

Seriously. Do any of you right wingers think we’re actually happy that Nancy Pelosi is in charge of anything? Of course not. We don’t look at this (at least we try not to) like some good versus evil struggle, so could you guys do us a favor and do the same. You may have to compromise a little to find somebody competent, and that’s fine. That’s what we just did, look at our president. We really do like the guy, but his policies have been much, much more centrist than even the guy we voted for. Yes, we know you keep telling us he’s a socialist, but that’s because you’re watching Fox News and “socialist” is how they say “black guy” while pretending not to be racist. His choice for Supreme Court? A potentially pro-life Catholic.

Now it’s your turn. Maybe get some business guys who aren’t as socially conservative as you would like, but are all for small government and have some actual ideas for realizing this. It’d be a great change of pace at least. Please. Do it for all of us. It’d be nice to actually discuss policy instead of heaving personal attacks back and forth right? And if you really still want the personal attacks, we can all gang up on Glenn Beck, cuz that guy makes even someone like Palin seem coherent.

Ugh. Enough of this liberal whining and complaining. Let’s get on to some good old fashioned American Television Watching:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Howie Mandel, Alanis Morissette, Death Cab for Cutie
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Hayden Panettiere, Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Andy Samberg, Jorge Garcia, the Lonely Island
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Eric Idle, Dr. Lisa Masterson
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Artie Lange, Adam Perry Lang, No Doubt
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

STEPHAN: Is Howie Mandel the nicest person no one actually likes? Other than his innate fear of other humans (feel free to omit the “other” if you’re wont to assume he’s not one of us at all), he seems to like talking to people and telling bland inoffensive stories. I bet he donates to charity and doesn’t dog fight or molest kids, and yet I don’t know a single person who likes him. Celebrity must be a weird place to live.

That wasn’t an endorsement of Howie, by the way, I don’t like him either. In fact, the only thing I’m watching tonight is Ferguson. Fallon’s a rerun and the Heroes chick has a misspelled tattoo on her back. You think she really has anything interesting to say? On Craig though, Eric Idle is accented, which is always good and then the super foxy Dr. Lisa will pretty up Craiggers’ vag or talk about teen sexuality or something. I’m not totally sure what she does, but she used to be a gynecologist of some sort and that’s good enough for me.

ERECH: Letterman is also going to have Optimus Prime on tonight, delivering the Top 10 list. I know this because everyone I know told me about it over the weekend, because they all know how much I love robits, action men, and mandollies. (Speaking of which, it’s about time we got some new toy reviews up around here, anyone wanna pick up the slack on some of those for me??) If there’s any justice in the world, Optimus Prime will really just be Biff wearing one of those cosplay voice-changer things, but Peter Cullen showing up will be fun too. Finally I’ll have the leader of the Autobots shitting on Sarah Palin resigning as my incoming voice-mail message I’ve always wanted. Punk ass Alaskans*.

Oh yeah, and Hayden Pantyaria is on too. She has boobies and likes dolphins or something.

Yimmy, Jimmy2 and Carson are all on reruns this week, but we’re about done with Carson round these parts anyways. And after that 8 weeks in a row run Fallon had, he deserves a couple weeks off we figure. LNT salutes your tenacity, young James!

Also, Howie Mandel Conze? Seriously? Just because Jay liked to have that jerk on doesn’t mean you have to as well. It’s your show, veto that crap already. The guy is loud, unfunny, and if I was sitting on a couch next to him I’d just constantly be touching and poking at him just to make him flip out on tv - because Huffington Report the next day HELL-OH! What’s his whole thing about not being touched? Is it OCD? It’s always been funny to me how that sort of stuff only exhibits itself in a certain way from people like this. Like, there is no compulsion to avoid picking shitty projects to work on, what kind of of useless obsession is not touching people compared to your career choices? YEAH HAI GUISE I MENTALLY AM UNABLE TO HANDLE BEING TOUCHED BY ANYONE OOH GET AWAY NO NO BUT OH WAIT, YOU WANT ME TO STAR IN THE DIRECT-TO-VIDEO PINOCCHIO 3000? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!?!

Why don’t these guys ever have afflictions that are even slightly helpful, or maybe even fun? What if you couldn’t stop yourself from taking candy from a baby? Or you had to ride a pony to work? It’s always something just annoying and useless, they’re all like crappy Batman villains who do everything they can to tip Batman off to whatever evil scheme they’re up to, by leaving clues and hints and leaving insidious taunting messages - BET YOU CAN’T CATCH ME BATMAN! Only you know, instead of cool, rich, buff hero types, it’s just some five foot eight middle-aged guy who is completely useless in the real world and is willing to sacrifice his dignity forever to pay the rent by starring in anything that pays him in more than a ham sammich.

Useless a-hole with a fake condition. Go blow a latex glove up with your nose again, you jerk.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Connolly, Andrew Bird
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Sacha Baron Cohen, Rob Thomas
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Anne Hathaway, Will Forte, Jon Favreau, Mario Batali
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Evan Rachel Wood, Christopher Gorham
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kathy Griffin, Ramon Rodriguez, Ben Harper
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

ERECH: I get the impression that Dave is in no way prepared to play the character game with Cohen, and said no dice to that business right from the jump. I believe when doing press for Borat a few years back, Cohen also showed up at the Ed Sullivan in a rare out of character appearance then too, even though he was going everywhere else as Borat. Or maybe it’s just a sign of respect for Dave. Not that I’m complaining mind you, Bruno doesn’t have quite the traction Borat has. And while I’m sure the movie will be funny, I’m not really getting the same sort of kicks out of seeing Cohen do the press junket for this as I did for Borat (the Stern show and humping Martha Stewart on Leno were two great highlights).

That’s a pretty great Fallon repeat btw, if you’re going to be up anyways I’d definitely suggest watching it.

STEPHAN: Remember when Rob Thomas did that cameo on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and we all spent the whole episode trying to figure out if it was really the guy or not? I still don’t know. Unless he’s standing next to Santana creating a musical revolution, I don’t have a clue who he is. Sunny is a great show, by the way. So great, that when one of those guys show up in something else I get excited. “Yes, this Law & Order episode just got good!” I might shout. Or perhaps, “What!?! Mac is on Flashback Island? That was Mac, right? Yes. Yes. Yes. I’ll tire her out with my awesome movements.” That’s the magic of television folks. Oh, and Evan Rachel Wood seems like kind of a nutbag. Should be ample fodder for Craigger’s ramshackle, unprepared interviewing style. It’s might just be his week.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Meredith Vierra, Al Madrigal
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Queen Latifah, Emma Watson
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Kelly Ripa, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Amadou & Mariam
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julie Chen, Michael Ian Black, Will Dailey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Arquette, Jill Wagner, Linkin Park
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

STEPHAN: MIB competed with Craig for the Late Late Show. Awkward! Speaking of awkward, is Mark-Paul Gosselaar showing up on Fallon as a character he played 15 years ago kinda weird or kinda awesome? I’m a little torn. If Casper Van Dien showed up as Johnny Rico that would be pretty awesome, but Starship Troopers is actually good (as good as the sequels are bad, in fact). Saved by the Bell, on the other hand, was garbage and that was during a particularly awful period of television. I can’t decide.

ERECH: Not much going on tonight, unless you’re into the young stuff (added bonus; british accent). Craiggers really seems to get along well with Julie Chen. Problem is, I don’t like her because I know if I am seeing her, it’s because that g-darned Big Brother garbage is back on the air. It’s like the hockey season for me, I hate that it exists and it seems to be on like 9 months of the year. Is summer over yet? (Michael Ian Black might be worth tuning in for though!)

Fallon has another great rerun for tonight though, I highly recommend watching this episode if you’re up as well,

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - TBD, Playing For Change
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Daniel Radcliffe, Veronika Part, Levon Helm
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Steve Martin, Paul Simon, Vanessa Williams
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jeff Goldblum, Jackie Collins
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Denzel Washington, Will Ferrell
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

ERECH: Only a few weeks into Conan’s run, and we’re already getting the TBD line-ups. What a crock. That was something that always cheesed me off but good back when he was at 12:35, and now it really cheeses me off something fierce because they should have this stuff under control already. Not to mention it almost always means we’re going to end up with some NBC schlub. I’d assume Matt Lauer or the the black Matt Lauer, Lester Holt (or Al Roker, for the 95% of you reading this who just said “WHO?”), but they’re probably both on the east coast. What crappy nest-egg NBC shill is in LA and able to do anything on a moments notice? Well we’re going to find out tonight, because Meredith Vierra can’t show up two nights in a row, can she? (Although I’m betting I wish she would - she is always GREAT on Conan.)

STEPHAN: Goldblum on Ferguson? Yes, please. And what’s with the A+ Jimmy lineup? Is this a rerun from the NBA Finals or something? The previous A guests this week were David Arquette, Kathy Griffin, and Artie Lange. Now Will Ferrell is the second guest? Spread that out, ABC!

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Bob Newhart, Cat Deeley, Ray LaMontagne
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Rainn Wilson, Larry Miller, Maxwell
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Will Ferrell, Kyra Sedgwick, Mos Def
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ray Romano, Michael Buble
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Magic Johnson, Jack Black, Michael Cera
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

STEPHAN: It’s hard to lose with Newhart, but Cat Deeley and Ray LaMontagne will do what they can to make it happen. Y’know, it’s summer. Don’t be watching this nonsense. Go outside and enjoy the weather. We had extending circumstances last week and had to cancel TV Club. We had the people, but not the location so we ending up going out to the bar. One of the TV Club members (who normally doesn’t go out with us) suggested expanding out and trying to find a new place and it was a revelation. There were two other people in the bar when we got there and they quickly left (we were probably dressed as monsters). There was no jukebox, just T2 on a big TV. Sure, nobody got laid by a stranger in the bathroom, or even got the number of some beguiling stranger, but it really wasn’t bad at all. They had cribbage boards and menus from the pizza joint next door. That’s really not a bad evening.

ERECH: Conan is the place to be tonight. Bob Newhart still has it, and even if Conan can’t seem to interview for crap anymore, just seeing Bob on a talkie again will be great. If there is a god, that whole segment will degenerate into some kind of back and forth between Newhart and Andy, and Conan will just sit back and let the funny happen.

Speaking of, why isn’t Andy involved in the show more? What, was Shadow Stevens busy? They couldn’t have let Stuttering John keep his job as the Tonight Show announcer? Andy is arguably one of the funniest occasionally-working somewhat-overweight white comedians going today, and saying he’s stuck playing second fiddle would mean he’d have to get promoted from fifth first. I don’t care for this having him on the pedestal on the other side of the studio business, and I also don’t care for seeing him standing the whole time either. Maybe it’s the George Costanza in me, but I just want to get him a chair to sit in, for at least the commercials you know? I just feel like Andy is going to get burnt out quickly in this role, or at least disinterested in sticking around after whatever pile-of-money contract they threw at him expires. Having Andy Richter back with Conan on paper sounded like a dream come true for insomnia-nerds the world over, but as we’ve seen, it hasn’t really played out very well at all, yeah?

Get it together, O’brien!

And now it time for the boys of Late Night Thing to get it together, and close this weeks column out, with An Argument in Favor of Megan Fox

(Yes. You read that correctly.)

The boys here at LNT have been a little down on Ms. Fox. Stephan wrote a few weeks back:

“Why do we have Megan Fox? Angelina Jolie still hasn’t made anything worth watching why do we need a dumber, less talented version? Usually we hate when actresses shout about how there are no good parts for them, but Megan Fox’s career might just be enough to push us over that fence.”

This seems to sort of sum up people’s problems with Megan Fox: that she’s (a) dumb and (b) untalented. (And then there are the weird quasi-feminist HuffPo commenters who think she’s too skinny and perpetuating bad stereotypes/poor rolemodels for teh ladies. To them, to quote the internets, stfu. Not all ladies can be BBWs. There are actually quite a few healthy, thin hotties. Stop projecting.)

re: Megan Fox is dumb.

Megan Fox is not the smartest actress ever. Nope. Not even close. She ain’t no Natalie Portman or Jodie Foster. But she isn’t the dumbest actress ever, either. She might be just about average. And for her age/peer group, that’s probably ahead of the curve. She has a sensibility about her career (or what there is of it so far) that can be appreciated. IMDb lists among her many quotes the following:

“Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of and if I weren’t attractive I wouldn’t be working at all” and “I didn’t decide I’m gonna be an actress cause I wanna be respected for how I play chess.”

She knows why she’s employed and she knows what her job is. It isn’t to be a UN ambassador or become fluent in other languages or get a college degree. It’s to look slutty hot and run from robits. And if you’re going to do that, it’s pretty smart to do it in a Michael Bay movie that’s going to make you a lot of dollars.

re: Megan Fox is untalented.

Megan Fox knows this is probably true and therefore isn’t running around the world lamenting that she isn’t being offered the same roles as Ms. Johansson or Ms. Portman. She has made comments which could be interpreted to be about Michael Bay building movies on special effects rather than creating opportunity for and showcasing solid, profound acting (to which Mr. Bay responded that Megan Fox says ridiculous things…which she absolutely does, but that thing that she just said about your movies, Mr. Bay, is super true), although others interpreted this to mean that she thinks she isn’t being offered any good roles. She followed up by saying:

“I mean, I can’t s— on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don’t want to blow smoke up people’s a–. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting.”

No ess-hit. That beyond clarifies the previous statement. IMDb says that Megan Fox has also said she will not be winning any Oscars soon because she is not Meryl Streep and that she hasn’t really had/taken an opportunity to prove her acting ability yet. Maybe she has skillz, maybe not. But she seems to know what talent is and that she hasn’t shown it yet. That’s good, right?

Have you seen Angelina Jolie lately? Lady’s getting a little old to be running around in tiny shorts, and the whole saving-the-world’s-children-and-having-a-life-partner thing is a real boner-killer (or dries up the panties). Time for a new generation to take the reins. And if you’re going to have this sort of actress–the kind who will happily fill the “hot pouty slut running from blowing up stuff” roles–it should definitely be someone like Megan Fox. She markets the crap out of those robits. She shows up to all the premiers looking like hotness. She says some silly stuff (which seems to be often due to the fact that she is 23 and silly), but she has thus far seemed pretty enthusiastic about promoting her movies. She seems to enjoy the movie-making process and thinks the explosions are cool, her co-workers are cool, etc. She seemed pretty excited (in a serious, ungiddy way) telling David about her stunt double almost getting blown up making Transformies 2, in a way that made me think she appreciates and is a little awe-struck by the work everyone put into that piece of garbage movie. We’ll take that any day over old-ass “I’m a serious actress but I only make movies when I need dollars to save nem childrens” Angelina Jolie. Or Kirsten Dunst, who was super duper uncool about promoting Spidey 3, and yet can’t seem to wait to jump back in for a 4th go-round. Or Lindsay “cocaine all over my sweatshirt” Lohan, who can’t figure out why she isn’t being offered srs business roles. We can’t waste our precious Scarletts and Natalies by putting them in these horrible blockbuster roles. And if a terrible blockbuster-y movie is going to be made and require some hot eye candy for nerd-girls and -boys to fap to, then good on Megan Fox for getting that paycheck.

Late Night Thing - Taking the other side.

Now go read the LNT ARCHIVES!!

* 4 nerds who actually paid attention to the non-punchy parts of Transformer: The Worst Sequel Evar will get that.