Week we’ve-totally-stopped-pretending-to-count-teen!

2009 LNT vow #1: We’re not mentioning Sarah Palin again. Enough of this. We’ve mentioned in the past our distaste for not having an actual opposition party, but this constant rigmarole is not helping. So, we’re going to do what we can and she just plain doesn’t exist for us. Unless she turns out to be a serial killer or a vampire or possibly both. Also, if she goes into space we’ll talk about that, but that’s more about space than anything else. Anything else, we just can’t keep this up. Us complaining about having to hear about her is hypocrisy itself.

Yes, the ball has to start rolling somewhere and we’re stepping up, mixing our metaphors and taking one for the team. We can do this, and while we’re probably going to forget and start ranting, it’s something, right?

Speaking of something, the lineups this week are certainly something. The New Prime version of the Zone hasn’t yet found it’s stride, but is this week, scroll on down and find out:

Monday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Bill Engvall, the cast of “Hair”
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jonah Hill, Gar Ryness, Kelly Clarkson
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Dylan McDermott, Wendy Williams
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Selma Blair, Connie Schultz
• Jimmy Kimmel Live -Kobe Bryant, Derek Fisher & other members of the L.A. Lakers, 3OH!3
• Last Call with Carson Daly - RERUN WHO CARES

STEPHAN: Assuming this is a new episode, this will be Connie Schultz’s fifth appearance on Ferguson. FIFTH! Since her blowup with Jeff Jarvis about the future of newspapers (or more specifically, the machinations that will enable newspapers to continue to exist) happened only two weeks ago, the odds are good we’ll get lots of fiery rhetoric about copyright law and Craiggers doing some accented shouting. Plus, LNT fave, Selma Blair is on too. Sidenote: Some well-intentioned e-mailers have argued that Selma Blair’s career is no better than perennial paragon of hate, Megan Fox’s career. Thank you for being ridiculous. Was Megan Fox in The Adventures of Pete & Pete or, more importantly, Brain Candy? Of course not. Even Selma’s summer blockbuster (Hellboy II) is way better.

ERECH: Having a hard time getting excited for anything but Dave tonight. That Dylan McDermott show on TNT or whatever seems like the worst thing ever, if not the most annoying ad campaign for a show not called HawthoRNe. Just weird, angry dudes yelling stuff with cuts to guns and nice cars - bleh. Don’t these jerks know you can’t just whip out a crappy 80’s scenario genre cop show anymore since The Wire came out? It’s like The Dark Knight complex - we’ve all moved past the herp & derp BIFF BOOM POW level of crappy superhero/comic movies, into a realm of hyper-realism, and there’s no going back. What, you think you’re gonna whip out Mystery Men on us now and we’re not going to say anything? (ok sure, we all hated that then too, but I’m not sure the Hollyweirdo’s have enough hubris to try that trick on us again anymore, right?) Same thing with cop shows. You gotta do more than have gel in your hair to get me to tune in, jerks, and Dylan McDermott ain’t the way to get it done neither. Blech.

Tuesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Michael Phelps, Sugar Ray
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Edie Falco, Michael Showalter, Wilco with Feist
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seann William Scott, Keyshawn Johnson, Daniel Merriweather
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - John Larroquette, Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Sean Patrick McGraw
• Last Call with Carson Daly - ANOTHER RERUN WHAT A JERK

ERECH: I’m in but good for seeing the Scot and Larroquette talk. I have no idea why, but that seems like it will either be a lot of fun, kind of awkward, or just plain weird. Is there any way any of those outcomes sounds like a bad night of talkies? (NO!)

Conan’s lineup tonight, well pretty much all this week, well pretty much since he took over the show, has stunk. Sugar Ray?? Isn’t the frontman the dude who hosts that low rent TMZ show?!? And c’mon, correct me if I am mistaken, but unless it’s 2012 (the end is nigh!) or he’s actually developed the ability to smoke bongs underwater, why the hell are we even pretending to care what Phelps has to say? He’s just some dumb kid, one who has a lot of medals for doing something most of us care nothing about (seriously, when was the last time you went swimming - I’m gonna say for me it might be close to a decade. What’re we, 8 years old?), who got into some trouble for being a dumb kid. Why is he on what should be the hottest show on tv this summer?

Get it together, Conan. The show is falling apart around you, the guests are all middle of the road, boring washes. You’re getting beat up by Dave in the ratings (yeah yeah, we understand the demographics value, but in this economy we all know the 18-49 isn’t quite the catch it used to be) and he’s barely even trying. I mean, Dave has Wilco with Feist on tonight - and I’ll just let Stephan tell you all why that’s no good at all.

STEPHAN: This is the part of the column where we finally admit that Feist isn’t really anything that special as a musician. She’s doesn’t have a strong voice and she’s not a particularly good guitarist. Sure, she’s attractive compared to other indie rock mutants, but what does that have to do with her singing? I will admit that she seems nice and she likes Stephen Colbert, so she’s definitely more worthy of airtime than, say, Megan Fox, but let’s calm it on down on the Feist bandwagon, folks. Essentially what I’m trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with liking her music, but please stop telling me how great she is. Thanks.

Is Michael Showalter getting to be the B guest on Letterman this week better than Michael Ian Black being the A guest on Craiggers last week? And, who decides this stuff? Does Dave not like MIB for some reason? Does he especially like Sho? I hope this issue is the extent of the interview.

Wednesday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Dana Carvey, Kris Allen
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Paul McCartney
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Kevin Connolly, Alexa Chung, Aimee Mann
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Rosie Perez, Alan Furst
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Larry King
• Last Call with Carson Daly - THIS GUY CAN’T FILL 23 MINUTES A NIGHT?

STEPHAN: Now Aimee Mann is more like it. She’s the best and you won’t go wrong tuning into the end of Fallon tonight. In fact, the rest of his lineup is a little AIDS-y, so you’re best best is to get up for a glass of milk (or cabernet sauvignon) and watch Aimee kill it and then go back to bed. Or if you’re a fan of giant breasts and the mute button on your television, watch Rosie Perez and Craiggers go at it, then switch over to Aimee.

ERECH: McCartney and out for me tonight. I’m going to assume we get more guests than this, but I’d be just ok with watching Dave and Paul chat for a bit, then shutting the show out with a song.

Everyone else is pretty much daring me to pass out though, and I’m never one to pass up a dare - so consider your challenge accepted!

Thursday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Gerard Butler, Daughtry
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Anderson Cooper, Anna Paquin, Grizzly Bear
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Anna Paquin, Bill Engvall, the Jonas Brothers
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Isaac Mizrahi, Shohreh Aghdashloo
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Zooey Deschanel, Terrell Owens
• Last Call with Carson Daly - WHY DOES NBC PAY HIM AGAIN??

ERECH: I just need to tell the internets one thing before I go any further - SCREW YOU for not telling me Rogue gets naked on that HBO vampire show! Not that that would have actually gotten me to watching it, because I think we’ve had just about enough of that sort of business lately, but still. C’mon guys, seriously not cool. I thought we was bros? Naked superhero chicks and stuff, yo.

Yimmy is rocking Deschanel Proper tonight, and yes I know we’ve ran through that debate plenty of times already around these parts - and technically Emily even came out on top. But I think we all know who the real talent in that family is, yeah? (yes!) Either way, Kimmel is looking good, although not as good as getting The Trailer Park Boys on there sometime soon (next week maybe, mark your calendars talkie-nerds!). Will the meeting of Bubbles and Guillermo be anything short of internet destroying? (probably!)

STEPHAN: What happened to Anna Paquin? She used to an actress or something, right? Now she’s regularly getting topless on a pretty mediocre HBO show. Did she blow all that X-Men money already? Was she not the girl from X-Men? Am I thinking of someone else? She was that girl from The Piano, right? You can do better Anna (probably)! You used to do better anyways.

Friday:

• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Seth Green, Steven Ho, Demi Lovato
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Tom Arnold, Tommy Johnagin, Metric
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - The Dead Weather
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Mike Massimino, Ray LaMontagne
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Josh Lucas, Danica Patrick, Daughtry
• Last Call with Carson Daly - LET STEPHAN & ERECH HAVE THAT SLOT, NBC!

STEPHAN: Mike Massimino is an astronaut. Craiggers is always good with the science guys and I will watch anything involving astronauts. And, well, if you need help with how to spend a Friday night from some dudes on the internet, you’ve got nothing better to do than listen to astronaut stories.

ERECH: Dave is closing things out this week strong, watching that ex(?) cokeface wormy goof Arnold, into the reasonably funny yukkities of Johnagin, sounds good to me. You know the boys of LNT support young comics around here whenever we can, especially ones who look sharp in suits. Yep, that’s all it takes to make us laugh - ‘tater jokes and pinstriped suits.

Word.

And there we go, another Late Night Thing for the history books. Speaking of books, it’s time to change things up around here. No incestuous in-fighting amongst LNT staff and their significant others in the outro this week (yeesh, Megan Fox? Really??). And no cheap jabs at dumb message board people from the internets either. Nope, this week LNT is putting away the negativity*, and are ready to champion some stuff this week big time.

First up, LNT wants to give a little bump to The Nobody - the new graphic novel by Jeff Lemire published by Vertigo that came out last week - good stuff. As good as it gets right now too. Lemire’s subtle scribbles and pacing have so far put him in nearly a league of his own in comics right now, and The Nobody seems like it’s going to keep him excelling along on that path too.

The tiny, isolated fishing village of Large Mouth never saw much excitement — until the arrival of the stranger, that is. Wrapped from head to toe in bandages and wearing weird goggles, he quietly took up residence in the sleepy town’s motel. Driven by curiosity, the townfolk quickly learn the tragic story of his past, and of the terrible accident that left him horribly disfigured. Eventually, the town embraces the stranger as one of their own — but do his bandages hide more than just scars?
Inspired by H.G. Wells’ The Invisible Man, THE NOBODY explores themes of identity, fear and paranoia in a small community from up-and-coming alternative comics creator and Xeric Award-winner Jeff Lemire (The Essex County Trilogy) in a special two-color story that’ll have you guessing until the very end.

Advance-solicited; on sale July 29 • 6.75” x 10.25”, 144 pg, 2-color, $19.99 US • MATURE READERS

(psst - buy it, kids!)

And up next, and we’d be remiss in talking about this considering all the whining we do about comics, is DC comics Wednesday Comics (that’s a lot of comics!)!

WEDNESDAY COMICS is unique in modern comics history: Reinventing the classic weekly newspaper comics section, it is a 16-page weekly that unfolds to a sprawling 28″ x 20″ tabloid-sized reading experience bursting with mind-blowing color, action and excitement, with each feature on its own 14″ x 20″ page.

Spearheaded by DCU Editorial Art Director Mark Chiarello, whose past editing credits include BATMAN BLACK and WHITE, DC: THE NEW FRONTIER and SOLO, each page of WEDNESDAY COMICS spotlights the continuing adventures of DC heroes, including:

• BATMAN, WEDNESDAY COMICS’ weekly cover feature, by the Eisner Award-winning 100 BULLETS team of writer Brian Azzarello and artist Eduardo Risso
• ADAM STRANGE, by writer/artist Paul Pope (BATMAN: YEAR 100)
• METAMORPHO, written by New York Times best-selling writer Neil Gaiman with Art by Eisner Award-winner Michael Allred (Madman)
• THE DEMON AND CATWOMAN, written by Walter Simonson (Thor, MANHUNTER) with Art by famed DC cover artist Brian Stelfreeze
• DEADMAN, written by Dave Bullock and Vinton Heuck, Art by Dave Bullock
• KAMANDI, written by Dave Gibbons (WATCHMEN, GREEN LANTERN CORPS) with Art by Ryan Sook (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, ARKHAM ASYLUM: LIVING HELL)
• SUPERMAN, written by John Arcudi (The Mask) with Art by Lee Bermejo (JOKER)
• WONDER WOMAN, written and illustrated by Ben Caldwell (Dare Detectives)
• GREEN LANTERN, written by Kurt Busiek (TRINITY, ASTRO CITY) with Art by Joe Quiñones (TEEN TITANS GO!)
• TEEN TITANS, written by Eddie Berganza with Art by Sean Galloway
• SUPERGIRL, written by Jimmy Palmiotti (JONAH HEX) with Art by Amanda Conner (POWER GIRL)
• HAWKMAN, written and illustrated by Kyle Baker (PLASTIC MAN, Special Forces)
• SGT. ROCK, written by Adam Kubert (SUPERMAN: LAST SON), ilustrated by legendary comics artist Joe Kubert
• THE FLASH, written by Karl Kerschl (TEEN TITANS YEAR ONE, THE FLASH: THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE) and Brenden Fletcher, illustrated by Karl Kerschl
• METAL MEN, written by Dan DiDio with Art by Ian Churchill (SUPERGIRL)

C’mon, doesn’t that sound awesome? (it is!)

There haven’t been as many reviews of comics, toys and other pop-culturey junk around lately as there should be, but you better believe that down here at Murdershow HQ we’re hard at work tearing through all that stuff to help you find good things to waste your time on all the same.

LNT - just because we hate a lot of stuff, doesn’t mean we don’t like a lot of stuff too.

Read the LNT ARCHIVES!

*The boys of LNT would like to point out that they don’t actually feel their comments here are based out of any negativity, but rather a positive slant to keep you, the thrifty consumer at home, from wasting your valuable time and money on garbage entertainment. We can all admit there is such a thing, right? And who better to jump out in front of the bullet that is shows like HawthoRNe, Kings, or Cupid 2.0 but these 2 slobs? Stephan & Erech are only doing it for you, remember that!