BACK!

All right, all right, dear readers, so the Index idea needs some cleaning up. Fair enough. The point is that to make it to the Index, everyone on staff has to agree that the thing is good. No hold outs. This way, when you get to it, you’ll know it’s good. Of course, since all the mail we got seems to indicate that we’re only good at hating things, we’ve decided to include that stuff too. Unanimity is the watchword of this thing. Sure, most of us think How I Met Your Mother is an absolute waste of a great cast, but because one of our beloved interns has all the DVDs, it won’t make the Index. At least, until they’re gone. Then it makes it twice to make up for lost time.

While the voting process is still progressing (and by “progressing,” we, of course, mean “getting drunk on red wine and shouting about Ted Danson”) we’re going to continue our Primetime Fall TV Guide.

All Times EST/PST (STILL OBVS)

Sept. 23: Modern Family (9:00, ABC); Cougartown (9:30, ABC)

ABC is on comedy fire all of a sudden. Last year they gave us the second best new show of the year in Better Off Ted (for those of you playing along at home, Party Down was the clear number one), and this year they’ve got an entire hour of potential comedy gold. Unless something goes truly wrong, Modern Family is going to be a winner.

Yes, we know the show is called Cougartown, and we’re not any happier about it than you are. The only thing explanation we could think of is that they’re going for the irony-hardened douches in Silverlake and Williamsburg, who will absolutely be unable to resist a name that awful.

But, once you get past the name, well, it’s only going to be a slightly better version of Scrubs. Really, the only reason we’re recommending this is because of Busy Phillips. If it’s good enough for Kim Kelly, it’s good enough for us. (Honestly, unless you’re a Scrubs super fan, you’re going to be better off just re-watching Modern Family.)

Sept. 24: Flash Forward (, ABC)

So, what if it’s nothing more than a Flashback Island clone? That show is ending in May, so we have to have something else to obsess over anyways. And, since Dollhouse. is still relegated to Friday, this will have to be it. Besides, it has Penelope Widmore in it, and in the future she sees herself with another man. This is a clear path to Desmond showing up and everyone being happy at last.

Sept. 25: Dollhouse (9:00, Fox)

Sure this show started as absolute trash. Whedon got stymied by Fox’s meddling and stopped caring about the show. The first five episodes are no different than V.I.P.. Oh, look, our acting deficient lead is dressed like a hooker every week and then solves a crime. Hooray! This nonsense may have worked in the 90s (Of course, back then Melrose Place worked too, and we can all see how well that’s going today.), but we’ve got the internet now. 13 year old boys are slightly smarter (Perhaps, more jaded? They can’t possibly be smarter, can they?) and the ratings died, and so to, must the notes from corporate because by the time Patton Oswalt showed up things starting turning around. The show turned ensemble and they even started toying around with a season long arc. Then, knowing they were about to be canceled, the Dollhouse team made their final episode, THE final, ultimate episode (which never actually aired, of course, but is available on DVD and Blu-ray). At least it was until they were picked up for another season. So, now things are going to get interesting. We’ve seen the end game, but how are they going to get there? And more importantly, how can a ratings-challenged show pick up any audience when they’re doing everything they can to lock the casual viewer out? It’s going to be fun finding out.

Sept. 27: Dexter (9:00, Showtime)

By this point, we all know what Dexter is. Dexter, the character, is part superhero, mostly monster. Dexter, the show, is 12 episodes of getting Dexter in trouble killing minor enemies and then setting up one big antagonist that he must stop in the last episode so we can all go back to pretending he’s not mostly monster. The fact that this show is getting a fourth season is a testament solely to Michael C. Hall’s acting chops. The non-Dexter part of the show doesn’t help him one bit. The non-Dexter cop stuff is a rote/boring police procedural (although C.S. Lee’s Vince Masuka does provide a notable bright spot) and the home life is boring (though Julie Benz is as effervescent as always, and sometimes she even gets gloriously topless, which is certainly a thing). So, really the show comes down to Dexter versus the Big Bad. With the exception of season 2’s dour Lila, the Big Bad has given Hall enough to play off of to keep the show clicking. And after watching the pilot, we’re convinced that this season will be no different. John Lithgow, in full on creepshow mode, fits the bill perfectly. This is going to be a good one, folks.

Sept. 28: Lie to Me (9:00, Fox)

Okay, so, this one might be a bit of a stretch. The first season was a waste of a pretty great concept (and a pretty decent cast to boot). Each character talked in exposition and each story wrapped up too easily. However, Fox brought in Shawn Ryan, the creator of The Unit and The Shield to fix all that, and we’re betting he can. Hopefully.

Ugh, enough of that primetime nonsense, let’s get to the real reason we’re all here:

Monday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Jennifer Garner, Rep. Barney Frank
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Ricky Gervais, “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian, Lynyrd Skynyrd
• The Late Show with David Letterman - President Barack Obama
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Clive Owen, Joanna Garcia, Living Colour
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Marg Helgenberger, Dule Hill, Black Joe Lewis & the Honeybears
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Robin Williams, Bobcat Goldthwait, Matt & Kim
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Alison Brie, Brian Deegan, Franz Ferdinand

STEPHAN: Big Gervais night tonight on NBC. The best Gervais, Ricky, is in the Zone tonight, followed by fan favorite Clive Warren on Fallon. In a perfect world, Rebecca De Mornay would show up announcing a new season of John From Cincinnati. That would be the best. Why does magical realism have to be confined to Central America? Would it be such a crime to get just a pinch of that going up here?

ERECH: Leno having Barney Frank on is going to be awkward and unfun to watch, and will definitely end up on HuffPo tomorrow (if it isn’t there already). Leno will pretend to be hard-hitting on “average joe” issues, and then segue it into some second unit bit that goes on too long where he wears a funny hat and Kevin Eubanks gets called a gay in it. Again.

Lets talk about Leno for a minute, since we’re on that. First week is down, and wow, not so good. He bled half his viewers from Monday to Tuesday night’s show, which was to be expected. Bleeding another 2 million from Tuesday to Wednesday though was a bit of a shocker. I was hoping/expecting to see his show settle into a nice 7-8 million a night area, and I suppose that still could be the case, but for awhile it seems at least he’ll be getting about the same ratings as two Bill O’Reilly’s do a night.

But can I break it down even more? The Bad - first of all, that hair. He looks like he got a makeover at a mall by someone who was fired from the Fashion Bug for stealing, seriously. No, it’s bad. Wearing far too much makeup, AND rouge, on top of the coifed dusty mane? Who told him he could do that and be allowed on tv? It’s awful. I didn’t buy an HDtv for this, damnit. Someone give him a donut and a cigarette, fast!

Next, we have the comedy, or “comedy” as I’ve been informed I am required to call it. Look, I like Jim Norton as much as the next guy, and I laughed as hard as anyone when Dan Finnerty put dirty words in the songs in Old School, but that’s the comedy we’re to expect? Neither of the bits starring the aforementioned guys had any legs, and felt horribly underwritten, let alone to pull off for 3-4 minutes of primetime with. Jay Leno is one of the most powerful stand-ups in the world, he can’t pull any funnier friends out of his ass for his premiere week? I appreciate him wanting to give some airtime to some lesser appreciated talent, believe me I do - but this isn’t the time for that Jay. You have to punch the funny down our throats, and big time too.

Finally, can we talk about the seating arrangements please? Just what was that about? The two sofa chairs are far too casual to feel as stuffy as they did, and really made the rest of that studio set appear like what someone from the 70’s would imagine the future was going to look like. Bring back the desk, or lose the sitting bits Jay, because nobody wants to see you having a casual chat with your pal Courtney Cox, yeah?

Now lets talk about fixing this show. I still think it has potential, that’s the optimist in me, coupled with the guy who loves talk shows so much he writes about them every week. I want this show to succeed - because I absolutely hate all the scripted television that airs at 10pm every night anyways, and nothing would make me happier than to see that whole genre of crappy medical shows, lawyer bullshit, and soap opera nonsense disappear.

Nobody expected you to actually come out and do The Tonight Show under a new name, and yet that’s exactly what you did. I couldn’t believe the pair of balls Leno had to come out that first night and do a monologue acting as if the last 3-4 months hadn’t happened at all. Amazing. However, you want to do Tonight Show Jr., then expand on that. Second unit bits are the key here, and what Jay and his crew were always best at. Bring back Ross the intern, Kellie Pickler, and Mitch Fatel. Film them being funny and awkward out and about at events and conventions. Drop all this Jay and Kevin are palling about business, because we all know you two hardly talk to each other when the cameras aren’t on. Go out and discover your next Angela Ramos and give her to us until we’re sick of her, then go off and find another one after that! I may not enjoy Leno the talk show host, but I do appreciate his ability to showcase how funny and stupid we the people can be, and those are always the best bits on the show.

Lastly Jay, kill the interviews. KILL THEM. This isn’t The Tonight Show, and you were never very good at talking to famous people anyways. Make it more of a variety show vibe. Bring out your comedy friends and talk off the cuff. Some celeb wants to whore out their latest piece of garbage film? Make them fly to the National Hog Calling Championships in Illinois and film a bit there before they can show a clip. Who cares if Megan Fox has nice boobies - wouldn’t we all rather see her forced to interact with real human beings before we pretend we don’t want to punch her in the face in every movie she’s ever been in?

Yes, I think we do. Get it together Jay.

Oh like anyone is talking about anything but this tonight anyways:

Tuesday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Pee Wee Herman, Amy Poehler
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Rebecca Romijn, Lisa Lampanelli, Monsters of Folk
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Former President Bill Clinton, LeBron James
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Chris Paul
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Reba McEntire, Dave Annable
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Duchovny, Carmelo Anthony, Kid Cudi
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Stan Lee, Mat Kerney

ERECH: Letterman is going for the throat tonight, holy cow. I’m not even going to pretend I’m watching anything but Dave.

Although Seth Meyers has been a good guest on Fallon so far, so I’ll check out that segment for sure.

STEPHAN: Conan hitting on Rebecca Romijn was a lot cuter when she was married to that Greek douche. Now they’re both a little too old and settled (more so settled than old) for this to still be cute. Instead, celebrate the NBA with somebody from that illustrious league showing up on every other show tonight. The best of the best is going to be Carmelo. He’s not only a great player, but you’re not stuck sitting through Seth Meyers first to get to him (Sorry, Mr. Paul).

Wednesday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Vince Vaughn, Al Michaels, Bob Costas
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Martin Short, Tim Gunn, Wynonna
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Simon Baker, Mary J. Blige
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Amy Poehler, Dan Fogler, Parkour athletes
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ken Tucker, Arctic Monkeys
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Courteney Cox, Jessica Capshaw, the first “Dancing with The Stars” castoff
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Ryan Friendlinghaus, Amazing Baby

STEPHAN: Martin Short! Martin Short! Martin Short! That Zone is going to be a good one. It’s not going to be limited to the Martin Short stuff either, but also Conan’s going to grill Tim Gunn on his purchase of Marvel. My guess is there’s going to be a lot of Alpha Flight talk. (Cuz they had a gay dude. And Tim Gunn is like a gay dude too. At least I think he was gay, he might have just been Canadian. Northstar was his name?)

ERECH: NBC wants Parks & Recreations to succeed so badly, SOOOO much so it’s kind of sad. Look, I like the people on it, they’re all hilarious as it gets. That show though? Nuh uh, not doing it for me, even a little. Maybe in a few years, I’ll sit back and watch the DVD’s and be like “Oooooooh, now I get it!”, but for now, I can’t give it my seal of approval.

I am interested in watching Leno tonight, I like all those guys just enough to not change the channel, and seriously what else is going to be on? 4 more reruns of NCIS on USA or something? BLARGH.

Thursday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Rush Limbaugh, Smokey Robinson with Joss Stone
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Joel McHale, India.Arie
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Craig Ferguson, Snow Patrol, Top Ten List by New Zealand Prime Minister John Key
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Megan Fox, Anthony Anderson, Phoenix
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jason Schwartzman, Angela Kinsey
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Rob Lowe, Lisa Lampanelli, pizza throwers Chris Green, Sam Niemeier and Ryan Larose, a special appearance by Tommy Lasorda
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Mike Henry, Paolo Nutini

ERECH: What, are you kidding me? Conservative heel Leno is coming around the bases tonight with one of the most vile famous people alive today, for what? Shock? Ratings pull? Is there anything that Rush has to say that we should care about even a little? C’mon Jay, and after I said all those nice things about your show earlier too? Blech.

Hey, Jimmy2 has like half the cast of that giant fighting-robitty movie from a few years back. I don’t know what that means, but having Phoenix on afterwards makes this show a definite worth watching episode, yes yes.

I think I like Paolo Nutini, right? We like him a little, don’t we? Good on Carson for getting someone mildly on my radar. NOT going to watch it tonight, but still, A for effort and all that.

STEPHAN: What’s going on over at Letterman tonight? Is Craiggers on his book tour or something? Everyone who would watch his show is already aware of it, right? It comes on right after Dave. If someone already watches Dave they’ve seen at least one Ferguson monologue, so just having Craiggers on talking about his show seems a little pointless. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll gladly watch, but I already watch Ferguson’s show, and thus far when showing up on Letterman, he hasn’t really prepared any bits or anything special. Of course, the New Zealand Prime Minister is doing the Top 10 list, so all bets are already off. (And, yes, Rush Limbaugh is absolutely reprehensible. Our country, the United States of America, works because we distill every issue down to two sides and let the best side win. Sure, it’s a stupid system, but it kinda works. Or at least it would if both sides were decent. Now, one side, led by Limbaugh and the spineless pricks like him have embraced shouting lunatic fringe and are progressively ruining our dumb system. Thanks guys. An actual conservative voice would be really handy right now. A public option is not going to save the health care system be itself. We need genuine reform and we’re going to end up with an even more expensive mess. I kind of hate to say it, but David Brooks has made a very solid argument right here. Of course, instead of having an adult conversation about the real costs of health care, we have people bringing guns to town hall meetings and comparing Obama to Hitler. Thanks guys!)

Friday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Hugh Laurie, LeBron James
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Teri Hatcher, Seth MacFarlane, Rodrigo y Gabriela
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Bruce Willis, LL Cool J
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Julianna Margulies, Kevin Smith
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ted Danson, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - LeBron James, his high school basketball teammates Dru Joyce, Romeo Travis, Sian Cotton and Willie McGee, Esther Dean
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Mekhi Phifer, Ladyhawke

STEPHAN: That Ferguson episode tonight is the clear cut winner. Ted Danson brings it. Always. He’s already the best part of Bored to Death and that show has Zatch on it! Plus, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord used to make Clone High and if you were high that show was awesome. And let’s be fair, if you’re watching any of these Friday night shows (Tivo or not), you’re gonna be high (even people with babies sleep through these), so those guys’ll be exactly what you’re looking for.

ERECH: Closing out the week with a couple of wash outs on Fallon, that sexist homophobe Future on Carson, and Uncle L on Letterman. Something went way wrong with tonight’s scheduling, because up until tonight, I could at least find one show I would want to sit all the way through. All I can think when I see this is how weird it is that Teri Snatcher is actually A listing over MacFarlane, because somehow that doesn’t seem right AT ALL. I mean, I hope they both get hit by trains and everything, but just in the grand scheme of tv fame and all, Seth has to be pulling in the bigger bucks than Lois Lame (get it?!) there, right?

Thank God I have a pill popping problem lately, because I’m going to need a big glass of water to wash this night out of my brainpan. Boo.

And speaking of Boo, Halloween is fast approaching. Down here at LNT HQ, the boys like to spook the place up, so all the kiddies are nice and scared before eating their candy. And what’s scarier than two drunken men describing their first sexual encounters to children they’ve only just met? NOTHING.

Halloween means a lot around here, but we’ll talk more about that in the coming weeks. In the meantime though, thanks to our very own Late Night Thing correspondent Matt MacFarland, LNT has a brand new weekly feature - the worst line-up of the week award! Each week Stephan & Erech will single out the show which has the worst guests on it, and shower it with scorn and ridicule, and even a fancy graphic too (image rights pending!)

This week was an easy call, didn’t even have to think about it for a second. Friday night’s Fallon show with Julianna Margulies and Kevin Smith is so rotten, we’re pretty sure Jimmy himself doesn’t want to watch it happen - and he gets paid to be there. Congrats Fallon, you won the first award we’ve ever given out here, and we’re sure it’s just the first of more to come.

LNT - How long will it be before we have our own awards show now?

Read the LNT ARCHIVES!