ANOTHER WEEK!

So, that happened. We’re, um, well, we’re not really ready to talk about it. Maybe by the end of this thing, we’ll have something to say.

Instead, lets talk about the reaction to the thing. We here at LNT are mostly atheistic, maybe closer to agnostic, but either way, we don’t believe in magic, and we don’t really understand the need to moralize everything. But we really don’t understand the response from our side either. Calling someone stupid (even if they are stupid) who has chosen to live according to an irrational belief system is about the worst thing you can do if you ever want to actually affect change. That person already lives in the fear that they’re wasting their life and are not going to get that sky cookie at the end of their journey. And the fear of losing that sky cookie isn’t even as bad as the fear of whatever chaos they were dealing with before they heard about the cookie, so we’re already dealing with two levels of fear here. Instead of calling them stupid or trying to have a logical debate with them (Remember, they’ve already devoted their existence to an irrational belief system, why would you think logic was going to do anything for them?), we should be working on assuaging the fears that entrap people in that irrationality in the first place. People don’t just because religious whackos. Things have to go wrong first.

And, sure, writing books about non-religious Christmas memories is nice, but the only people buying those books are people who are already on your side. What good does that really do? We get emboldened? Does our side need to be emboldened? Yeah, not really. So, what should we do? We’re glad you asked, why not join the red cross (or at least donate some money)? We know the cross part makes it look religious, but since its inception, it’s been free of most of the tangles of religion. And, it’s only agenda is humanitarian relief (something that doesn’t involve anyone re-trenching with their stupid beliefs). That’s how we’re going to win the war on excessive or misguided morality. Not name calling or even a logical debate, we can help make the conditions that foster religion disappear. And then, maybe that logical debate will actually do some good.

Now, let’s get to something we can all agree on, television:

Monday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Jamie Foxx, Joe Torre
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Ellen Page, Kevin Nealon, Dierks Bentley
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Steve Martin, Lea Michelle
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Kristen Wiig, David Wells, Christopher Cross
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Michael Sheen, Viola Davis, Jack Ingram
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - David Alan Grier 10-year-old vacuum expert Gregory Evans, Pink
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Seth Green, Kevin Lyman, Pete Yorn

STEPHAN: I would be really excited about that Steve Martin appearance on Dave if he hadn’t played that awful banjo song last time he was on SNL. Now I’m just afraid of him pulling that ess on Dave and really bumming everyone out.

ERECH: Martin Short is going to sneak into the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight though, so that might make up for the Steven Martin banjo business some.

Well look what we have here? A somewhat enticing line-up of people I almost care about on Carson (Daly) tonight. Neither Green nor Yorn are going to actually get me to tune in, but I imagine at some point in the future this rerun will be on, and I’ll be up that late, and I can promise you I won’t change the channel then. That’s about as good as it gets Cars, sorry bro.

What I will be tuning in for is Conan, in a rare (for me) surefire watcher. Ellen Page is either going to make it or break it with me tonight, FINAL SHOT AT MY HEART MS. PAGE! Kevin Nealon is a good guest, especially when bouncing off of Conze, and Dierks Bentley, wait, he’s that black dude, right? Yeah, I’m a racist, even if some of my best friends is black.

SHUT IT!

Tuesday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Abigail Breslin, Cindy McCain
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Kristen Bell, Anvil
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Paul Shaffer, Eliza Dushku, KISS
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Lewis Black, They Might Be Giants
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Julia Louis-Dreyfus, the Avett Brothers
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Patricia Heaton, “Dancing with the Stars” castoff, Gossip
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Thomas Jane

ERECH: Wait, is Paul the guest tonight to talk about his new book on Letterman, or is that some crazy misprint? I’ll watch Dave try and interview Paul for sure, FO SHO as they say in the hood! (see, told you I’m a racist)

Me, I’m probably going to still be coming down off my Best Show on WFMU high tonight. If last weeks episode was any gauge, with Jackson Publick and James Urbaniak of The Ventures Bros. fame being any indication, I can only imagine the tricks Tom’s gonna pull out tonight. Of course, we can only imagine the ways that the jerks of the internets are going to come up with to complain about again. Can you believe those jerks actually had the never to whine that Tom was talking too much during last weeks show? HIS show, no less. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love Ventures as much as anyone (although maybe a bit less after the disrespect Doc Hammer showed to Tom on Tuesday - BOO!), but how you can get mad at the guy who is giving these guys free reign for a few hours is beyond me. What, are Conan and Dave knocking down Jackson and James doors to get them on the air? Who else is giving anyone from Adult Swim 2 hours without commercials to talk about their craft? Tom does what’s right, CONSTANTLY, and if you can’t appreciate that as a fan of the Ventures, then you’re probably don’t really like that show for any of the right reasons anyways.

Check out last weeks Venture Bros heavy ep of The Best Show on WFMU here if you missed it!

STEPHAN: Well, obviously, I’m going to recommend you watch Craiggers tonight, but you already knew that. I don’t want to dwell to much on Her Majesty though because this is a really strong night and you almost can’t go wrong with any of these programmes. Fallon has a dynamite two-fer, Kristen Bell is a great talk show guest, and a great guest star (Yay, Party Down!), even Carson Daly has Tom Jane. And hey, the Save Dollhouse campaign starts in earnest on Letterman tonight. KISS is even going to play the Dollhouse theme song! (I’ll give you $10 if you can hum that theme song from memory right now. Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Wednesday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Wanda Sykes, Kathleen Sebelius
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Jason Bateman, Selena Gomez, Toby Keith
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Vince Vaughn, Carey Mulligan, Rosanne Cash
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Chevy Chase, Eliza Dushku, Lenny Kravitz
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Richel Bilson, Jeff Dunham
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Joel McHale, Richard Belzer, KISS
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Juliette Lewis

STEPHAN: Remember a time when a Wanda Sykes appearance was a cause for celebration? She used to talk about being mad at her ex-husband to Dr. Katz and she even helped out Pootie Tang. We should all make a pact to agree not to watch her in anything until they make a Pootie Tang 2. Let’s start today. (And is anyone secretly excited about Jeff Dunham on Ferguson tonight? I know he’s a racist, unfunny pile of awful, but he does have puppets. What if magic happens?)

ERECH: Say what you will about Leno, and I’ll probably have already said it about him (check the archives, damnit!). Him and Wanda Sykes together though? That’s good tv. Even if he does that thing where he asks her questions with the expectation she answer for all black/female/lesbian people everywhere. See, Jay is the kind of racist/sexist/homphobic creep that I am. Is that why I’m always so apologetic for him? (probably!)

Thursday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Gerard Butler, Ben Harper & Jack Black
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Jimmie Johnson, the Backstreet Boys
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Barry Sonnenfeld
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Christopher Meloni, Eve, Alton Brown
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Jean Reno, Sophia Bush
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Kelsey Grammer, Stana Katic, Motorhead
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Joss Stone

ERECH: Playing pinball tonight. Kristin Davis into Alton Brown into Stana Katic. 2 of them are hot ladies, and 2 of them are genuinely interesting and worth listening to talk off script. I’ll let you decide which two are the latter, because you damn well better have the former part figured out. That’s not a bad Thursday at all.

STEPHAN: Remember when everyone was worried about Conan’s show getting shafted because Jay was going to come back and steal all his guests? If you didn’t see Jay’s lineups, you’d think that was the case, right? Maybe it’s time Sheinhart Wigs just shut the whole network down. Unless, they already have. That would explain things. Just, in case, today is a great day to give Ferguson a shot. Jean Reno is smart and has an accent, and Sophia Bush is hot and I don’t know anything else about her. Anyways, those two will make excellent foils for our favorite Scot.

Friday:

• The Jay Leno Show - Terry Bradshaw
• The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien - Zack Hample, Lady Antebellum
• The Late Show with David Letterman - Jon Hamm, Andy Kindler, Brett Dennen & Natalie Merchant
• Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Martin Short, Jeff Lewis, Cory Chisel
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Gerard Butler, Phoenix
• Jimmy Kimmel Live - Michael Moore, Malin Ackerman, the Backstreet Boys
• Last Call with Carson Daly - Glenn Howerton

STEPHAN: Look at that! Actual stuff to watch on a Friday. Letterman is definitely loaded, but the smart money is on Fallon (of all people) tonight. Not only do you get the great Martin Short, but I know Corey Chisel’s ex-bassist (or keyboardist or something), so you know he’s good. Truthfully, he is a great singer and songwriter, and even though you should all go pick up his CD, the live show is where it’s at. He always has a bottle of wine with him, and he brings it, musically. And really, what more do you need?

ERECH: Ferguson is the way to close this week out. I’m vaguely interested in seeing Butler’s new flick, and Phoenix are going to rock that crappy little audience Fergie’s folks cajoled into watching this show be taped.

If that doesn’t do it for you though, all that ASTfriendly crowd on Letterman might get it done too. Can you believe that Jon Hamm actually really hangs out with Jimmy Pardo AND Andy Richter, like, like besties and stuff? What a crazy, effed up posse that must be in Vegas. I need to get more famous, stat, so I can hang out with cool and funny famous people too.

And that’s the way the LNT cookie crumbles. Kind of like one of those Hydrox/dollar store knockoff kinds though, where the first bite almost tastes like something. Chocolate maybe, vanilla if you’re lucky, cardboard if we’re being honest. But by the 5th, probably 8th cookie, the whole sleeve is already stale even though it was only exposed to the air for a few moments, and you can no longer feel your tongue anymore as you chew. A dark, muddy glaze of nothing covers the entire insides of your mouth, and you’re left wanting something more substantial. And yet you still chew.

Yep, the Thing, that’s what we is.

What we also are, is occasionally wrong. The Leno show hasn’t been nearly as strong in viewers overall as we thought, although we still argue the 18-39 male demographic is a false idol for advertisers at that time anyways (are we really seeing a lot of Xbox360 ads at that time of night?). Regardless, the show still has potential and it’s too early in the game to count it fully out. Even if neither Stephan nor Erech are actually watching it anymore at all (Erech did watch Jenna Fischer race around that track in the car on Friday though, if that counts for anything). We never understood how Jay beat Letterman for all those years like he did, so we’re not sure how any of this is going to turn out.

However, as the boys of Late Night Thing were all set to close out this week with more Leno talk, lo and behold a controversy erupted which immediately pulled our attention away! And no, not the possible Max Weinberg leaving The Tonight Show scoop we got, this one is bigger. Dave Letterman it turns out, was having sex. WITH PEOPLE HE WORKED WITH!

Wait, did we read that right?

Look, we’re not going to get into any of the specifics of the allegations, of any of the innuendo or gossip that has come across the last week, not even a bit. What we will say is, Dave handled himself with the exact sort of class in this weird and intrusive event that we’ve come to expect of the guy who takes the same kinds of giant shits on Bill O’Reilly as he does Spencer Pratt, and jumped out in front of this thing post haste. We can’t even remember the last time any sort of public figure, be it political or Hollywood based, jumped up and took a “scandal” apart as fast and as classy as Dave did. So fast and precise, that by the end of the day all that news broke, nobody with a bit of sense in their noggins could even fathom why we were even supposed to be caring about this at all.

The only trust we’ve placed in David Michael Letterman over the years relies upon his ability to make us laugh, maybe occasionally think, and to hate the absolute right jerks in Hollywood that we should. What, we’re really supposed to be concerned with who that guy is sleeping with, when he wasn’t even married? Is that what Halderman really thought was going to happen? Seriously, is that not the most hair brained blackmail scheme that’s ever been thunked up? What was the endgame there Joe?

Sure, LNT is a column written by two men, and we get that Halderman was probably in a fit of jealous ex-bf nonsense, deciding to get back at them all, and then thought NONE OF IT OUT PAST THAT POINT. Isn’t 48 Hours supposed to be some kind of brainiacs show though? The only thing we can fixate on in all of this is that maybe CBS needs to take a look at all their producers now, if this is the level of forethought and mental capacity that comes forth from one of their supposed best.

Sidetracked by all that, Stephan and Erech would also like to point out, there’s no doubt Dave definitely slept with Stephanie Birkitt - we’ve all seen the segments, saw the chemistry they had. There are some things the camera just cannot hide, right?

That said, this talk of Dave possibly losing his job are absolutely ridiculous. The Late Show is killing in the ratings right now. This news only helps that, in a perverted way. And Letterman is only a few years away from retirement at this point anyways. Leslie Moonves being a personal friend of Dave’s doesn’t hurt either. Knock it off world, nobody is buying it and it doesn’t even make sense anyways. Lose some advertisers, maybe. MAYBE. Fired? Late Night Thing is jumping way out in front of all of this talk right here and now, to quote our friend Paul F. Tompkins, and say “No Dice”. Dave has that job until he doesn’t want it anymore, guaranteed.

What does all this mean? Sadly, that until some celebrity dies, or some other east coast “family values”-type Republican gets caught in a homosexual encounter on videotape, we’re going to be hearing about this until then. Based on the polls LNT took though, nobody cares. At all.

AT. ALL.

LNT - Not even a little bit.

Check the LNT ARCHIVES to see how right we are!